[idgaf]

so GUESS WHAT i become lazy when im nice to myself. and too accommodating.

i read this whole book for perfectionists
and it was pretty good and i relate, cause i am offf the charts

accept i become lazy
to get over "perfectionism" you're supposed to not be all type a

but if im not type a, then its tooaccommodating , everything slides, everything just slides right away. can focus better by giving yourself space to breath? is that self-preservation really? self preservation my ***

i dont get mad at myself for the right reasons, there is no such thing as bounderies with me, just going every****ing wehre

there were no limits when i was a kid, parents were perpetually gone but i hated it it sickened me

yeah i make progress but its sickening too. this program im into is the most complicated program on earth. it takes people a decade to learn everythings a climb. i am not happy with my progress.. i am not a math person i am an artist, but i got into this for the art. i only completed 3 rigs since september, was supposed to do 5. idk why i have to underestimate myself all the time though

no no my problem is this: are you ready? i am so into trying to keep from falling into depression over the slowness/the tediousness/ the failure days i have that i go into denial. like i just flatline and say well if i just dont think about it things will HAVE to work out eventually but i got to get the kinks out too.

or god things will get ugly .

i mean thats what everyone says and thats the only way to stay w it

im insane though im really ****ing ridiculous. if i was aborted it would have been nicer than this. there is no one that can trump my crazy

the most elusive thingis sticking to a schedule. its like a handicap. and that is NOT petty or ridiculous that is all i need to be happy. just control.

cant believe i ltierally thought i would IMPROVE if i was more chilled with the lazy me, would improve my creativity and ability to focus. well that was mindnumbingly stupid. no i know beating yourself up doesn't solve any problems or make things easier, letting yourself breath does, but uhhh this book author obviously know's jack **** about reality?


i dont care about anything else accept this competitive media bs ive gotten myself into. its the only thing worth sticking around for. ( i have no soul just fyi.) but im 25 now its just awful and annoying to be in school anymore im tired of it

so what the **** is my problem. if my type a personality met my lazy personality and they were in seperate bodies, it would be so bloody and hystercal

i hate lazyness in myself, i dont care about others, but
you know what? my medication makes it worse too. ( prozac) if there's a reason to stop taking meds its that

its enough to make you throw up. TAKING FOREVER to learn something complicated. i hate it i hate it i hate it i..

thats always my intention. to focus. but i just dont half the time. lets be honest. i am always going on tangents/ going out

if you vomited from the melodrama sorry.

i just have to know. im starting to think living with an evil voice in your head can be good again.

and i spent so much time trying to reverse that.

well maybe if i go back to being a type a to myself, things will work out because i am not as bad as i used to be? things are looking way up compared to 3 years ago

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, I can see you're in a hard place. I can see by your writing that you're going through a moment, here. That's okay. I have lots of moments myself.

Hey, I'm an artist too! Well, I'm a writer mostly. I am trying to write a novel. I've been trying since I was 12 to be a published author. At 13 my goal was to be "the youngest epic fantasy novelist in history!" That didn't turn out so well. Now I think it would be great if anyone would even read what I write. I'm 32. So, 20 years ago I had this huge dream that never took off. So, I hear what you're saying about feeling like you're not getting anywhere.

It really makes me mad, too. >.< I know I have the talent. I know I have the story. I just can't get it out! And what I do get out, no one reads. >.< So, yes, life is very annoying. On top of that, I fear my bipolar is eating my brain. I'm slipping away slowly but surely. It scares me to death.

So I totally relate to your frustration. But, that doesn't mean you have to be mean. Sounds like you have depression if you're on prozac? Depression is one of those illnesses that throws off your ability to take care of things. Steals your motivation. It isn't your fault, and it is good you're mad, really. Because being mad means you do still care. You don't want to give up and give in to this. You want to fight. You can turn that anger into fire in your belly. I know you can.

Depression is part of bipolar, so I know it can be so hard. Irritation, no focus, brain fog, exhaustion, insomnia. But, it is worth the fight. Even if it doesn't seem like that right now. It really is worth it.

Hang in there.

[emptybee15]

I feel the same way. I find life to be the most annoying freaking thing. It's too hard. I didn't get the necessary skills from my family to cope with certain things so, I guess I'm just f*cked in those areas.

I don't like ANYONE until they give me a notion that they are worthy of my time and attention. Which is also something I never got, so I have this selfishness that grew inside me. Like, okay, it's been years and it seems as though no one is going to pay me any mind, so, either I go insane, or I join them and start NOT caring. So, I do that, and now I'm some sort of a**hole to people.

I can't win, no matter what, and I'm tired of it all. I don't have the energy or the motivation, I just want people to get away from me. I wish I had no need for human interaction, but being human, it's something you crave. I'm an adult now, so I should let all that go, right? SORRY! I don't know how to! I never learned that skill!!!! So, go ahead and fault me, f**k it.

Sorry, for rambling, I just got anxious about this.

[idgaf]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Hi, I can see you're in a hard place. I can see by your writing that you're going through a moment, here. That's okay. I have lots of moments myself.

Hey, I'm an artist too! Well, I'm a writer mostly. I am trying to write a novel. I've been trying since I was 12 to be a published author. At 13 my goal was to be "the youngest epic fantasy novelist in history!" That didn't turn out so well. Now I think it would be great if anyone would even read what I write. I'm 32. So, 20 years ago I had this huge dream that never took off. So, I hear what you're saying about feeling like you're not getting anywhere.

It really makes me mad, too. >.< I know I have the talent. I know I have the story. I just can't get it out! And what I do get out, no one reads. >.< So, yes, life is very annoying. On top of that, I fear my bipolar is eating my brain. I'm slipping away slowly but surely. It scares me to death.

So I totally relate to your frustration. But, that doesn't mean you have to be mean. Sounds like you have depression if you're on prozac? Depression is one of those illnesses that throws off your ability to take care of things. Steals your motivation. It isn't your fault, and it is good you're mad, really. Because being mad means you do still care. You don't want to give up and give in to this. You want to fight. You can turn that anger into fire in your belly. I know you can.

Depression is part of bipolar, so I know it can be so hard. Irritation, no focus, brain fog, exhaustion, insomnia. But, it is worth the fight. Even if it doesn't seem like that right now. It really is worth it.

Hang in there.

ya thanks for reading my tripe

honestly i know that now (its worth it) but most of the time it feels like a steady climb.

maybe its good that way, have that behind you
the only way to produce is to bleed gallons.
its really not a way to live though

dealing with creative work is like rubbing up against an ex lover all the time if it means that much.

still
its your lifes work it is supposed to take ages, be off and on, and be really raw and unsatisfying 80% of the time ya

but least i believe you can slowly teach yourself to work on a schedule, work like a horse right? if i can do that i think i can be happy. just.. figuring out the workflow. i am still young and ignorant about good work-flows.somehow i break the structure before it breaks me

we need a creatives thread. Where creatives talk amongst themselves about the grind

people who say "just do it" dont get it

will you ever go back to writing/ have you written things snce?

all i can say for you if you write anymore is, approach it like some menial task so its less likely to be torture. say "welp time to do the dishes/ scoop the kitty litter" and dont give starting much thought, like you would vacuuming

i JUST learned this

cheers ,tyvm

I agree with you about people who say just do it!. I have a counsellor telling me that with my avoidant personality disorder. It is easier said than done. I agree though that if I take teh first step toward doing something with little consequences it is fine. However some decisions in life have very big consequences if we just hop into it or "Just do it".

I took that advice once and moved to a new province and ended up in a place I could not find good work. I had sold a home bought and paid for. Now I am back to renting crappy apartments. so "Just do it" is not always the best answer.

[crazy8s]

Originally Posted by Ingrid2

I agree with you about people who say just do it!. I have a counsellor telling me that with my avoidant personality disorder. It is easier said than done. I agree though that if I take teh first step toward doing something with little consequences it is fine. However some decisions in life have very big consequences if we just hop into it or "Just do it".

I took that advice once and moved to a new province and ended up in a place I could not find good work. I had sold a home bought and paid for. Now I am back to renting crappy apartments. so "Just do it" is not always the best answer.

I have learned that when people say "just do it" they mean just get a little more accustomed. Its not meant to be a cold thing. Just that the more you inch into it everyday the easier it will get for you

[Gus1234U]

being "nice" to yourself is not the same as being "good" to yourself. cream puffs are nice, oatmeal is good. if you didn't have good parents, then you might need to work on parenting yourself. read up, take a class. people don't often like it, but i still say: "the best parenting class i ever had was dog training." it's drilled into you that you must be reasonable, attentive, consistent and caring. there is good parenting in a nutshell. best wishes,, Gus

[Perna]

One has to love the process, the subject being learned to get it all to work well together. If you don't enjoy train trips, you walk, drive, ride a horse, or take a plane instead! Everyone is going from point A to point B but where those points are are individually determined. However, the time to get from one place to another can't be hurried more than is physically possible; I live near Baltimore, Maryland and it is nearly impossible (I don't really know) to take an airplane to Washington, D.C. so wishing I could does not really get me anything?

It sounds like you are wasting energy wishing you could go "faster" learning something instead of making sure it is what you want to learn. Just because most people take a car between Baltimore and Washington does not mean I could not go by boat (I live on the water :-) Yes, it would take me much longer but if I was into boating, that's probably what I would try to do. But it sounds like you are just into checking off "Washington" on your checklist? But what are you going to be doing in Washington? Why do you want to go there instead of Philadelphia, New York City, or Phoenix?

Everything in your life should be personal; it's your life! And, being personal, it should all be about you and enjoyable to you in some fashion.

Excellent advice Gus and Perna. I also need to learn to take the route most appropriate for me. I put pressure on myself to do things faster and get frustrated with myself thinking everybody else expects it of me. I am my own worst enemy in that regard