Trying

I'm trying to be strong. I had an affair and fell in love with another man. I haven't seen him since last summer and haven't even had sex with him in over a year. The worst part about this is he hates me now and we talked for the past couple months for him to cut all communication. While I know it's for the best and were no good for eachother, it's still so hard. I just miss being understood, we had so much in common. I miss that we had so much in common and could talk for hours.
I'm trying so hard to heal, it's hard to heal, be strong, deal with all these feelings and realize I've hurt him. I miss my best friend. I miss being understood, I miss him.

(((((((Justme 55))))))

I read an old post about your troubled marriage. Oh, I can so relate to that. My husband was a binge alcoholic and not at all the man I thought I married. He eventually got help and has been working on changing. Yes, I try to be forgiving but the hurts of what he did to me are still there. It IS a very difficult situation, I can step right into your shoes.

I never had an affair, but after reading your sentiments here I sat and thought about it. I think that if I DID come across a man more like what I originally wanted, someone who got me and gave what I had needed. Well, I would struggle with the same emotions that your struggling with now.

I see that your still SO young yet. I really think that you need to think about this in the long term. Yes, I see the struggle and question of, do I stay and wait for this man to grow up and be what I wanted? OR do I just cut loose and search for someone else that can fill that need with no bad memories that I have to overcome?

For me?, I had a child when I went through this and I based my decision on trying to stay with my husband because I felt that it was best for my child. And after six year of my husband being sober, I was hit with the fact that HE cheated on me as well. That hit me to the core of me and I didn't know WHAT to do. AGAIN, at the time my daughter was around 12 years old and a therapist told me that it was a bad time for my child to experience a divorce. My priorities were that child that I brought into this world and I ended up taking a very difficult road of again repairing my marriage.

I am wondering if, given your husbands irresponsible selfish behavior, did he cheat on you as well in this time? It sure would not surprize me at all. To be honest, that is a biggie. Because if he did, at some point he will harbor guilt over it and there will always be a part of him that will distance from you because of the guilt.

Healthy relationships have to be HONEST relationships. There has to be trust there for sound building blocks. Otherwise, in my honest opinion, the relationship will just never truely grow and last the test of time.

I cannot make decisions for you Just 55. But what I can do is speak from my own experience looking back on my own marriage. My husband and I are close, but there was quite a journey, a very painful journey to get there. And I honestly don't think what I have now, which is not perfect, could have happened with the harbor of guilt. And to be honest, there is always going to be a part of me that experienced some very troubling memories about this man that I share my life with.

I totally understand your confusion. I really think that you need to really discuss this with a good therapist, possibly one that is very experienced with marriage counceling.

(((((HUGS))))))
Open Eyes

If you had so much in common why didn't you get divorced and marry him?

Because one that's not healthy affairs aren't either, two; jumping from one marriage to the next is not going to heal myself and only cause pain for all party's, 3; he's bipolar, borderline and depressed and became verbally and psychologically abusive when he didn't get his way. Proof I'm allowed to love with him, but should not be with him as he isn't healthy for my own mental stability and well being.

Thank you, yes I know he went outside our marriage and he was so uninvolved in our marriage and sons life I just detached and didn't care. I don't feel guilty, just stupid for having fallen in love but I'm working on a better me to see of we can't meet in the middle. At the very least improve for what the future holds, whatever it may be.

QUOTE=Open Eyes;2226741](((((((Justme 55))))))

I read an old post about your troubled marriage. Oh, I can so relate to that. My husband was a binge alcoholic and not at all the man I thought I married. He eventually got help and has been working on changing. Yes, I try to be forgiving but the hurts of what he did to me are still there. It IS a very difficult situation, I can step right into your shoes.

I never had an affair, but after reading your sentiments here I sat and thought about it. I think that if I DID come across a man more like what I originally wanted, someone who got me and gave what I had needed. Well, I would struggle with the same emotions that your struggling with now.

I see that your still SO young yet. I really think that you need to think about this in the long term. Yes, I see the struggle and question of, do I stay and wait for this man to grow up and be what I wanted? OR do I just cut loose and search for someone else that can fill that need with no bad memories that I have to overcome?

For me?, I had a child when I went through this and I based my decision on trying to stay with my husband because I felt that it was best for my child. And after six year of my husband being sober, I was hit with the fact that HE cheated on me as well. That hit me to the core of me and I didn't know WHAT to do. AGAIN, at the time my daughter was around 12 years old and a therapist told me that it was a bad time for my child to experience a divorce. My priorities were that child that I brought into this world and I ended up taking a very difficult road of again repairing my marriage.

I am wondering if, given your husbands irresponsible selfish behavior, did he cheat on you as well in this time? It sure would not surprize me at all. To be honest, that is a biggie. Because if he did, at some point he will harbor guilt over it and there will always be a part of him that will distance from you because of the guilt.

Healthy relationships have to be HONEST relationships. There has to be trust there for sound building blocks. Otherwise, in my honest opinion, the relationship will just never truely grow and last the test of time.

I cannot make decisions for you Just 55. But what I can do is speak from my own experience looking back on my own marriage. My husband and I are close, but there was quite a journey, a very painful journey to get there. And I honestly don't think what I have now, which is not perfect, could have happened with the harbor of guilt. And to be honest, there is always going to be a part of me that experienced some very troubling memories about this man that I share my life with.

I totally understand your confusion. I really think that you need to really discuss this with a good therapist, possibly one that is very experienced with marriage counceling.

(((((HUGS))))))
Open Eyes[/QUOTE]

Well I think that you just needed to somehow release your feelings then here. It sounds like your really looking at the reality of how the other person would not be a good match for you. You have some productive thoughts. I am glad you don't feel guilty about the affair itself. Maybe that love is there because at the time it all happened you honestly needed a very confused empty space filled. I think that you can love someone for providing some way to fill that very confused space. I don't think you have to be guilty or ashamed.

Your really trying to learn what is best for you here. I think you must continue to make sure that you are taking care of YOUR needs. Having a outside councel for yourself via therapy will be good for you. IMO

Open Eyes