[iamspecial]

I know im kinda sad for still being sooo cut up about losing my grandma...but each day i struggle to see the worth of getting up and out.

I was 10 when i lost her and christmas this year will be 9 years since she died. When she first died i blamed myself...i never told her i loved her that much...i never really thought she would leave me like she did....i did always hug her and give her a kiss...i did go shopping with her and carried the bags for her....i loved spending time with her....i even after school sneaked round to her and my grandads home just to be with her...my parents didnt even i know i did...they always thought i was on the park or a friends house.

I hate myself for feeling so hurt and thinking i wasnt worth her fighting it and staying with me....all she was bothered about was my grandad and him not loving her if she had her other breast off (she had breast cancer twice)

she never thought of me or how it would effect me, her not being here....with her being gone...my grandad didnt want to know me...he would get drunk and ring me giving me a lot of hurtful abuse about her and how i wasnt good enough and that it was my fault she died.....he even really hurt me physically (my parents let him....they was there when he hurt me and they could see he was b/c i was crying)....i was abused by my mom without her here to protect me.

my life just isnt worth living really.....but each day i wake up, each day i fight, each day im always remined of her, each day im facing a new obstacle....when will all this pain go? how much more do i have to put up with?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Your Grandma knew how much you loved her by your actions. Actions speak so much louder than words. Sorry this is so troubling for you. Have you ever allowed yourself a chance to grieve? It was her time - it doesn't have anything to do with you. I imagine she is living on in your heart and in your memories. Hold on to the good memories you have of her. Could you do something to give yourself some closure? Write her a poem, leave some flowers at her grave, something like that - just for you. Hang in there! Even when it hurts and life has got you down, keep looking for the sunshine and remember how much you mean to others!

[iamspecial]

thank you for your comment can't stop crying, means a lot and i really do hope she did. i have written a lot of peoms for her.....one being my "my heart aches" that is for her....her alone.....i have written others too but thats the first one i did every write and it was for her...i just cant seem too....im just emotionally a wreck....i dont do people dying too well.....it hurts too much for me....

[chunkymonkey555]

I felt that way when my grandma passed, it took a long time for my well-being to get better, don't hate yourself over this we all have different coping lenths

[**Angel**]

Hey Rachel,

I am so sorry to here about your grandmother, Loosing someone to death is a very difficult thing to cope with, even if you were close or not, I am sorry you had to deal with so much abuse, that must of been awful for you to cope with, they had to right to hurt you Your grandmother knew you loved her exceptionally, because of how you had treated her...It's not your fault special, things happen and it's difficult for us to cope with such strong emotions Here is a article on dealing with death that you may wish to check out....

Dealing with death

Losing someone close, whether they be a relative, friend or lover is hard. Your emotions run haywire while you try to grasp what has happened and the loss you feel seems endless. We can't bring them back but we can try and help you understand your feelings.

What is grief?
After someone close to you dies, you go through a process of mourning. Grief is the visible sign of that mourning and encompasses a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms that you experience after a loss. It is vital to let your feelings out as by bottling them up will only lead to emotional problems in the future.
Grieving for a loved one takes time. We all go through the process in different ways, and often experience conflicting or even overwhelming feelings, but slowly life will become more bearable.
The important thing is to get support from people you trust. Your family and friends all understand what you're dealing with, and will want to help. Exactly how is down to you. Whether you want to talk about your feelings, reflect on your loss, or simply get out to take your mind off things, just do whatever feels right and makes you feel better. And remember to keep in touch with your doctor. If you are having sleeping problems, your doctor may prescribe sleeping tablets or may refer you to a counsellor if you feel the need for more help to cope with a loss.
How long will it take?
The grieving process takes time and should not be hurried. How long it will take depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it takes most people one to two years to fully recover from a major bereavement. It's common to feel especially vulnerable at times such as their birthday, the anniversary of their death, and during the Christmas holidays.
After a suicide
If someone close to you has taken their own life, it can be especially difficult for those left behind. Don't be surprised if you feel completely shocked and numb, or even furiously angry at them, or want to tell them they're stupid or selfish. It's OK to feel this way for a while, and other people who knew them may be going through the same thing too. Many friends and relatives feel guilty, or haunted by the thought that they 'could have done something to prevent it', and again these feelings are normal, and part of the grieving process.
Helping a friend who has lost someone
Don't be scared to talk to them about how they feel, and to say that you are sorry for their loss. Let them know you're there for them if they want to sound off angrily, cry on your shoulder, or get out to do something to distract themselves for a while. Try not to avoid them unless they ask for some space, this may make them feel worse than they do already, and it's a time when they need to know who their friends are.

Please also check this page out

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwell...reavementblame

My Grandma died this week and I'm feeling really bad. I was with her until the end but I just keep thinking that I should have been able to do something to keep her here. We all miss her so much. She was so ill at the end and maybe we should have made different choices about how she was treated. Please help me, it feels like it's all my fault.

It's completely understandable you're feeling so bad following the death of your grandma. Dealing with the death of someone close to you is difficult, but please be reassured that the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are not unusual. It's very common for people to spend time thinking about what they could have done differently and how things may have turned out differently; it's all part of the process of grieving.
It is hard to see someone you are close to struggling with an illness. Feelings of helplessness and wishing you could do more are natural. But it sounds as though you were trying to do your best for her until the end. There's really no need to feel as though you should have done anything differently.
It can sometimes help to talk about how you are feeling with someone close to you. Perhaps there is someone in your family, or a close friend, who you would feel comfortable talking to about how you are feeling. Talking about it can't bring her back, but it can help you to work through what you are feeling and start to feel yourself again.
Sometimes people feel more comfortable talking to someone they don't know about their feelings, if this is the case you can call Cruse Bereavement Care on 0808 808 1677. They provide support to people who've been affected by the death of someone they know.

[finonaey]

rach, your grandmother lives on in you and in your heart. i dont know if the pain of loosing someone ever goes away but it does become easier to deal with. Just remember the good times you had with her and it will remind you how much you loved her and she loved you.

[iamspecial]

Originally Posted by chunkymonkey555

I felt that way when my grandma passed, it took a long time for my well-being to get better, don't hate yourself over this we all have different coping lenths

Thank you chunkymonkey.....she was my best friend till the day she died. i do try not too but its not easy

[iamspecial]

Originally Posted by **Angel**

Hey Rachel,

I am so sorry to here about your grandmother, Loosing someone to death is a very difficult thing to cope with, even if you were close or not, I am sorry you had to deal with so much abuse, that must of been awful for you to cope with, they had to right to hurt you Your grandmother knew you loved her exceptionally, because of how you had treated her...It's not your fault special, things happen and it's difficult for us to cope with such strong emotions Here is a article on dealing with death that you may wish to check out....

Dealing with death

Losing someone close, whether they be a relative, friend or lover is hard. Your emotions run haywire while you try to grasp what has happened and the loss you feel seems endless. We can't bring them back but we can try and help you understand your feelings.



Please also check this page out

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwell...reavementblame

My Grandma died this week and I'm feeling really bad. I was with her until the end but I just keep thinking that I should have been able to do something to keep her here. We all miss her so much. She was so ill at the end and maybe we should have made different choices about how she was treated. Please help me, it feels like it's all my fault.

Thank you Abi..i have read that article over and over but i still feel the way i do...i'm so sorry for your loss...you have been through a lot and you are only 15....i am here if you need to talk Abi and you dont need to feel alone...maybe if you read some of this you have posted here it might help you too...its still very early for you has it was this week and not 8 years ago....i still feel there was more i could have done but didnt...i was just a child yet i felt it was my responsibility b/c i did a lot of things with her and i was alway happy and i felt safe with her...it was just when she got ill i kinda could see i was losing her and it really hurt but still i kept my distance from her and i didnt tell her what i should have...i shouldnt have locked myself away like i did but i did....the last time i got to see her i knew i wasnt going to see her again but i still didnt say or do anything...i just had to fight the tears so she couldnt see me cry and had to kiss her goodbye.....it was really hard fighting my tears but i had to do it...i wasnt aloud to cry infront of her or really i wasnt aloud to cry...she was my bestfriend and i pulled away has she died and now i wish i had told her just how much she meant to me and how lost i was going to be without her but its too late...i didnt have a propper good bye with her b/c i was scared, affraid that by saying goodbye means shes gone forever and i just couldnt do that but i wish i had now....you still have time to say goodbye to yours so please if you get the option to see her then please go to see her...i wish i had done but i didnt and really regret not going to see her....it gives you a chance to say goodbye and tell her just how much she is going to be missed and how much you love her......i wish i had done. ((((((((((((((((Abi)))))))))))))))))

[iamspecial]

Originally Posted by finonaey

rach, your grandmother lives on in you and in your heart. i dont know if the pain of loosing someone ever goes away but it does become easier to deal with. Just remember the good times you had with her and it will remind you how much you loved her and she loved you.

Thank you Fran for your comment....its what i have been doing but i still feel the guilt...and miss her more than anything in the world...i feel alone even tho there could be loads of people around me....there just isnt anyone like her...at parties loads of people always wanted me (i was cute has a baby....so i am told) and so they would all shout me (i have a video of this) when my grandma shouted me i went to her and no one else even tho i had loads of people wanting me go to them.i think of her everyday...but i still feel there was more i could do