Now you know!

I'm corresponding with my brother, I have three older ones and this is the middle one, six years older than I am. My sister-in-law, our oldest brother's wife just sent pictures she took with her phone camera of the house we "grew up in", back in the middle nineteen-fifties.

My brothers aren't great friends with one another as adults, since they're older than I am and I was the only girl, I had my own room while they all were housed together and I don't know their relationship status, all that happened when they were growing up. So, I forwarded the pictures to the middle brother, my "nicest" brother, he's always been softer, kind, and thoughtful unlike my other two brothers and myself Even though he was the middle brother, so always chasing after the oldest, he didn't have the oldest's problems; the oldest and I, the youngest sibling, have a lot in common so get along while the other two "middle" siblings use to get along (our youngest brother doesn't have anything to do with any of us anymore, is out of communication and lives in Hawaii).

So, my middle brother and I are just idly emailing about the house and our childhoods and he starts telling me stories of his relationship with our father and they paint my father in a less than shining light and, as the "precious, darling, baby girl" that is different from my remembrances of him. So, I now suddenly have a few negative stories I'm ruminating on and trying to integrate. I'm glad of the growing, adult, relationship with this brother but. . .

What do you do with sudden new background knowledge?

Yikes. I'm sure it was a bit of a shock coming through in idle emails about other stuff.

I think it would be nice to say something supportive to your brother; I wonder if it's scary for him to tell you, or if he thinks you already realized all of this. If he's more sensitive he might appreciate some support. (Sounds like this may have been a little while ago, though.)

I've been in that situation before, and I found it was best to just kind of let it percolate. Let the new perspective leak through the system and then go back to look at it and see if it sheds light on other parts of life. Then again, if your brother's being very open right now, you may want to ask him some questions about it.

How are you feeling? Are memories from your childhood popping up more since then? I know you've posted about The Artist's Way (thanks for turning me on to that, by the way!); do you find that you're processing the new information in Morning Pages? Could you do something creative that helps you to express new feelings that are popping up? I'm not a great writer, but writing poems helped when I had this happen. Writing in that format helped me address the new issues without over-analyzing them. Wishing you well.

I don't know your background well, so I'm wondering if I can assume from this quote here, that you have/had a very positive view of your father - is that right? I think kids often idolize their parents and often this skewed view continues into adulthood on a smaller scale. Am I correct is assuming you learned something disappointing that is challenging that old view you had of your father??

I agree it can be hard to accept information, we weren't expecting to hear. It's like we have thought one way all our life and now we have to sort it all out, with this new information. I agree with OrangeMoira - maybe your brother was looking for some comfort/validation.

Yes, it's not anything bad, my father didn't murder anyone or anything :-) It's just that I'm the youngest and the only girl and when my mother died when I was 3, after having been gravely ill all my life, my father was both father and mother to me and kind and patient, etc., probably because of my age and that I was a girl; apparently my brothers didn't get quite as pleasant a treatment.

Apparently my father was "cheap" and had my brothers as young teens working with tools that weren't very good and broke and then they had to pay for them, etc. (lawn mower :-)

I hadn't realized the extent of my rose-colored glasses I can still remember my father teaching me to ride my bicycle, whistle, carrying me up to bed if we got home late from an all-day outing and I'd fallen asleep in the car, etc. Because I was youngest and a girl, I didn't have chores yet and my brothers were given the task of looking after me! There's still the story of when I spilled pablum all over the back of the car when we were travelling across country, Rhode Island to California, and one of them had to clean it up. I find it interesting speculating on other siblings' thoughts/feelings and how they differ from our own and how so very different our perspectives are even though we're in the "same" family and only a couple/few years apart in age.

whew perna i had problems after reading about the first brother, etc, etc. lol. glad there weren't more for you to have to mention. it's always fun to hear from family when you've been out of touch but i'd tread gently at first. if you have fond memories of someone as a child or older, i'd remind yourself we all have a personal slant on loved ones in our younger life. your memories are yours. if they are pleasant ones for sure. keep them. you were further down the food chain, youngest, so prob had a different relationship with your parents plus you were the only girl. your brothers may have "stuff" that you don't. i'd take their opinions with a grain of salt. hopefully they won't throw in the kitchen sink!
keep us posted!!!!

My father was not the perfect man however he was a decent hard working man and one to be proud of !

After he died one of my older sisters (12 years older than me) told me a couple of things about my dad that made me feel sick. (he had not abused anyone nothing like that)

I had/have a choice and chose to accept that he was a man a good man and a good father to me but was also human and like all humans made mistakes....

This does not take away from the fact he was a good father to me. And that is how I see it.

See.....the whole thing is that no matter if you all lived in the same household for many years, each individual has specific memories and emotions from those times that we have really no clue about until they are told to us. Each individual has their own specific relationship with the parents and can vary greatly from our own.

I know that is true with my brother and I. We are not in contact very often anymore, I find him to be quite selfish (runs in the family unfortunately) and I can't deal with the "me me me, it's all about me). But, when we were talking, we would have a memory of a specific incident and we both had completely different experiences/emotions and saw things completely opposite of the other. What I learned from that is it's okay and quite normal and I'm not going to let his experience dictate to me how I'm going to feel about the parent or the incident. It was what it was for my brother and it was what it was for me. I'm good with all that

I have some troubles in that I get set in my ways so when I get an alternate view of another person I know/love a certain way, even if I don't think the alternate story is "true" I still have that story in my head spreading its creeping crack of doubt! My husband's ex-wife did that to me telling me her view of what he'd done/been like that I knew couldn't be correct but still. . . now I have those thoughts stuck in my head forever.

hi. i am in a situation where the shoe is on the other foot! i am the oldest of 4 boys; my youngest brother is almost 10 years younger. my father died when he was 5 years old and he has no memory of him. the only parent he knows is my mother, who treated me terribly (emotional child abuse and neglect). i avoid discussing her with my youngest brother at all costs. his experience was very different. while he did not have a dad, he had 3 older brothers also helping him as well as some good friends. over the years, i have promoted family peace at my own personal expense. my youngest brother is very well adjusted and happily married. will i ever share the family dirt with him? frankly, i don't think it's worth the risk even though he is now a grown adult. it's a choice on my part. i prefer that the past stay where it is - in the past and done and over with. please bear in mind that you have the option of changing the subject when it comes up. you are entitled to your memories as they are.