[lavieenrose]

It's another difficult day being me. I began and deleted a post twice. I know the tools and techniques for self-soothing. I know how to plan goals and take small steps. I know how to improve social skills, and First Things First, and the Serenity Prayer, and the value of helping others. I still feel lousy and alone and very, very tired. The situational stressors in my life are unending. Being a homeowner with no money other than SSDI, being single, no family, few friends, having a big, high energy dog who is no longer trustworthy to run and play off-leash with other dogs due to the recent emergence of occasional fear aggression.

The prolonged, severe stress is eroding my cognitive abilities. I'm really losing I.Q. points. Medication and therapy are not helping. I feel I'm screaming, but making no sound. Sorry for being so repetitive in my posts. I can't remember what I say. My life is like the movie, Groundhog Day.

Hello, lavieenrose. You might print your post for your treatment team. If treatment is not working, the treatment plan needs to be changed. You have coping skills but something is still missing.

Good luck.

[Perna]

I look at the movie "Groundhog Day" like I do, "It's a Wonderful Life" Both of them are positive; eventually what you are "learning"/experiencing with the crappy side of life is going to come in handy or turn around and all be "right".

Have you read any C.S. Lewis? I love his book, The Great Divorce when it talks about how "attitude"/belief have so much to do with things and when things finally line up (like they did for Bill Murray) all the old, bad stuff takes on a new meaning and one's understanding of what they were for/about makes it all good in one's past. That's actually been a lot of my perception now (I'm 60) after a hard growing up and many years of therapy, etc. The heartbreaks of my life when I was 20 now make sense to me (the only person to whom they matter) and don't hurt anymore.

I have two cats (am surrounded by dogs with most neighbors, I live on the water :-) and they're 10 years old. A couple of years before I got them, I had another cat who died at around age 18, whom I had taken off the street when he was about one and a half. I can look at that cat and the cats I have now and clearly see what I have "learned" about myself and life through those cats; how I ended up with "those" cats, etc.

I wish I could think of a way to comfort you with your lack of money, health, and companion/dog problems but that's a puzzle I still can't do for myself; I look back on my life and ask what I would do/have done differently; I was in about your situation from the ages of 7 to 35. I am in awe, looking at my stepsister's life (she's 13 years older than I am) and my life side-by-side, she had an idyllic lifestyle until she married and then had hell before coming out the other end 10-15 or so years ago.

The only "hope" I can offer is that it does keep changing; yes you're going through the idiot first part of the movie now where he drives off cliffs and steals the groundhog and does other things that make no difference but then, though they seem to make no difference he comes up with a plan and learns to play the piano, judge the moment/consequences of each action, etc. Remember when he tried to save the old guys and how you hoped that would work but it didn't?

It's all a learning and doing-the-best-we-can life-long situation. No, you might not be "rewarded" by doing the best you can but there are larger schemes at work that we can see right now when we're working in them. I will never forget my 20 year old college roommate who had just become engaged "describing" for me what my future husband would be like and how I took that memory with me through thick and thin until I was proposed to when I was 38!

All I can offer is advice to do the best you can and try and stay facing "forward" because one does not know what is coming next down the pike but it could more easily be "good" than "bad" if one is in there swinging the bat at the balls. Yes there will be a lot more strikes and balls but the possibility of you hitting the ball because of your "work" each day is much greater than the possibility of the ball hitting you and injuring you!

[sundog]

(((((((lavie))))))) My heart really goes out to you. I don't have much situational stress, but I definitely have that GroundHog Day experience with my emotional life. And it's really gotten old. If I imagine adding situational stress to that, well, that would be just awful. I'm so sorry for all that you are dealing with. You are doing a phenomenal job of keeping it together. I just hope so much that it starts getting easier.

How did your appointment go with the administrator about that class???

Is there a real life support group you could go to? That could be a way to interact with some caring people who are going through some similar issues.

Hugs to you ((((((((lavie))))))))

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Byz. There's no specific treatment plan. I see a therapist in private practice and a psychiatrist in private practice. They don't communicate with each other. I recently went to the ER in such emotional distress. I never go to the ER. The treaters got records from the ER. Nothing new was suggested, however. Pdoc can't think of any meds I haven't already tried. There's such a deep resistance in me against healing, it seems. Not consciously. It's sneakier than that.

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Perna. I hope that I will, yet, look back with greater understanding at the suffering, and make some sense of it, experience redemption in some way. At age 55, it's taking a lot of faith that it will turn around. There's less future ahead. Despite a sad life with a mood disorder and other bad breaks, I had, in years past, remissions with happier, more productive phases. The past few years have seen a steady deterioration in mood and functioning. Nonetheless, I must have hope that perhaps, some serendipitous event could be around the corner, or something that could bring healing and more moments off happiness than I currently feel. I definitely need more batting practice, and less time in the dugout. Any new action would be a step forward. The social isolation is the worst part. I have some social contact, not nearly enough. I read only The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Lewis seems fascinating as a philosopher. I'll look for The Divorce. Much reading has become impenetrable lately.

[lavieenrose]

(((((Sundog)))))Thanks so much for your supportive words. The Recreation Dep't wants to run my class. I'm terrified. I need to get feedback from the kind of people who might take a craft class, to help with fleshing it out, so they get their money's worth. I don't have that much experience teaching, and don't want students thinking the product from a 3 hour workshop looks crude and disappointing. Not sure where to get the advice, though. Some dollmaking web site maybe, Etsy community, or art education web site.

A support group would be wonderful. I didn't see notices of any locally, but I should check around again. Very good idea.

Everyone here has contributed excellent ideas, and I'm so very grateful. I'll try to put them into play.

Hello, lavieenrose. It makes no sense for your treatment team to continue doing what is not helping you. In similar circumstances, I have asked my therapist and psychologist if each believed he/she could help me. If not, I asked their assistance in finding new people. If they said they could, I asked each if I was doing or not doing something that was adversely affecting treatment.

Also, I believe a treatment plan is beneficial. The plan includes goals, time frames and what needs to be done to reach the goals. I also thought having assignments between sessions kept me more involved. The idea is to build confidence and discipline. Every success has a carryover for the next challenge.

I also asked both the psychiatrist and therapist if it would be beneficial if he/she could have copies of records generated by the other. I signed a release of information authorizing the sharing.

Too, I understand my way of doing things may not be your way. Even so, as I said at the beginning, inertia is making your situation worse. If the professionals you have now cannot or will not help, consider finding professionals that will.

Good luck.

[sundog]

Originally Posted by lavieenrose

(((((Sundog)))))Thanks so much for your supportive words. The Recreation Dep't wants to run my class. I'm terrified. I need to get feedback from the kind of people who might take a craft class, to help with fleshing it out, so they get their money's worth. I don't have that much experience teaching, and don't want students thinking the product from a 3 hour workshop looks crude and disappointing. Not sure where to get the advice, though. Some dollmaking web site maybe, Etsy community, or art education web site.

A support group would be wonderful. I didn't see notices of any locally, but I should check around again. Very good idea.

Everyone here has contributed excellent ideas, and I'm so very grateful. I'll try to put them into play.

That's GREAT news that the Rec Department wants to run your class!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!! I can understand how this news would also make you anxious, but I know you will do just fine!!!!!!

[Rohag]

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) - New England Support Groups
???

[Jewels]

also for support groups, find the 411 United Way organization...they have a plethera of information about almost anything you could want...they would certainly have information about any kind of support group you might see yourself attending.

Jewels

[nice girl]

Hey there Lavieenrose..
If ur treatment is not helping u,, u should talk about it and try to get it changed just like others here said.. Wish things get better for u..
Tkcr..

[lavieenrose]

Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to post your very good suggestions. My mind has become very dull and slow. I don't know what it's about. It really gets in the way of processing and problem-solving. Homework sounds like a good idea. I think I need concrete steps, because my mind can't handle abstraction lately. I can't hold onto insights or tools. I need to keep things very simple. It used to be easier to turn around negative thinking, and regain more lightness of being. I'm really very frightened to fall to such depths for such an extended period. I hate sounding so melodramatic. Still, it means a great deal to have your support and collective wisdom. I'll try to make good use of it.

[lavieenrose]

I was also thinking about what feels like a stubborn, angry inner six-year-old, who's tantruming and resisting my efforts to heal. That's what resistance feels like inside, on the rare occasions that I glimpse it. I don't know how to maneuver her out of the driver's seat. I don't understand the secondary gain of being miserable. Or maybe the power and traction of constant negative thinking requires me to more actively examine those disabling beliefs, and reverse them again and again and again. Just some parting thoughts.

[sundog]

Originally Posted by lavieenrose

I don't understand the secondary gain of being miserable.

I can really relate to this ((((((lavie))))) All I've come up with so far with regard to my own tendency to stay stuck in a bad place is that it's familiar. And even though I'm sick of feeling miserable, I am just so used to feeling like this.

It's not that I don't want to get better. It's that I'm afraid to do different things. If that makes sense. I am very attached to certain daily routines. They give me a sense of security I guess. And yet, in order to get better, I need to change some of these routines. And that's where the resistance comes in. I'm scared to change. Even though I know I need to make changes in order to get better.

Thanks for the food for thought!