[Elana05]

Not sure where to post this, here or in relationships. But the feelings I have are definitely mixed. All I know is that talking to my father makes me feel like less than an inch high. He is very big with phrases like "I told you so." He seeks to remain in control during an entire conversation, "Why did you do this? Why didn't you do this?" I know people say no one can take your power away from you without your consent, that you have to give it away. But talking with him is so draining. I am left feeling five years old again. Like I have done everything wrong. My mental health has been pretty poor lately with a diagnosis moderate to major depression. Although I am seriously working on my life. Therapy twice a week and Al Anon or ACoA three times a week now. I can't tell him any of that (of course).
I can't tell him about the work I have been doing to deal with the family dysfunction that he (in part) dealt, or his alcoholism. And at the same time I am partially financially dependent upon him. I hate it. If I had any other option I would take it. I am only left with frustration.
God, help me let go. I only hope I can emerge stronger than I was.

[LookingforCalm]

I think you will be stronger because of this. I'm so sorry he makes you feel so bad.

My father used to say that too - that people only talk to you and treat you the way you allow. I don't think that's always true, honestly. I don't choose to let people treat me like crap, but sometimes they do.

You're working through it, and it's all you can do at this point. Sadly, no one can change anyone in your family or the family dynamic. I'm working through some of this stuff too, as the issues with my mother are life-long (and I'm almost 40).

You're working hard, and you will make it. Take care! Hope you are feeling a little better today...

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep trying! It sounds like you have a good concept of the fact that he is the problem, not you. Remind yourself that you are working on making yourself better. Family dynamics are tough, especially when you're still stuck right in the middle of it. I wish I had some great wisdom to offer here...just know that you are doing your best and hang in there!

[Leed]

Hi Elana ~ Remember that he's had your whole lifetime to drill this nonsense in your head ~ and you've lived your lifetime HAVING this stuff drilled into your head ~ so it's going to take awhile for you to overpower this crap that he's giving you. Bless your heart, what he's done is verbal abuse. I wonder if anyone has EVER dared do anything like this to HIM?? Somehow I doubt it.

Of course you're frustrated! Your first reaction is to scream & holler at him, but you can't. So you're sitting there with fists clenched, teeth clenched, READY to scream -- but not daring to.

One of these days, when you're ready, you WILL be able to "cut the cord" and say what you want to say. But until that time, when he starts on one of his tirades, just picture a nice tropical beach where you're laying in the sun with the most gorgeous man you ever saw! You're both drinking Margarita's ~ and the breeze is wafting over you. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................................Hugs, Lee

[inquietude]

My father put me down too. Live for yourself, not him. If that means you have to distance yourself from him by all means, do. Sometimes the most poisonous people in our lives are family. Surround yourself with those that help build you, not tear your down.

[Distressed2010]

Hi Elana!

I have the same issue with my mom, and dad in different ways. My mom says "why did you do this, you shouldn't have done it. now its all messed up". while my dad will say "you shouldn't have done this, now its a blunder".

So, yes it hurts no matter how strong you are.

But here's how I think about this:

Its DONE. Its in the PAST. I am not GOD. I cannot go back into the past and UNDO. So why worry about it?

Rather, I'd like to divert my energies to the present and the future and think of:

how can i fix this situation?
what can i do to make it better? is there space to make it better or is it finished completely?

if its finished completely and there's nothing I can do, what did i learn from it?

After answering these questions, you'll find out that you either have an option to make things better, fix them, or nothing at all. If its to make better, then pick that, if theres nothing you can do, then move on and forget about having done things differently, or regretting the past or feeling guilty about it.

The best part is, even if it can't be fixed, you probably got a lesson out of it, which is extremely valuable because that's how we learn and grow as people. I personally feel, life's all about learning and growing.

Mistakes are good. Look at them positively. They teach you something. They also prepare you for success. The more you make, the better you get, and the sooner you reach success.

Responding to this makes me feel I should have totally been a motivational speaker.

On a serious note, this is hard at first, but with practice, shall bring good benefits as it has for me. I hope it does for you too.

And yes it hurts when your parents/family say things like that. I'm still learning to deal with that.

hugs!

[Distressed2010]

I'm not sure what you talk to him about, as in, if you're discussing something having to do with him or a situation outside the family. For me, I've had to stop discussing stuff with my mom and dad because they try to trap me into the past, where I can't function, actually no one can. its impossible.

So, I would try to look elsewhere if possible, someone else? or maybe this forum? I don't have a therapist so I depend on this forum immensely. And I try to research the net for lots of stuff.

[Distressed2010]

Oh, and try reading Pulling Your Strings, by dr. Dwayne.