[gnomy476]

Hi, I'm 17 years old and I feel like ****. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety by a psychologist. I went to therapy and it helped for a few hours after every session, however, the feelings would return afterwards. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling. It's confusing. I feel depressed, yet I feel like there is this repressed anger or rage in me. When I'm feeling this way, I start crying and thinking about hurting myself. And I've hurt myself in the past and I thought i was over it, but I ended cutting myself two weeks ago. Last night, I was fine. I took a nap and I woke up disorented and angry and I saw my cat and thought about hurting it. I've never had those kinds of thoughts directed to any other living thing but myself. I feel ashamed for even thinking about it, but something brought me back to reality. A few hours later, I was thinking about that and I burst out crying because I feel like my unstable emotions are affecting me. I told my parents about it but they didn't do anything, I thought they were taking me to therapy but they took me to a physician because they thought I was physically sick and that could be playing a role in my emotions. I'm not sick, though. I feel mentally unstable and distressed. I punched a wall this morning and threw a bottle across the room because I've never felt this kind of anger and sadness before. And whenever I'm like this, I start thinking about everything that's wrong in the world and how I wish I could fix it but I can't. I also start thinking that I'm a nuisance and that's why no one likes me or wants to talk to me. I have a boyfriend and it's not his fault and he's a good person, but when Im feeling like this, most things he says pisses me off. Most things people say piss me off when I'm experience this kind of mental turmoil. I don't know what wrong with me...I don't have that many friends and sometimes I feel lonely. And I can't hang out with my boyfriend because we're in a long distance relationship. And my parents are Jesus freaks and think I'm acting like this because of my age. And they also tell me that I need Jesus in my life. And I don't really trust them, they're closed-minded and whenever I tell them something, they're either against it or tell me I need to pray. Like when I told them about my LDR, they say I shouldn't be dating and that I'm not ready to have a boyfriend. I don't get along with my mom, either. I feel so alone and that's why I'm here...looking for help. And please don't tell me to do things I like because I've tried it before and it doesn't really work. Plus, I don't have that many hobbies. And since I'm always anxious, eating has become a great part of my daily routine. I've gained weight because I guess eating makes me feel better or makes me forget about stuff. I'm not overweight or obese but I will be if i don't get help. And I don't want to talk to any school counselor because that's going to make things more difficult. And yes, I've had suicidal thoughts. I was having them last night. And btw, whatever I'm feeling usually lasts for a few hours or one or two days. Then I'm back to normal until another relapse. This usually happens whenever I'm home...and that's like everyday, except when I go to school.I feel like I'm asphyxiating. Is rocking back and forth sign of a mental problem or something? Because I do that a lot...It makes me feel better. I don't know what's wrong....if someone has experienced these symptoms or is still experiencing them and has an idea as to what it is, please tell me...I'm going insane. I couldn't stop crying and I've even missed school because of it.

[mortimer]

Why will the school counselor make it worse?

Do your parents know you cut and think about suicide? My parents finding out that I did sent me to a hospital so fast.

Did your therapist know you felt these things because if they did I have a feeling you'd still be seeing one?

Maybe you could call your old therapist. Maybe she couldn't help you then, but maybe she can help now. You could try telling her these things:

I'm cutting.
I'm thinking about suicide.
I'm constantly overeating.
I'm out of control, my parents aren't taking me seriously, and I need help.

Maybe she couldn't help you in the past because she didn't know you were feeling these things? You could talk to her about it, how you felt better for a while but then bottomed out, and if you could work to make it different this time.

Telling her about it means that she'll help you talk to your parents. They'll take a shrink seriously. Maybe in the end you should see someone different. For right now, it might be easier to get back in touch with her.

Also, I notice I get angry quick and easily. I've read that anger tends to mask shame. In my case, I realize it has. Do you feel shame?

If I've misunderstood, please forgive me. But don't give up. My parents were rubbish when it came to admitting their progeny may be mentally ill. That just means I've had to depend on myself.

[Narwhal33]

The best thing you can do is get help from a real mental health expert. Sometimes you have to try more than one counselor before you find the right one. But you clearly show many symptoms of serious depression, and if your parents won't take you seriously, you can find help on your own. Your hospital can refer you to a local clinic, or you can call prevention/support hotlines to be redirected. I've struggled with depression for a long time, and it wasn't something I could fix on my own. Reaching out and seeing a counselor was the best decision I ever made.

hi gnomy

first im so sorry you are struggling and you won't get any cliche's from me.

it sounds like your stressors all lie within your household, feeling closed in sure can be a factor in how you are feeling at the moment.

one thing i thought of may help you, i don't know, but have you tried writing out how you are feeling and then giving that to someone you trust that could possibly help you?

You asked about the rocking back and forth, actually that is a comforting gesture ...let me explain, when we were young, just babies, our mothers (most of them anyway) rock us back and forth to sooth us, put us to sleep, therefore that rocking motion becomes a comfort to us.

In fact my Therapist suggests rocking back and forth when im anxious or overwhelmed!

I hope you get some relief soon as it sounds like you could really use it right now.

hugs and if you need to talk , we are always here for you.

[gnomy476]

Yes, I do feel ashamed whenever I'm angry and say the wrong things. It's like a vicious cycle. Anger-Crying-Depression-Shame-Anxious- and it goes around and around. And my therapist knew I was cutting myself. I told her. But I made her promise not to tell my parents because...my parents aren't acceptable of it. They're too religious and they think whoever cuts themselves is crazy and should be locked up in a mental ward. And whenever I tell them how I'm feeling, they say that "I need Jesus in my heart" and that I need to pray and it's my lack of devotion to religion that's making me feel "empty" and "depressed." I don't really trust them...and it's just getting worse.

[gnomy476]

My mother doesn't want me to rock back and forth because according to her, that's what "mentally retarded" people do. So whenever I'm around her, I have to be careful because she truly does not want to see me doing that action.

[Open Eyes]

((((gnomy476)))),

Yes, I can see you ARE struggling and YOU DO NEED HELP WITH THIS. Your parents responding with this "get the faith" will fix you is GARBAGE. And to be honest, often people who practice faith that way ARE FILLING BIG HOLES IN THEMSELVES THAT THEY CANT FIX. To me, what your parents are saying is "I don't know how to fix you or myself so lets just pray". And it is obvious that your parents don't nurture you either and that is what you really need, probably have for a very long time. And my bet is that is where all this anger comes from. And by the way, please don't harm your pets because they are only innocent and certainly do not deserve that.

You definitely need someone who can help you with this and even mentor you as well.
I don't know why you wont go talk to your school councelor because they are trained to help students like you to get the help and therapy they need. You are not the only student that experiences this you know. And that is exactly why these councelors have that job. And if you do go to see your councelor, that councelor can help you make your parents understand that "just praying" is not going to fix your problems.

You are not going crazy, but you are stressed about this and that is feeding into being depressed. You need to see a therapist that can help you learn where this is coming from and my guess, lack of proper nurturing.

You have to speak up for yourself and if your parents not listening, FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL.

(((((Gentle warm hugs)))
Open Eyes

[deathbare]

did u try asking for a proper diagnosis and meds? (probably dumb question, but you should cover all the bases) hope things get better for you... i sometimes feel similar and i know how much some of those emotions hurt... and yeah, cutting and suicidal thoughts suck... when that happens, i find distracting yourself with something easy and small (like opening and closing a Zippo) helps take my mind off those kinds of things...