I just got discharged from almost a week in the Psychiatric ward of my hospital. The problem is that I cannot tell if it is depression or anxiety or both. I did feel like giving up on life when I went to see my family doctor on Tuesday. Once I was in there, I was in a constant crying state. My intention was to get a letter from him returning me to work, due to financial stresses. I could no longer afford to remain on medical leave. I have also been looking for work in other jobs so that i would not have to return to this stressful job I already have.

Once I began to talk to my doctor, all the frustrations, tensions, worries, and thoughts poured out and I told him I could not take anymore...I did not want to live anymore. He had me admitted to the psychiatric ward in our hospital.

While in hospital, I did have some recurring episodes of anxiety. They all said they could see signs of anxiety in me during my stay there, and my family doc told me he had seen anxiety in me during other visits. Yesterday, upon discussion with the psychiatrist of my intended return home, the discussion of going back to job search, and quitting my present job, triggered an anxiety attacks.

During my stay there, the doctor increased my antidepressants, but prescribed nothing for anxiety. I am confused. Was my emotional outburst an anxiety attack instead of depression? If so, wouldn't an anti-anxiety med be better than upping the antidepressants? If this is anxiety, then staying in hospital did nothing for me because I was only avoiding the trigger and not learning to deal with it. Now that I am back home, as soon as I have to face this anxiety again, I still do not know what to do. Will I just end up losing control again?

Also, during my stay, I wrote down the thoughts going through my head during my anxiety. The anxiety is related to my value as an employee in the working world. Still on minimum wage after 30+ years in the work force, about 5 different trades and educational degrees behind me, and I still get the same stuff over and over. I don't have what they want. I don't have enough of what they want. Or I have too much.

The thoughts that were going through my head while in the hospital lastnight were:

"Stop playing the victim! Stop being a coward! Why can't you handle what everyone else can? Stop being so lazy! Stop pitying yourself! You're just seeking attention! You've never done anything to deserve praise! Suck it up! Stop whining! Coward, coward, coward! You have nothing they want. You have no worth in the work force.
Shame!"

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? I cannot tell. before I look for a solution, I should at least understand what my problem is. I have an appointment with a counsellor coming up and another appointment with my family doc next week.

[needfixing]

(((hugs)))
i pray that you find a less stressful job that even pays you better, that you continue treatment, that you realize that your a gift sent from up above and we need you, and that your set free of your emotions.

[Leed]

Bless your heart -- FIRST you have to stop listening to those thoughts that are going thru your head. THEY ARE NOT TRUE!! Of COURSE you have worth in the work force!!!! Of course you deserve praise! You are NOT asking for attention --- everyone wants validation. Everyone wants to be appreciated when they've worked hard. You DO deserve better.

Depression & anxiety many times go hand-in-hand. You get depressed and then get anxious because you're depressed! And vice-versa. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, as your self-esteem seems to have taken a beating and needs to be 'healed.' You are every bit as good as the next person. It's just that some of us have a rougher road than others -- who knows why.

Best of luck to you -- and God bless. I'll keep you in my prayers. Hugs, Lee

[kaliope]

It sounds like both. You appear depressed due to your lack of self worth and beating yourself up and environmental stressors of finance and career. this leads to anxiety because you have to worry about how are you going to pay your bills, do you go back to a job you are unhappy with or put yourself thru the stress of trying to find a job in a job market that doesnt value your skills. you are right in questioning why they didnt do something to address your anxiety. this is something to discuss with both your counselor and your doctor.

please dont be so hard on yourself. hugs.

Thank you need, leed, and kaliope. I can't wait to see them. I feel lost. I know the thoughts are wrong but I don't yet know how to get rid of them. The doc and counsellor both increased my sessions. I am luck y to have two very carrying professionals and a loving family. I just need to learn what my value is and to love me as I am.

[Spikerola]

Hi Ingrid2--I'm new to the forum, and just read your post, and wanted to let you know you are not alone. My working career spans 30+ years as well, and the workplace can very abusive! But you know what? After years of therapy, I'm learning that my anxiety and depression (yes, they go hand in hand) is there regardless of external circumstances. That brings me to dealing with my own self esteem, boundaries, being mindful of those automatic negative thoughts (the "I should, they should, I can't," etc. etc.). About the anxiety, the psych professionals seem to prescribe antidepressants for this; SSRIs don't work for me, so I am currently using Buspar (it's an older med that seems to work for anxiety without addiction to benzos). You may want to discuss this with your doctor....it helps me somewhat. Meanwhile, I catch myself saying negative things to myself as well...then I say, "Would you say such things to your best friend?" Well, NO, of course not....and I practice saying positive things to myself! Change from "learned helplessness" takes a while, but I guess if we stick with it, we'll feel better! Hugs to you...

Oh Spikerola, reading you rmessage was like reading my own story. The Psych doc did tell me that they don't like the benzos.

"anxiety and depression (yes, they go hand in hand) is there regardless of external circumstances"

That is true, but, I overlooked that fact. Thank you again. I have avoidant personality disorder which ties around fear of rejection and judgment. Perhaps by me assisgning a blame for my anxiety gives me an excuse to avoid it. The same as blaming men in general for past bad relationships gives me an excuse to avoid all men.

However, I don't want to get rapped up in self blame again either. In answer to your question "Would you say such things to your best friend?" You are right...I would not.

The funniest thing happened today in the open chats. A user gave us a web address for Chinese astrology and I was reading the traits of my sign (wood snake), and it said I am intelligent and graceful. Perhaps if we read our horoscope descriptions at times, it can remind us of our good points.