So angry at indiscretion, but no where to put the anger??

I'm am really very angry at my boyfriends recents indiscretion. It had to do with lying to me about drug use. I have serious past issues with drug use and my ex-husband. My boyfriend say he was just experimenting, but he lied, snuck around behind my back, and basically lost my trust. We have been trying to work it out, but I find myself feeling very angry. I'm really upset that he put me in this position. He says it's easy to fix because all he has to do is not lie to me or do things like he did and that will be very easy for him.

Hearing that tho, I dunno, it really upset me. I feel so angry that it's just so easy for him to "fix" this. But I'm the one who has to try to open my heart to him again, and trust him. I'm the one who gets to feel anxious, unsure, hurt, ugh long list. I can't just keep directing my anger at him, I agreed to work on our relationship as well. I can't direct it at myself. I don't know where the anger is supposed to go.

As a child I wasn't allowed to be angry or express it, now I feel kind of stuck. I want the anger to go away, I'm sure that will take time. But what do you do with it in the mean time. I want a healthy way to deal with it, I don't want to end up resenting him and not being able to move past this. I guess I'm just really unsure how to process it. Any ideas ?

I wish I had a god solution for your situation, but I don't. It sounds very difficult to me. Sending you many blessings to partially return those you have given me.

He's being pretty "cavalier' about this. It seems that it's no big deal to him! I wonder how he'd feel if YOU had told him a pack of lies? Wouldn't he be a bit upset and untrusting? Wouldn't HE be madder than @#$$? Sure he would! They never think about putting the shoe on the other foot.

He's got a lot of work to do in earning your trust back. Whether or not he does it is another story.

As far as getting the anger out, what I've done is write a letter with every single thing I feel -- all the emotions & pain that I feel go into that letter. But-- I don't mail it or give it to the person. I either burn it or throw it away. It sure helps! I just did it recently -- I wrote a letter to my oldest sister, as she has tormented me all my life! But she'll never get that letter. I felt SO much better -- i should have done it years ago.

I wish you the very best! I hope things work out for you two. God bless. Hugs, Lee

You don't "put" the anger anywhere; your boyfriend lied to you. I'm glad he feels it is easy for him to quit lying but he doesn't get to make the rules for you. You get to say, "You lied to me and tried to hide it, if I catch you sneaking around for any reason OR lying to me again, I'm leaving". You have to direct the anger, figure out what it is telling you (that you do not like being messed with in that fashion) and what you are going to do about it so you do not have it in your life anymore. Working on it means you both have to keep the communication lines open; he has to take an interest in letting you know where he's going, with whom, doing what and take an interest in your activities. I'm not saying "control" or approve or anything like that but true partners enjoy making sure everything is running smoothly between them (the opposite of "sneaking around") and keeping the other person informed about how they're feeling and what is going on in their life. No more, "It's good!" one or two word responses when you ask how he is or what he's been up to, etc. Not so easy as he assumes.

Anika, I was raised the same way. I find when "Anger" is too much for me, a good long walk sets me free. He did wrong and you whould be angry, but "anger" should not own you. By walking, I find I can see other things and feel more than just the anger. I hope it helps.

As a child I wasn't allowed to be angry or express it, now I feel kind of stuck. I want the anger to go away, I'm sure that will take time. But what do you do with it in the mean time. I want a healthy way to deal with it, I don't want to end up resenting him and not being able to move past this. I guess I'm just really unsure how to process it. Any ideas ?

Ugh totally relate. I grew up in a similar type of environment and am just now learning how to identify, manage, deal with anger feelings (I had all sorts of ways to stuff it, hide it, mask it, run away from it, etc which didn't help me - even a little. or it was just a band-aid, so later on, the feelings would seep out any way).

I am not sure of your living situation or the depth of your relationship; however, this type of "indiscretion", especially with his cavalier attitude, would be (for me) terms for a separation (break, etc).

During that time, perhaps a little distance between you would help you to work through your feelings (organize, identify, write, talk to your T etc), and for him, a chance to think about things a bit.

I suspect you've expressed your boundaries before, non? And he acted out - again?
And he is fully aware that you are struggling with certain issues. Perhaps he just wasn't listening.

It's so important for him to see first hand (after trying) that you are serious about your feelings, & these actions were not acceptable to you and you weren't just giving lip service. Especially when he doesn't seem to really "get it".

I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to come to a resolution. You are so supportive, lovely and helpful in your posts.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hello Anika! I am sorry you are in this spot, but appreciate you sharing it. I think your anger is totally appropriate for the situation. There are a couple of things here that concern me. First, I'm assuming your boyfriend knows about your past issues with drug use and your ex-husband. If he knows that you have had these issues, it seems to me a big red flag that he would put you in the same situation. If I know my wife (or even friends for that matter) have certain areas where they have had struggles I do my best to be sensitive about it. I think it is just being thoughtful, which it sounds like he is not really being throughout this whole situation.

It also concerns me that he says it is easy to fix. That makes me think that he is only thinking of things from his own perspective. He doesn't seem to get that earning back trust after lying is not an easy thing to fix. Lying in a relationship is a serious problem! I think I disagree with your statement "I can't keep directing my anger at him". I am not expert on anger, and don't always handle it well myself, but I do think I have some understanding here. I'm not sure who else you would direct the anger at, it belongs towards him at least in part (and probably entirely). And you also said, "I agreed to work on the relationship as well". I think sometimes expressing what you are angry about (probably in a similar way to what you wrote here) is working on the relationship. I think in order for relationships to work well you need to be able to express when you are angry with each other.

I'm not sure if that is helpful to you, but mostly I want you to know that what you are feeling is appropriate to what has happened. If you feel that there is a part of your reaction that is triggering other things not related to your boyfriend (ex-husband stuff, childhood repression of anger stuff) then maybe try to work that part out with your therapist? As someone else said, I don't know how serious your relationship is or how long you have been together etc... But i feel that if a relationship is going to work out ultimately you will need to be able to "fight" in a fair and direct way. I do hope you are able to work all of this out Anika! And if you ever want to talk more I'm always happy to listen.

Take care of yourself, and I hope to hear more about how you are doing with this!