[beauflow]

Dont know if this needs a trigger -- i am not in a real constructive thought mood right now-- they are just jabbers of bothersom life at the moment..

I am sorry first-- I just need to get this out- I was going to try to write on the daily roll call for psych but I just read so many posts .. I feel bad for even bringing this up-- I feel this is trivial to others problems..

I put this in coping with emotions which it is- it is also relationship I know..

My emotions have been all over today- again.. I am getting tired of it a bit.

I feel like i could just burst out crying then I feel just a few moments later fine.. but then not fine.. then I will feel happy with no care, and then agian to the sadness.

Today-- well actually my day started about 20:00 12/07; I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep 12/07 form like 1800-20:00, it was real crappy but stilll it was some thing- i woke up grogy of course, but then with in an hour or so (maybe half) i was so energized and ready to go!! went to work, did my stuff and what not.. messed around and even found more stuff to do at work that I usually don't do.. I was excited for my planning on the morning-going to the store to get very little food-- I get *****y a little with my relefe due to i feel he is judging me when another coworker and i were talking about texting drivers and how unsafe it was-- and the 1st co worker i was talking to was joking around with i bet you do that-- and the relefe says-- Well she should not be doing that- in this like tone that I just flipped a little madness and i am sorry-- I was like dude I dont even talk on the phoine when driving-- I got into an accident in October yes- But that was an accident and due to I am one of the morons that is not use to driving in fog!! god damn it-- i can not stand someone to tell me what to do as if i am a moron like that, texting and driving is different than driving in the fog-- and ya know i was going under the speed limit when i got in this accident so it was not like i was just ****ing flying through and like "oh what a nice fog day, lets do 60!!!!!"... just pissed me off--

Then I go to the store, i see idiot drivers (I>E Speeding up to get to the stop light sort of stuff, Speeding 30 in parking lots going all over the place, They did scare me for sure) I get in the store I was at, I feel so happy going to get food- yeah right- between out of the car to back to the car was a different person. i felt akward with a lot, on top of it I did not have my saving card that i put coupons on for stuff so I got even less than what i planned (I Realize now it would had been that way with the card cuz as I was shopping around I was like- I have been furloughed i need to go to the food bank not the store- Needless to say i did not get much- like 6 bucks worth..

Then I get home, burst of ENERGY And like this Odd Happiness.. The apt smells for some reason, it is like I am looking at the apt in new eyes-- It is so freakin filthy I can not believe i have let it get this bad AGAIN-- and I go into clean up mode!! I feel happy, acomplished but yet agitated and mad at things too... I was going to lay into my boyfriend about the mess- then I sat down and was like I am responsible as well for it....

Not only that but a few nights ago he did the dishes-- and I am like slapping myself cuz i felt like laying into him... in addition- baby steps. this man has been alone for 10 years, then about 3 years with me... He is getting better, he has good intentions. I love him so much. i just hate the mess so much it makes me go crazy some times... but it looks nice now

On top of that my boyfriend asked that when i get home I get him up so we could do some things and hang out-- I totally spaced this out-- about 2 hours later I wake him up saying sorry- he says it is ok, he slept bad as usual and that he is sorry he wants to sleep for a few more hours.. let him do so, and tell him I will eat due to I had not eaten since before i went to bed at 18:00..... (yesterday just for a reminder)

so I debone the turkey i made a few days ago- besides eating again I am working, then finally- i eat.. i sit down, i try to use my phone for typing but i am typing into the nothing as my phone has little space, i get come to the computer.. I realize that it is close to the time that my boyfriend now wants to get up-- i delete what i had wrote, write everyone that i wish them well thoughts-- and I DO.. all you on psych central- weather i ever read your posts or you ever read mine--- weather we comment or not, it does not matter- you are needed for someone here, some one similar, some one to talk to for support.

any ways- OH I forgot what is one of the main things in between that time, knew i was missing space time.. I started to think about my brother. Last saturday he texted if he could see me-- I was unfortunatly sleeping even though it was the evening, i work nights-- i end up texting him back some time sunday (i received the tet around 02:00 sunday and did not want to wake him due to he was probably asleep).. sunday he does not text back, so monday I text him saying how is he-- he says here, I tell him that is good and no arguing with me about that... I know deep down he is depressed or has an issue-- I feel like a horrible sister right now cuz I CANT DEAL WITH HIS ISSUES RIGHT NOW---- I AM SO SORRY_ I want to give him a hug and say bro- i love you but i got my own **** right now and i wont be much help...... plus what i would not tell him- is his toxic thinking some times bleeds into me--- and i just get worse---I have trouble shaking my brother due to some times he does make sense with his rants, and rage with things--- I fear he will go back to jail as well.. part of me feels like i push him away to not be so hurt with it if he does as well which does not help how i feel

I know t told me-- I need to focus on me, I spent time already trying to help my bro but i need to me now. i just feel so crumy about it--

And i know phone calls are better than texts-- but i just cant right now...

any ways so i felt like bawling about that-- then i was like crap, time to wake up my boyfriend... I go and sit on the bed, i feel crumy stil but with in a few minutes I am happy, he is up with me... I set up the printer that i got with some points that I earned through out a whole year (yay $25 printer lol) none the less, do that... I did not follow directions, but this does not bother me- I laugh that there is actually a section for ones like me to fix what we messed up and go about from there.

My boyfriend and I spend time together, love my boyfriend he makes me laugh so much some times, but i had moments of dis-trust with him... Before we were done hanging out- i ask him, you do stay true to me right?... out of now where-- he reassures me that he does and we cuddle, i tell him I am sorry for asking..

Oh I also told him sorry i cleaned the house-- he said it looked so clean when he came out and I was saying sorry I did not finish the dishes and counter.... yeah, I dont know what to do about the sorry of that sort- they are true- i feel i have to finish it all, and that if I don't i have failed in some way, and that i need apologize for being a failure and not getting it done-- sure something with my mother is there-
Logically I know i should not be, seeing how much I had done, and left like 1/10 of it undone, and let alone not fully of rest, had gotten off of work and so on.
any ways--

also-- oh i forgot this too-- before the printer set up my boyfriend and i were sitting and tlaking and he said-- you should text my sister and ask her about the insurance

I have to go to court for the accident (i mentioned that right in october) anyways -- that is a bit more to explain and i have written enough and sure with several little posts you could get the story-- any ways- I feel like his sister is going to hate me more-- i feel like she DOES not like me right now, i feel rejected for some reason from her, i still am nice, that is a good part of me but yet the taring apart in myself with this conflict makes me nervious. I am afraid to send a text to ask what she said she would get to me.....(She prefers texts so this is ok rather than a call)... any ways--- I make my boyfriend review each and every text i send to his sister for review before sending it to her..

She sends smiliey faces and says they are on it, just need to find it.. I do step up to suggest about calling the insurance co for a copy, and that it may be faster (that part i said her brother said/my boyfriend).. she said ok to that too--- These are not really responses that I can go off weather she is ok or mad with me-- I am sure it is just my insecurity that makes me feel like she is mad at me for asking... along with other stemming issues.

Ya know i say i feel like she has rejected me, when in reality i have probably rejected her first by being so distant... i hate me.. i dont get me and i wish i could stop- it is not till almost 3 years do i see that-

any ways-- so happy with boyfriend after the text with his sister..... then as my boyfriend is getting ready for work, i am getting this "fake feel fine" again...

OH and then to read about virginia tech recent shooting.. it is upsetting we are in such a violent world and people blame '' gun groups'' comeon people it is the ''human group as a whole'' and this whole blame game on both sides just makes it all worse..

any ways- I do feel rather bettter....

I suppose I shall post-- maybe ask for it to be delted i am not sure.. i just feel all over,
I have felt, happy, content, silly, goofy, empathetic, helpful, sad, mad, angry even, annoyed, almost to rage with co-worker, failure, and... tearing apart, scared, unwanted, unloved, loved, wanted,.... all in a few hours

I know 2000-1500 is a long time-- but the above emotions i have had since 06:00-13:00 as well-- work is distant right now as far as 1800-06:00 besides the anxious to come home and excited!! and near rage with co-worker...

blah---

OH AND to top it off-- i forgot this i am so sorry but one more thing, the day after court I go see my 2nd pdoc--- for the first time, i told t i would write my list of concerns to this pdoc and maybe that would help-- still need to that, and i know i will forget things as usual and they are important ones... and not only that i still feel like failure for going to try meds some where in side of me.. another place inside of me is hopeful.

I know-- T said don't feel that way, if the meds help I am on the right track with getting better...

Best wishes all!

and as the time that has past-- i am editing now

I have gotten all excited, and proud of my dog-- He can;t be left alone, but I wanted to go to the office to get something that arrived for me and i am tooo tired to deal with his pulling and attemps to jump on people.. i left him in the bedroom as i do when i take a shower, and he actually was still on the bed when i came back Meaning, he probably did not whine, bark, or what not-- this due when he does when i have left him out in the open or cage, he does stay still.. in one spot-- he knew i left cuz he was all excited to see me.... sigh..

I got excited cuz the thing from the office is a surprise-- and i dont even want to say it on here!! lol

[beauflow]

I got some good sleep 12/08 17:00-22:30 unfortunately I was late for work-- eek, glad I have a good cover...
and IDK i just feel odd- I have had this feeling as I am not really on earth if you know what i mean, like an out of it-- a some what obliviously on what is going on.. I just feel so funny in my head... my emotions have not stopped swings thought-

Just a bit ago i felt rather depressed like no one likes me, and that I am utterly alone... and that it is all tricks to me to be nice.... i am sorry i go down this path.... i know emotions dont come out of no where i guess, but they do for me a lot.

I guess part of it may be that I can not have a decent conversation with my boyfriend due to his phone sucks- it always drops calls, it always goes in and out- granted my phones are not the top of them all- they are decent enough to talk to someone for a full conversation 95% of the time. the other 5 % splits to bad areas and where almost no phones work unless land line.

IDK it could be part of it- I like to talk to him.... it helps a lot...

I still feel bad about my brother.

Today I just want to be left alone, I hope no one comes to smoke with me- i want to be just a lone

[Charlie_J]

Hi Beauflow,

I certainly hope you are feeling better; I know how exhausting those rollercoaster mood swings are, and it sounds like you are under some stress besides.

I just wanted to point out something I noticed while reading your thoughts, and with any luck you will find it helpful. You say at the beginning that your problems are trivial compared to others, but there are no trivial problems. That in itself is a contradiction in terms. It's one of those silly quirks of the language that shouldn't really exist.

Then I noticed that this belief seems to be running through everything else, and you really should give yourself some credit. Everything you feel, think and experience is valid. You are human, and from what I see you're very caring, and one of the better examples of our species.

I just wish that I could make you feel better.

Regarding your dog... have you ever heard of Kongs? They're great for training. What you said about leaving the room was a great sign, and you should do that regularly as you go about the house to encourage him to be more independent and self-sufficient. If he does insist on following you around, be boring. Don't pay him any attention whatsoever until you've finished what you were doing and sit down.

Anyway, just wanted to say I was thinking of you, and hope you're doing okay.

[beauflow]

Charlie J- Thank you- Ya know I read this and put a thank you and was like IDK what to say

You are kind that is for sure-

I know I keep getting told to give myself credit as a human, don't sell myself short, don't be so hard on myself- I have been told that last one since a child, it has not seeped through (but maybe one day it will)

And Charlie J- reading what you wrote did make me feel better, I think people forget even a simple- I hear you - helps some times

I know I feel as you mention- I just want to make others feel better, I wish i had a sack of happy dust and could sprinkle it on people and it make them happy.. oh wait that sounds too familiar to my earlier life LOL

I just wish I could set out my emotions some days- I am working on it in therapy, sadly breaking down to go try some meds from a pdoc, maybe... I am trying to remember to take breaks in life, to do my art / projects on the side.. but i still find myself in a whirl wind so many times even when trying to stay on that; and some days I just need to rant (lol) as I am sure everyone does some days I could argue that some ranting is construction to get things in order

I am thankful this year even though I have dipped down, it has not been as a few years back of dipping down and staying down.... I still dip down to far for some's comforts but I keep reminding myself--- back a few years ago that was bad, and at least i try to keep moving this year at least- even if it is hard to.

I am not sure which I hate more-- the whirl wind mood swings or depression.... hard to say some days--- both suck :P

Hope you are doing well too!!



And my dog- yes- I have had him for a year and do the ignore thing, and he is just-- so use to his old owners i think still... He is hard of learning but I think I will do as you suggested with the room and have him sit there off and on. go for short walks to the mail box and all... I just have to have patients and time-- and he needs to not tear up the apt LOL

I love him still though- he is my dog now, and i just need to try a bit harder with training him and not caving in to his demand of being with us (my boyfriend and I) all the time.

Hello Beauflow,

It was interesting to read your posts. I wasn't able to understand some of it,but it seems that you struggle with a lot of emotions. I have had problems dealing with strong emotions also. I eventually learned that, "agreeing to disagree" with someone is a very helpful tool. I let people think their thoughts and I don't try too hard at understanding why they think or behave the way they do. I've learned that if someone says something mean to me or does something cruel, it isn't usually anything that I have done anything to deserve it. I believe that people act that way because they are in a bad "Mood" or very stressed out and can't handle their own emotions. I think this way and it helps me to control my own emotions. I like to go for walks when I am very stressed also. Sometimes reading helps. Listening to music. Watching a little TV. I think you are on the right road if you are reaching out for help with your emotions. Plenty of people who are sitting in prison right now, I'm very sure they wish they had managed their emotions better. One act of stupidity can destroy lives. I hope things get more manageable for you

Peace, A.