[xdearlifex]

Is this the right place to post this?

So I had a suicide attempt a few months ago. I don't really want to go into why, because I honestly can't put it into words. It was, at it's most basic level, an inability to cope with whatever was going on in my head and a couple outside stressors mostly relating to my transition from male to female. Long story short, I'm still here, and it's been a couple months since my hospitalization.

Things haven't been so great since then, but if that's the case I suppose things have never been that great. The biggest change is I now fear all the time that my friends are worried I'm going to try again. I have been lying to them about how I feel in increasing amounts, and it's made my bad emotions bleed out of me like inky sweat. I feel like I'm going to burst at times, so I finally broke down and told a friend that I wanted to talk about my suicide attempt, and to talk about my lingering suicidal thoughts and complicated emotions. Mostly, I worry that I'm going to drive people away, for without them I'd fall into itty bitty pieces, which is pathetic, but I can't really help it. I am very suspicious and paranoid when it comes to my relationships. I don't want people to leave or worry about me, so I lie, and it's made me more and more depressed.

So I want to talk about it here.

I'm still thinking about suicide a lot. Every time I walk in the street I close my eyes and hope a car hits me. Every time I look out my balcony, or even at the door that leads to the balcony, or out a high window, I think about jumping. I think a lot about what it'd be like to have all my stupid thoughts and mixed up crazy emotions to just be totally silenced. It feels like there's a swarm of bugs running around in my brain and picking at it. It feels like I'm drowning in a series of laws that I've placed on myself to restrict my behavior. I'm trying emotional regulation a' la DBT, but sometimes I worry that I take **** too far. I have a police officer in my head constantly regulating what I should say, think and what kind of vibe i give off when I talk to people so they don't notice the sweat. It's truly exhausting. I just want to know who are my friends, if there's anything AT ALL I can do to improve myself to keep them around, and if I'm really a terrible person at my core. It's all so confusing, so I'm going to take a pill that's going to calm me down, and then I'm getting some sleep.

Just thought someone should know.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Do you know WHY you keep thinking about suicide? Do you have ambivalence about your decision to transition from male to female? Are there regrets?

You definiely need to talk to a therapist about these issues. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem -- you have conflicting emotions & feelings ~ and a therapist would best handle this.

You need to know that you are a valued person. People either like us or they don't. Sometimes we cannot control that. Remember that there are people that WE don't like too -- it's just the difference in humans. If you're kind, friendly, don't "back-stab" and try to be the best friend that you can be, you are OKAY. Just be yourself -- putting all these restrictions on yourself is, like you said, exhausting -- and generally unnecessary!

Are you more confused about who you are since your transition? You can talk to your therapist about this too.

Best of luck to you -- personally, you sound like a decent, nice person!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Mediator]

Yes as Lee suggest you need to sort why you keep think about suicide? I am sending hug and do no hesitate write more.

[xdearlifex]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ Do you know WHY you keep thinking about suicide? Do you have ambivalence about your decision to transition from male to female? Are there regrets?

You definiely need to talk to a therapist about these issues. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem -- you have conflicting emotions & feelings ~ and a therapist would best handle this.

You need to know that you are a valued person. People either like us or they don't. Sometimes we cannot control that. Remember that there are people that WE don't like too -- it's just the difference in humans. If you're kind, friendly, don't "back-stab" and try to be the best friend that you can be, you are OKAY. Just be yourself -- putting all these restrictions on yourself is, like you said, exhausting -- and generally unnecessary!

Are you more confused about who you are since your transition? You can talk to your therapist about this too.

Best of luck to you -- personally, you sound like a decent, nice person!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I'm definitely more confused since my transition, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy I transitioned. I had to do it to survive in my own mind. The confusion comes from hitting reset on my personality, trying to figure out what's real and what was just a defense mechanism for being able to survive as a male. A lot of it also has to do with learning to see myself in new light, as a girl rather than as a guy. I'm still usually dumbstruck every time I look in a mirror. Sometimes It's a good dumbstruck, sometimes I feel like I didn't get what I wanted out of transition, but either way it causes confusion. Learning how to navigate my world all over again has been easy in some ways, but a lot of it is about letting my guard down instead of just waiting for people to call me a ****** behind my back. I don't know, am I making any sense?

As for why I'm thinking about suicide, it's always been my go-to answer to any problem I feel like I can't solve. I get in an emotional hole, my reality warps, and then becomes very small and imposing, like I'm stuck at the bottom of a well. I want to be able to voice these concerns to friends and professionals without feeling like they're just going to commit me again. I'm trying to get better, maybe I'm not going about it in the right way, maybe i'm paranoid for no reason, I don't know.

[Mediator]

I am not sure maybe you need time to be ok with your change. It has to be difficult to change your sex. Do you know somebody who changed from male to female? Maybe try to contact the people.

[razeldo]

Try contacting them!

[kundi]

Keep in mind that whoever will drive away because you want to make honest and open relation does not deserve to be a friend, and its better if it happens so.

With real friends you should not have such worries, so I'd say this would be just a test if they will be the right ones.

I understand the situation, but can't you distract your mind with other things? To say there is so much beauty waiting for you to find maybe sounds to poetic, but really.. everyone of us copes with negative feelings and questions once in a while, but somethings tells me it is worth to try to find things and design your ways that will make life pleasant.

Go out to help other people and get a mission on this planet might be also hard to say. This is one of the things that always makes me alive no matter what my perception of life situation at the moment might be.