[esman]

So i live with my dad and i have a 32 year old sister (im 20) and she has a son. When she comes with my nephew over she takes my stuff and my nephew has broken numerous things like my tv, my xbox, my computer, and she will take stuff from my room and not give it back when i ask her to please stop. shes the oldest and a bully. I Cant do anything about it because my dad lets her in the house and doesnt keep an eye on things. She is a bully to him too.

I have asked my dad to please stop letting her mess up my stuff and he agrees until she shows up and he doesnt do anything about it. im going to be honest im scarred of her. shes not dangerous but intimidating.

Well today we were going to go on a trip and she insisted on bringing my only comforter to use at the beach and i told her no and she blew up and told me i cant go, my mom supported that and they left without me. Now im very distraught and just so upset, i feel like im backed up into a corner and i have nowhere to go and i cant deal with my anger i feel like im out of control and i cant stop hysterically crying. im so upset that my mom went along with it and my dad wont stop her from coming in and i just have nowhere to go. I cant deal with it. what do i do?

[Leed]

I think this sucks! I can relate cause I had an older sister that used to bully me, and torment me for YEARS when I was a kid -- and now even as an adult, she keeps trying to but I refuse to let her anymore. As a result, I can't stand her. It's a shame, but that's what she's done to the relationship.

Like you, I tried talking to my parents about her but they didn't even believe me! Since she had been "sickly" as a baby (she was fine then) they pampered her. I had 2 other sisters, but she focused on me and tormented me constantly.

All I can suggest is that you move out -- then you don't have to let her even come IN to your place if you don't want to. Like I said, I think it's rotten that she does this, and she SHOULD respect your things!!! She should take NO for an answer too! Obviously she doesn't know what the word means. Setting boundaries won't work for this woman -- she'd just break them down.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[IceCreamKid]

Not knowing more of the situation than you have told us here, I offer this as conditional advice. Your parents' relationship with your sister and the way they deal with her and her son is unlikely to change. Is it possible for you to move out?

[Open Eyes]

((((Leed I can so relate, me too)))))

I have been working on this myself and the truth is that even within families, one member will insist on being like a pack leader and once that is truely established, nothing else matters. You are in a situation where your older sister has that position and your parents allow her to be this pack leader and even though they consider your rights, as soon as she is around, they will continue to fall into their rolls under her established pack leader role.

Everyone is right about the best thing for you to do is make it a goal to get away from this and believe me, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE. So what many here label as TOXIC people has to also, unfortunately be your truth as well.

You are going to have to make sure that when you DO break away that you don't carry a sense of low self esteem because of this. This is NOT your fault and it doesn't mean you truely have NO VALUE as a person. But this sister will NEVER give up this power to you or anyone else.

And the one we all should feel sorry for is her child, because that child will not truely get what it needs to become a healthy independant person, this mother will not allow ANYONE to take away ANY KIND OF POWER.

I am sorry that you are going through this, it is not a nice experience at all, believe me I have been there and am still in ways dealing with it and it is NOT pleasent at all.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[esman]

So (im the poster) so i think you are all correct. nobody is going to change. I should know that by now. I dont do very well on my own thats why i live with my dad, i cant do stuff alone. I cant even go to the store, which is nuts i know. My mom abandoned me when i was 10 and my dad was a absent but there kind of dad. So im not sure why but I cant seem to grow up! i just want to go live on my own and not deal with this stuff but i cant seem to be successful, I tried once and I just really dont like being alone at all not even for an hour. So im stuck! I cant get myself out of this behavior!

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by esman

So (im the poster) so i think you are all correct. nobody is going to change. I should know that by now. I dont do very well on my own thats why i live with my dad, i cant do stuff alone. I cant even go to the store, which is nuts i know. My mom abandoned me when i was 10 and my dad was a absent but there kind of dad. So im not sure why but I cant seem to grow up! i just want to go live on my own and not deal with this stuff but i cant seem to be successful, I tried once and I just really dont like being alone at all not even for an hour. So im stuck! I cant get myself out of this behavior!

Do you receive any sort of counseling? It could be that you could learn how to live successfully on your own. I hope some others will offer you some advice on how to go about getting this sort of counseling. Meanwhile courage! You deserve to be treated decently.

I have been working on this myself and the truth is that even within families, one member will insist on being like a pack leader and once that is truely established, nothing else matters. You are in a situation where your older sister has that position and your parents allow her to be this pack leader and even though they consider your rights, as soon as she is around, they will continue to fall into their rolls under her established pack leader role.

First, hugs to you, esman. You are not alone and I wish you all the best. I hope you will continue to come here for support and encouragement.

I experienced almost the same thing...I can relate on many levels. And as a result, I had very little self-esteem, no identity and was totally invalidated by them and humiliated. I felt STUCK, as well, in very toxic family dynamics.

I truly hope that you will find a T/P to help give you the tools to realize how valuable and wonderful you truly are! ((((Icecreamkid)))) is correct, you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and to feel heard and validated.

((((Open Eyes)))) a page right out of the book of my life (thank you for sharing).

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, the only real answer to this, is to find a way to live alone. I know how scary that can be. I would suggest counseling to talk about your fears and ways to cope; things to do, etc....to be alone........that is a better choice than living with abuse and disrespect.

Use all of the resources you can. Can you find a roommate? That would be ideal. Can you right now go and stay with a friend?

One good resource is a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Take your power back and do what you need to to remove yourself from that toxic environment and begin with counseling is what I would do.

[-jimi-]

I don't know the situation where you are, but in my neck of the world, a person like that could probably get disability and move into a group home if they are unable to take care of themselves.

[Coraline]

I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation. I've been bullied and I understand the feelings of powerlessness, injustice, anger and frustration, as well as the betrayal of other people doing nothing or even actually supporting the bully.

I agree with others that therapy is often the most helpful thing, especially if you're vulnerable because you're not ready to move out yet.

What do you think you can do in the situation now? Can you get a lock put on your bedroom door (one your sister can't break) and lock your things in there when she comes round? Can you leave the house while she's there?

There's a website it might help to read, to know you're not alone and it's not your fault. It also has links to other resources:
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm

I really think you need real life support, though. You shouldn't have to do this on your own. Do you know where to find about what therapy's available to you?

[SkyBlueCure]

Originally Posted by esman

So i live with my dad and i have a 32 year old sister (im 20) and she has a son. When she comes with my nephew over she takes my stuff and my nephew has broken numerous things like my tv, my xbox, my computer, and she will take stuff from my room and not give it back when i ask her to please stop. shes the oldest and a bully. I Cant do anything about it because my dad lets her in the house and doesnt keep an eye on things. She is a bully to him too.

I have asked my dad to please stop letting her mess up my stuff and he agrees until she shows up and he doesnt do anything about it. im going to be honest im scarred of her. shes not dangerous but intimidating.

Well today we were going to go on a trip and she insisted on bringing my only comforter to use at the beach and i told her no and she blew up and told me i cant go, my mom supported that and they left without me. Now im very distraught and just so upset, i feel like im backed up into a corner and i have nowhere to go and i cant deal with my anger i feel like im out of control and i cant stop hysterically crying. im so upset that my mom went along with it and my dad wont stop her from coming in and i just have nowhere to go. I cant deal with it. what do i do?

Hi!

Yeah, I read the thread and I am sympathetic to your situation
The first thing is, that you can free yourself from your unhappy reactions without anything changing about the real situation - it's obvious.

You are hooking yourself into being emotionally manipulated by the situation. You don't need to make yourslef feel upset and distraught because they left without you. You can say to yourself "Boy! Am I happy they left without me! I am saved a whole day of being bullied by my neurotic poisonous sister, now I can go read a book or watch TV in peace."
Do you understand what I'm getting at? You can change how you feel, you can break the manipulative strings they have on you.
Accept that your mom will go along with the bulling , bank on it - then you won't feel upset about it and you will act realistically to deal with it when you can. You can't change them, you can't get blood from a stone, but you can change yourself and how you react to them. And when they see you more confident and find they are unable to manipulate you to make you feel upset, they may actually get scared of you and back off.

Coraline's advice is the same I would give IE

What do you think you can do in the situation now? Can you get a lock put on your bedroom door (one your sister can't break) and lock your things in there when she comes round? Can you leave the house while she's there?

To as to that, try to hide your really valuable things or store them with a friend.
..
Probably you are hooked somehow and stay out of some sense of guilt and or obligation? Free yourself! Walk away, go to the library for the day, and not care. Your sister likes to see you jerk when she yanks your chain - it makes her feel empowered. Don't dance for her, don't react. Just protect your stuff and shun her.

[Mayflower7]

HI ESMAN,
Bullying is a terrible experience to go though, maybe could seek out some local support groups for help etc. counselling as well may be helpful, if you felt wanted to try that route. I agree, a lock on your bedroom door to keep your things safe. Not right they are removed/ damaged as causing Obvious distress.
Maybe could try talking to your mum about how your feeling, and how your sister's BEHAVIOUR affects you. Could your dad try talking to your mum and working it out together as a family. It can damage self confidence, so a possibly is trying new hobbies/ interests to gain more confidence and independence.
Take care
Kate.