[shezbut]

I just can't think of the words. My mind is all over the place dammit!

I NEED time to myself ~ Time to somehow get through the pain and intense anxiety that I feel inside. It isn't possible though. I could do a few hours here & there, but that isn't enough!

My aunt is dying, I can't afford to go see her & I've been fighting memories of my "childhood" spent with her for 20 years. I WISH that I could have gone to California before she went in for surgery. I knew that chances of success weren't even 50/50. I knew that I need to work through these memories and emotions...but I couldn't do it.

Her body is shutting down. It's only a matter of time now...and I'm a basket case of emotions inside. To look at, my body is very stiff, my eyes miles away. I need to work through this now, but I don't know *how*.

I've been trying to post all day...but anywhere just feels the wrong place to be. The wrong words to say. Nothing really can bring what I am thinking and feeling across. I don't know what to do. I'm just... lost..

[Nola22]

shezbut, I know the frustration with which you're dealing. I'm sorry about your aunt, and what she's facing. I'm also sorry about the turmoil it is causing you at present, which is reasonable considering your circumstances.

I have managed to scramble across the country in time to have a few last moments with a very close elderly relative before we lost her, but that was the exception. On the other occasions when this has happened, the trip(s) couldn't take place for a variety of reasons, and I felt like a rocket readying for launch, but still clamped to earthly encumbrances and immense gravitational force. I felt that way in the first instance I described as well, but was lucky enough to blast off, as it were, and get where I needed to be.

My heart and thoughts are with you and your family in this difficult time. I know how unresolved and uncontrollable everything must feel right now. I am sorry I can't offer any practical solutions, but I do understand.

[madisgram]

oh shezbut, so very sorry re your aunt. she must be a wonderful lady. wish i could offer you comfort but words would not be sufficient. know tho that you can celebrate her life by fond memories. if it were me i'd talk out loud like she was in the room with me and tell her how very much you love her. i did this when my father had passed away cause his death was so sudden. somehow i knew he "heard". IDK but that's what i did. i did cry a lot when i did this but it did help too.
sending lots of hugs your way. . i'm glad you shared your pain/loss with us. we're here for you

[Perna]

Shezbut, so sorry about your aunt. Mine is in San Francisco and will be 90 the beginning of April. She has already started talking about how she has lived long enough, etc. and I'm desperate to get out there this year but don't think I can.

Can you work a bit in the shower; take a couple really long one's each day or go for a drive someplace and sit in a park parking lot and get some privacy to try and think?

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ I know how you feel, cause my sister is in ICU right now, and I can't be there. The guilt from just not being there is eating me up - but my health won't allow it. She wouldn't know I was there anyway - but *I* would! There were 4 of us girls, and she and I were in the middle -- and we were pretty much "forgotten." The oldest and youngest were spoiled. Not us.

Like you, my mind is all over the place too. I don't know what to do. She might be on a ventilator for a long time. She made it thru last night, so that's good.

I'm like you ~ I can't get the memories to come thru. I'm all mixed up. I know it's from worry.

I'll keep your aunt in my prayers Shezbut ~ I pray she has no pain. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

Thank you Lee. I'm not religious.... but I greatly appreciate your understanding and well-wishes!

I hope that your sister is able to pull through. I can understand the description of how you are feeling very well. It is so hard to go on with our everyday lives when part of us needs to be somewhere else.

Gentle hugs to you