[BrokenNBeautiful]

Before anyone responds here, I need to make myself clear:

I am not about to hurt anyone, I know what this is about.

I am dealing with strong emotions and need to identify with others struggling with the similar issues.

so before you read on, all I need is identification, not advice or counseling.

This is about my emotion regulation issues.

*
*
*
I talk about it.

I try to hold control.

But when things happen, I lose it.

Not being violent or really hurting anyone, but sometimes it's verbal, often it's just angry hateful thoughts in my head and I want to yell and stomp and bang on things.

I feel like one big tantrum.

I know where it comes from. I was abused.

It's a big ball of grief.

But I get so scared of it's power over me.

today I missed the bus cause I had to sit in the shade on a very hot hot day (anothe heat wave again) and it was running 5 mins late.

I hollered.

I hate my anger.

It's totally out of proportion with the present day stuff. That should have only mildly annoyed me.

I am a ball of rage.

Billi

[Leed]

Billi ~ Have you gone to the Abuse forum and talked about it? Why don't you go there, and see what they have to say? We will certainly listen to you too. But you NEED to get it out!

How were you abused? Who abused you? When did it happen? It doesn't matter if it was a long time ago -- if you were abused, it MATTERS. Abuse follows you into your adulthood, and it doesn't go away until you DEAL with it and FACE it. So you should talk to a therapist, and learn the best methods of dealing with the abuse.

Can you see a therapist? Can you afford to? It would be the best thing for you. If you have insurance, they will pay for it. But you NEED to get this out with a therapist. Or you can talk about it here, but we aren't trained in this kind of thing. YOu can get it OUT here, but we can't give you the methods you needs in order to deal with it.

Please see about getting a therapist, ok? But we'll ALWAYS be here to listen -- we'll never leave. God bless and keep us posted, ok? Big hugs, Lee

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Leed

Billi ~ Have you gone to the Abuse forum and talked about it? Why don't you go there, and see what they have to say? We will certainly listen to you too. But you NEED to get it out!

How were you abused? Who abused you? When did it happen? It doesn't matter if it was a long time ago -- if you were abused, it MATTERS. Abuse follows you into your adulthood, and it doesn't go away until you DEAL with it and FACE it. So you should talk to a therapist, and learn the best methods of dealing with the abuse.

Can you see a therapist? Can you afford to? It would be the best thing for you. If you have insurance, they will pay for it. But you NEED to get this out with a therapist. Or you can talk about it here, but we aren't trained in this kind of thing. YOu can get it OUT here, but we can't give you the methods you needs in order to deal with it.

Please see about getting a therapist, ok? But we'll ALWAYS be here to listen -- we'll never leave. God bless and keep us posted, ok? Big hugs, Lee

This was clearly an emotion regulation issue, Leed.

Also, if you will please read my posts you will know that I cannot afford therapy, nor are there any indigent centers in my area that are open now cauase of budget cuts. Also therapy does not work for everyone.

Also, I have been pronounced "untreatable" *by* the mental health system.

If you cannot deal with my issues here you don't have to respond. I know you are trying to help. Please just let me process this stuff, okay?

Maybe I need to be clearer about what i need when I post.

I don't want advice. Only identification. NO one here, not even me, is qualified to tell anyone what they NEED to do. (Just my opinion but one I hold to, first and foremost, in peer counseling)

Identification in a group.

That's what helps me most.

Billi

Billi,
I don't know how close our situations mirror each other, but I CAN identify with you to at least some degree....I think you know that by now. I know you don't want friends, but I'm here if you need someone......for as long as my own messed up mind will allow me to be.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by carmasia

Billi,
I don't know how close our situations mirror each other, but I CAN identify with you to at least some degree....I think you know that by now. I know you don't want friends, but I'm here if you need someone......for as long as my own messed up mind will allow me to be.

yes, thanks, carmasia, I know

and I really appreciate it.

You have been very supportive toward me and I do really identify with you, too.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I t hink I will check out the survivors forum, too and talk about this.

This addressed my survivor and my emotion reg issues.

B.

Billi,
Sometimes people's help or advice is misguided and the BPD makes it SO easy to take things the wrong way and get unduly angry, but I don't believe anyone means you harm here, and you never know....you might actually get some good ideas if you allow yourself to. Hang in there!!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I got some great ideas. I went to the survivors forum and got good support.

I validated how I felt, taking things hard and also tried to stay in reality.

thanks,

B.

[Open Eyes]

(((billie))),

I think the advice you got where some "professional" told you that there was no way to help you was someone who didn't know what they were talking about. I understand you to have PTSD and BPD, those often go hand in hand if the PTSD goes back to childhood. But if someone is BPD, it doesn't mean that person is not treatable. What it does mean however is that the treatment "takes time" and a "therpist has to be very patient and understanding".

I get very angry myself, and can throw a fit or two as well. I understand how hard it can be as well when "rage" enters into the picture. I noticed that I can get "snappy" and I can have anger build up in me and not really know where to put it.

Anger is "energy" and it is important to try to provide yourself with an outlet to utilize the "energy" that anger presents. I had all kinds of ways I did that, unknowingly one I can think of is how "clean" my house used to be. Ugh, I was so angry with my husband and how he challenged me with his drinking and denial, I just cleaned and cleaned, and a pdoc might have called it OCD, but it wasn't that at all, it was "anger".

You don't want a friend? Ok, I can understand that, friends are a lot of work and it is hard to find someone that can be "trusted" especially if someone has been CSA.

PTSD and anger, well, I find that "anger" can just pop out and sometimes all I can do is recognize it "after" it happens. But the important thing to understand Billi, is that you "recognize" it and you are also noticing how it is not so easy to control, me too.
But I work at it Billi, I work and understanding the anger "trigger" in myself and "why" it is there. I have even addressed it in PC, I would be triggered and try to put up with it and get hit again until finally it came to a point where I just could not control the anger, ofcourse that did not turn out to be a "supportive" post so that situation was "deleted". But that "can" happen if someone with PTSD gets "triggered enough" and that person has not worked on "controling" the anger that "pops up" and can be blinding.

This is where therapy is a plus or to have a "very understanding" person who might trigger me/you so I/you can exude the anger and then calm down and "pay attention to how it happened".

Now I totally understand not having a T due to not having the funds to do so, I have been in that position myself, and it was at a time where I truely needed one. And for a few months all I had was PC because I could not find a T that specialized in treating PTSD that I could "try" to afford. I finally did find one and too bad you are not in my neck of the woods because he also treats BPD and feels that it is "very treatable" and just gets a "bad reputation". I don't have it myself, but I met someone in PC that had it so I asked about it in therapy.

Anyway, the first part of "learning to control the emotions that present with PTSD" are to notice them and "observe" what happens when it happens. That is something you are actually doing right now. But what you "dont realize" is that you can slowly "learn" to change that lack of control. You have to "trace" it back to what is the cause, and there is always a cause. I know I have mine and it does involve me being surpressed in early childhood, but also at other times in my life. It is a "control" thing Billi, and that is also why you are not so fond of "friends" either. But that part can change with time, but not until you spend time "tracing" the "whys" to your own "triggers" and that includes "anger".

It isn't easy to deal with anger in PTSD. Often the anger Pops first without even being "aware" it is coming on. So I can relate to your frustration. At least you are doing some "venting" here in the abuse forum, that is good because you need to vent, trace outloud where that comes from and "get validated for feeling these strong feelings".

As hard as it may seem billi, struggling with PTSD doesn't have to mean you have to "accept" triggers as "who you are now or how you will always be". You only need to "learn" your way past it. We are discovering that we can overcome a lot, "if" we are heard, and taught how.

You are making progress in that you are "aware" that anger is a challenge for you. But it doesn't have to "remain" that way. You have to find ways to release, and also resolve. And also not to turn it inward because you cannot seem to find resolve, that is common and not healthy either.

I see you in the forums, if you can't afford a T, which is really what you need, a good T that is not "intimidated" by BPD, you have to do a lot of research on your own as well as at least keep reaching out in the forums. Just remember though, the members here are "not" Ts, we all just share what we learn in therapy and how we manage our own issues and concerns.

Open Eyes

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thank you for your support open eyes.

I can't keep beating my head against a wall.

I am thru doing research on therapists.

Right now.

Unless and until I see ads on tv that talk about bpd and until the counseling centers are open again, I can't do it.

I am sick of rejection right now.

I dream of having a t that understands.

But it's not going to happen right now. I did look. I did.

And I find the most help here.

At least ppl here accept me and treat me like a person.

that therapist did not know what she was doing! And she tried to send me back to a place that was abusive that I got out of!

I did try after that for a while, online t's and a couple more f2f ones. And got shot down again!

sorry.

thanks agian for recognizing my hard work, too.

I am busting my behind trying to beat this.

Billi

[Open Eyes]

((((Billie)))),

Ok, I understand that too. I had some bad experiences with some T's and I had gotten to a point where I felt I was wasting my time.

However, I just remembered what my T had told me about "his" opinion of BPD, he didn't agree with the way it was labeled as I mentioned, and he felt that patients were experiencing more PTSD symptoms and that it is more important to treat that
other than thinking of a patient the way many psychologists view BPD.

So if you get to a point where you want to consider a T again, you should think about finding a T that treates PTSD and don't even mention the BPD. From what I have observed and read in your threads and vents/questions etc, a lot of the symptoms you are discribing are typical of someone with a history of abuse and neglect as a child.
Even how you feel that PC is helping you? Well, you are discovering that you are not alone in your struggle and you are getting validated for your anger/sadness/desire to distance/ lack of trust/frustration etc.

"I am busting my behind trying to beat this." quote billie

Yes, I see you trying, and I am doing the same and PC does help with the fact that it brings together people who struggle and offer support.

If I can share what "I" have learned thus far here and with my Therapist? I would say that the "healing" with PTSD is up and down and not a steady climb. So it is important to "recognize" your gains even when you hit a patch where you feel like you fell hard somehow from some kind of trigger. When that happens it doesnt mean you are not gaining ground in your efforts billie, important to remember that.

In your time here you are discovering that people who struggle with PTSD all feel that "no one will understand them" or "no one will realize the work it is to overcome the aniexty or anger or other strong emotions that bubble up and present a tremdous challenge" if people understood me they would stop saying "just" knowing that to say so is ignorant and even very offensive.

To desire to "beat" PTSD and continue to make gains, it is better to think about "growing past PTSD" instead.

My T was on vacation for a couple of weeks and during that time I had some things take place that really "stirred up" the old feelings of being hurt/betrayed/misunderstood/ and trapped. And I got disappointed in myself too because I didn't have the "quick solutions" nor did I seem to be able to "use the coping skills I had somehow gained" either. And part of me was getting angry and also "afraid" that the IRL challenges going on in my life were challenging me so much that my brain was just being "hurt more" somehow.

Well, finally I got back in front of my T and he validated the fact that the challenges I am facing are truely "challenges" and are not fair to me and the fact that I am genuinely struggling with PTSD. But he also reminded me of how far I had come in my recovery and to remember that the brain "learns and grows" all through our lives and that our brains are very capable of "healing".

Yesterday I got a call from my sister and billie, she is big trigger and has always been controlling and a know it all and my struggle with her just goes all the way back. My parents are rapidly aging right now and in their late 80's. And my sister has been in her control mode with them and I have not even been able to hear her voice without having crippling flashbacks and emotional confusion for days.

Well, I picked up the phone because I know that any day that call could mean something bad or urgent. And her call was about how my father isn't "driving" anymore and that he failed a test to see if he could. And because I know my father is also strong minded and controlling and willful I had a suggestion. But as always, as soon as I wanted to share my ideas, my sister hung up on me. That has always been her style for as long as I have been alive, if someone dares to challenge her opinion of all knowingness, she hangs up or walks away and wont even recognize the opinion of others even if it is actually "valid and helpful".

Well, I called her back (she didn't pick up, which is also childish behavior) so I left a message. "Sister, our parents are old and declineing in health and things are going to be very hard, your unwillingness to discuss a plan is childish and has nothing to do with anyone "criticizing" you. If you want to be left alone and isolated with this issue than this avoidance practice is going to leave you alone and overwhelmed".

Well, she finally called back and I got her to listen and I "listened" to her as well. And I learned that because she "has been" so controlling and my "father is also stubborn and controlling and self absorbed" guess what, her needing to "be in charge is not going well for her".

Now billie, I am sharing this because for the first time, I didn't see her as a monster hurting me and controling me. Instead I was able to listen enough to hear that she was actually "frightened" and "losing control" and there have even been incidents of physical threats taking place between her and my father. But I also remembered that my sister tends to "disguise the truth and play the victim in her effort to maintain her sense of control". However, still, instead of my brain seeing a monster and wanting to run, I remained "calm and intent of listening so that I could get a better idea of the "real picture" of what has been going on".

Growing through and past PTSD. Well, I still have it billie and I still experience that pop up anger and urge to "flight" feeling. But, in my time in PC and listening to so many others sharing their personal struggles, through reading and researching PTSD as well as other mental health issues, through being triggered in PC, wanting to run away from PC too, and yet maintaining my identity and vowing to work through whatever comes up to challenge me, I "have" been "growing".

I have explored my own history, discovered how I defend myself and even avoid unknowingly. I have revisited the monsters of my past as well and even faced my own sense of "feeling I am not smart enough, or strong enough, or knowledgable enough, or even how other people misjudge me and why that happens". I have read so many threads in the past year of so many members that feel trapped and lost and even want to give up. So many stories of abuse, neglect, and just wanting to be loved and validated and to find a purpose or meaning to this thing called "life". And somehow on that journey I learned about what it means to "be human" and that we all, "need, lack, get hurt, struggle, struggle with self esteem, and struggle with "trust".

In that conversation with my sister, my past has always put into question "being able to trust her and not feel like a victim around her". And in my conversation yesterday, I could still see the foundation that made that happen. But this time, it was more about "trusting myself" to give myself permission to not be "the victim".

"GROWING" billie, yesterday I realized that my sister is still in that same "position" that she has always been in. However, because I have been learning, interacting, and listening and talking and opening up and getting validated and validating others and looking for solutions and opening up to "self love and being patient with myself" as I keep telling others to do. I realized that I have actually been "GROWING" while my sister has stayed the "same".

And that is why I pointed out to you (((billie))) to recognize that "yes you have a challenge with anger". But you are "paying attention to that challenge" and that is the first step towards "allowing yourself to consider growing" instead of just saying,
"I am an angry person and I don't want friends and I, I, I". It is not that you "have" these emotions, it is about "recognizing them as a challenge to you" and to be willing to see "why" these emotions are there, what made that happen in you and how can you learn to control these emotions. And I can clearly, without a doubt, say, that it IS a real challenge. However, I can also say billie, that you "can slowly" learn how to "out grow, grow past, and gain".

Open Eyes

[happiedasiy]

Anger and a way out...

I am a peaceful nuetral person.
I understand intellectually why I feel the way I do.
I am not quick to anger but recently challanged and failed.
I became more angry at myself for allowing someone to change my state of mind.
I know thinking negative thought brings negative karma so alot of times I have to catch myself because....
There is a part of me at times where I think I could really enjoy torturing those who have injured me (my abusers'). But I know that this is Mara challanging me.( in Buddhism,a force of evil, sometimes concived to be devil).
So I have been taught by paying attention of my thinking, thoughts, intentions, and actions to just wag my finger and say I see you Mara and my mind returns to neutral.
Vengence is not mine, and Revenge will not bring me solace.
I pray/meditate for protection against those who wish me harm.
Karma is a beautful thing, it takes care of me.

I do not wish harm to anyone and my faith is what keeps me strong.
I can say alllowing Karma resolve things is better than being attatched to anger.
Happiedasiy

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I did try to find a ptsd t and there were no t's that accepted my insurance and I did try to pay for one out of pocket. Guess what? She didn't think I had it. And it was the only t I could find within my price range.

arrggh!

I appreciate the sharing and the hope it generates.

I am sorry to report so many doors slammed in my face.

But it happened.

And I just gave up on t's.

But I will never give up on therapy and there are other ways to do it.

thanks and peace,

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((((Billie)))),

Ok, I understand that too. I had some bad experiences with some T's and I had gotten to a point where I felt I was wasting my time.

However, I just remembered what my T had told me about "his" opinion of BPD, he didn't agree with the way it was labeled as I mentioned, and he felt that patients were experiencing more PTSD symptoms and that it is more important to treat that
other than thinking of a patient the way many psychologists view BPD.

So if you get to a point where you want to consider a T again, you should think about finding a T that treates PTSD and don't even mention the BPD. From what I have observed and read in your threads and vents/questions etc, a lot of the symptoms you are discribing are typical of someone with a history of abuse and neglect as a child.
Even how you feel that PC is helping you? Well, you are discovering that you are not alone in your struggle and you are getting validated for your anger/sadness/desire to distance/ lack of trust/frustration etc.

"I am busting my behind trying to beat this." quote billie

Yes, I see you trying, and I am doing the same and PC does help with the fact that it brings together people who struggle and offer support.

If I can share what "I" have learned thus far here and with my Therapist? I would say that the "healing" with PTSD is up and down and not a steady climb. So it is important to "recognize" your gains even when you hit a patch where you feel like you fell hard somehow from some kind of trigger. When that happens it doesnt mean you are not gaining ground in your efforts billie, important to remember that.

In your time here you are discovering that people who struggle with PTSD all feel that "no one will understand them" or "no one will realize the work it is to overcome the aniexty or anger or other strong emotions that bubble up and present a tremdous challenge" if people understood me they would stop saying "just" knowing that to say so is ignorant and even very offensive.

To desire to "beat" PTSD and continue to make gains, it is better to think about "growing past PTSD" instead.

My T was on vacation for a couple of weeks and during that time I had some things take place that really "stirred up" the old feelings of being hurt/betrayed/misunderstood/ and trapped. And I got disappointed in myself too because I didn't have the "quick solutions" nor did I seem to be able to "use the coping skills I had somehow gained" either. And part of me was getting angry and also "afraid" that the IRL challenges going on in my life were challenging me so much that my brain was just being "hurt more" somehow.

Well, finally I got back in front of my T and he validated the fact that the challenges I am facing are truely "challenges" and are not fair to me and the fact that I am genuinely struggling with PTSD. But he also reminded me of how far I had come in my recovery and to remember that the brain "learns and grows" all through our lives and that our brains are very capable of "healing".

Yesterday I got a call from my sister and billie, she is big trigger and has always been controlling and a know it all and my struggle with her just goes all the way back. My parents are rapidly aging right now and in their late 80's. And my sister has been in her control mode with them and I have not even been able to hear her voice without having crippling flashbacks and emotional confusion for days.

Well, I picked up the phone because I know that any day that call could mean something bad or urgent. And her call was about how my father isn't "driving" anymore and that he failed a test to see if he could. And because I know my father is also strong minded and controlling and willful I had a suggestion. But as always, as soon as I wanted to share my ideas, my sister hung up on me. That has always been her style for as long as I have been alive, if someone dares to challenge her opinion of all knowingness, she hangs up or walks away and wont even recognize the opinion of others even if it is actually "valid and helpful".

Well, I called her back (she didn't pick up, which is also childish behavior) so I left a message. "Sister, our parents are old and declineing in health and things are going to be very hard, your unwillingness to discuss a plan is childish and has nothing to do with anyone "criticizing" you. If you want to be left alone and isolated with this issue than this avoidance practice is going to leave you alone and overwhelmed".

Well, she finally called back and I got her to listen and I "listened" to her as well. And I learned that because she "has been" so controlling and my "father is also stubborn and controlling and self absorbed" guess what, her needing to "be in charge is not going well for her".

Now billie, I am sharing this because for the first time, I didn't see her as a monster hurting me and controling me. Instead I was able to listen enough to hear that she was actually "frightened" and "losing control" and there have even been incidents of physical threats taking place between her and my father. But I also remembered that my sister tends to "disguise the truth and play the victim in her effort to maintain her sense of control". However, still, instead of my brain seeing a monster and wanting to run, I remained "calm and intent of listening so that I could get a better idea of the "real picture" of what has been going on".

Growing through and past PTSD. Well, I still have it billie and I still experience that pop up anger and urge to "flight" feeling. But, in my time in PC and listening to so many others sharing their personal struggles, through reading and researching PTSD as well as other mental health issues, through being triggered in PC, wanting to run away from PC too, and yet maintaining my identity and vowing to work through whatever comes up to challenge me, I "have" been "growing".

I have explored my own history, discovered how I defend myself and even avoid unknowingly. I have revisited the monsters of my past as well and even faced my own sense of "feeling I am not smart enough, or strong enough, or knowledgable enough, or even how other people misjudge me and why that happens". I have read so many threads in the past year of so many members that feel trapped and lost and even want to give up. So many stories of abuse, neglect, and just wanting to be loved and validated and to find a purpose or meaning to this thing called "life". And somehow on that journey I learned about what it means to "be human" and that we all, "need, lack, get hurt, struggle, struggle with self esteem, and struggle with "trust".

In that conversation with my sister, my past has always put into question "being able to trust her and not feel like a victim around her". And in my conversation yesterday, I could still see the foundation that made that happen. But this time, it was more about "trusting myself" to give myself permission to not be "the victim".

"GROWING" billie, yesterday I realized that my sister is still in that same "position" that she has always been in. However, because I have been learning, interacting, and listening and talking and opening up and getting validated and validating others and looking for solutions and opening up to "self love and being patient with myself" as I keep telling others to do. I realized that I have actually been "GROWING" while my sister has stayed the "same".

And that is why I pointed out to you (((billie))) to recognize that "yes you have a challenge with anger". But you are "paying attention to that challenge" and that is the first step towards "allowing yourself to consider growing" instead of just saying,
"I am an angry person and I don't want friends and I, I, I". It is not that you "have" these emotions, it is about "recognizing them as a challenge to you" and to be willing to see "why" these emotions are there, what made that happen in you and how can you learn to control these emotions. And I can clearly, without a doubt, say, that it IS a real challenge. However, I can also say billie, that you "can slowly" learn how to "out grow, grow past, and gain".

Open Eyes

this deserves more than just a thanks for this, from me. thanks for validating my hard work, sharing your story and esp validating that I "have a challenge", not me "being an angry person".

this means a lot to me.

Billi