[So It Goes]

Been a difficult week and I'm just done. I want to meet everyone's needs but I just can't do it anymore. I'm too messed up. I would have called in to work today but my only other person to cover is out having a medical procedure done.

My ex contacting me again compounded with so much going on. I guess I should itemize it just to explain my situation more fully but it's going to be long. Sorry.

• My early-teens daughter is having problems in school and my ex won't communicate with me or allow her to call. I want to help. It honestly feels like my ex is doing this so she can throw me under the bus for my daughter's school problems. If I take the issue in my own hands my ex "punishes" me and my daughter for it.
• Ex-GF who said I was emotionally abusive contacted me for computer advice. I just don't get it, why she would contact me for anything if I was as bad as she acted like I was. I take responsibility for not handling things correctly... there's no question of that. It's a complicated story but to sum it up I had a meltdown and she left with no warning. I couldn't handle all the stress and I hurt her deeply. I just don't know what her motives are for talking to me anymore.
• My best friend and roommate has been dealing with health problems of both himself and his wife. He is on disability for a extremely severe medical condition and has seizures. She just had minor surgery, and taking care of her is putting a big strain on him. I have to just let go and let them have their marriage but it's hard knowing how much a strain his marriage is taking on his health. He's been having seizures again from the stress. I helped support them after he could not work anymore. Our living arrangement is ending soon. I will be living alone after that, but I haven't even looked for apartments yet.
• Work is completely out of control. I have three projects on conflicting timelines starting next week.
• My support network is getting smaller and smaller. I don't have anyone I can fully trust with my feelings. I don't know how to tell people who know me just how bad off I really am. I have no family I can trust.
• I need a T but I have no coverage and make too much to qualify for assistance. I have saved money for this but I'm going to have to use it for my apartment and moving instead. I have no choice.

I've just given up emotionally. I don't know how to live like this anymore. I'm so overwhelmed. I can't stay strong anymore, I need rest but I can't sleep, can't ever relax. I feel like my life keeps getting smaller and smaller, closing in more and more tightly until the weight becomes crushing.

I need to shut all this off, I just need some kind of peace, respite. Everything has been this complicated for two years now and a break never comes. It's just something else. I ended up hurting the one person who could help me because I was so overwhelmed. I am an abuse survivor myself, so dealing with it has been hard. The guilt and shame never stops, I can never be kind to myself no matter how hard I try.

I wish I could let all this go, I wish I could be who everyone needed but it's impossible. I can't. I feel like a terrible person, father, friend, son.

This has me very sad,I am so sorry that you are suffering to this extent.I truly am.I am so sorry.You aren't a terrible anything.~W~

[Kymaro]

I'd say hang in there...but sounds like you have been and are running out of rope :-( sorry your going through this. Hope we are some sort of support for you here, you know we are always here. one step at a time. ((hugs))

[madisgram]

so it goes, i too am sorry you are feeling so badly and bad about yourself. i can totally understand the feelings because i've had them myself. not lately anywhere as badly but i won't ever forget how i felt.
a thought-just like you did here, why not journal your thoughts in a notebook? it was recommended to me by my T during that time of my unbearable life. i felt it was a lot of hokum but he was relentless and followed up next time i saw him. so i did it. first difficult, later couldn't wait to write down how i was feeling. i found writing in the morning was best to start my day fresh and later as the day progressed. you could start before you go to work.
it won't take your worries/sadness away necessarily but you will find a thread of triggers and emotions that occur. i underlined mine later when i'd review what i'd written. then decide what is really true about yourself, your life,etc and toss the rest.
as for the person you feel badly about the way you treated them...if they are a true friend they will accept a sincere apology. i was taught to apologize when i had wronged someone and to not expect platitudes from them or even forgiveness. however i also know true friends accept us thru good and bad. i hope you can restore your relationship with that person.
as for other ppl we have no control over how they treat us or what they say. so be kind to yourself. who could do it as well as you? you are fragile right now. do something nice for yourself-even an ice cream cone if you like ice cream like i do. or whatever will make you feel good for that one moment in each day.
will keep you in my prayers. i'm so sorry you are experiencing this. we here at pc care about you. please keep posting if that helps too.

[So It Goes]

Thank you all for your responses. I have journaled about my feelings but I have to admit giving up on it as of late. It only seems to make me feel worse because I tend to spiral downwards when facing the enormity of my feelings and the events that have occurred. I am avoiding my emotions... I don't know how to face them without wanting to give up completely. It feels like I have been destined to fail under the weight of all of this.

I have gone back and analysed my writing for patterns and triggers and caught many. The issue is without isolating myself completely from everyone I love and care about, I have no way to defuse the triggers. I see the cycle and cannot break it. I realize this is illusory and a question of how to deal with triggers and events rather than simply avoiding them, but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to change my thought processes. It's added an extra layer of shame because of how deeply I am hurting myself and those I care about.

The person I was referring hurting at the end of my post was my ex-girlfriend. I have apologized and explained my actions and the place I was in as much as I could but it was too late. I had been more volatile than I was aware of and she had already left town and given up her job and her life here. Even a year later, even after she said she forgave me, I still can't let go of the guilt even though I've been told by so many people that it made sense for me to be unstable with everything that was going on. Our relationship was far from perfect but it was still the best I had ever known. I need to forgive myself but knowing I made someone feel the way I felt in my previous marriage was (and is) soul-shattering.

I have tried to do the right things over the course of my life but nothing works out like intended. I end up having to "rob Peter to pay Paul" in every aspect of life. There is no balance and I always rationalize myself out of boundaries because "someone has to do it."

I can't do that anymore, though. I have to find a way to regain my strength or I fear I'm not going to make it. I am getting sick from stress often and my body aches constantly from fatigue. Every time I relax something in my head flips a switch and I get a reflexive rush of panic. I've had this happen for nearly seven years off and on. I feel like a shark... if I stop swimming, I'll die.

[lavieenrose]

So It Goes, I too feel for you in your predicament. What you experience resonates for me. I'm also trying to find my way out of what feels like a deep, dark hole, with only a therapist for support IRL. I'm hoping that you can call up within yourself the strength that you need to keep coping and healing. It's awful to feel so alone with these emotional issues. At least, people here at PC are always ready to listen, and lend support.

[violetmoons]

Are you ok So-it-goes?

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by violetmoons

Are you ok So-it-goes?

I'm trying to be. Got woken up midway through the night due to emergency notifications that our web sites were down. It was just a power outage but I didn't know that until two hours before I had to be back in the office. I've got a cold, possibly flu. Not sure yet. Had to come in anyway because there was no coverage from the other developer here as he's out today.

Still can't relax. Something always goes wrong. Just waiting for the next thing today.

[So It Goes]

I can't help anyone, I guess. I wanted things to be so different, but I'm not strong enough. The expectations are too high, I can't even take 12 hours off without damaging friendships or having another emergency at work. It's just something else.

I'm strongly considering leaving PC, as I don't think I an do good here and I feel like I am just accepting good that can be done for others who are both more deserving and want to get better more than I do. I want to get better but I can't take the steps I need to right now and I feel like that is doing more harm than good.

The pain is unbearable right now. Too much to describe. I don't know how to do anything positive like this. I know this gets thrown around a lot with people who are depressed, but I seriously can't seem to do anything right. I try to shift my priorities to people who are important to me and I can't seem to shift enough. It's never enough. Nothing's ever enough, no matter how hard I try. I accept it, now. This is just how life is going to be, unrelenting. I have no much love in my heart and it makes no difference. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[So It Goes]

I've been thinking of this since my last post in this thread: I need to leave PC. I am not able to be positive for anyone right now, and all reaching out seems to do is hurt people I care about. Too much is occurring in my life for me to be able to affect any change, so something has to give.

I have to accept my life for what it is and realize that I don't have it as bad as many do. I have to isolate for a while to stop these patterns that keep replaying. I must seek a therapist as soon as I am financially able before/if I can return.

I wish everyone the best and wish that I could return all the kindnesses that have been given to me by everyone here. I am sorry. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.