[Mindinpieces]

Just me writing aloud my thoughts and feelings, getting them out really. I have hit rock bottom or so it seems. I am at the point of personal despair and self-hatred. It’s doesn’t matter what I do or how I go about things from now on because I know my reality, I know the type of person I am and that’s not a very nice nor good person to be. Even so there is no chance for me to change or ever be anything other than this. For myself personally this is just how things are. To keep trying to go through therapy just makes things worse and each time for myself I just hit back to reality harder with more pain each time I try to better this or think no maybe I can be different or work through this. But I can’t stop my existence or end it …. This I don’t understand. Maybe I am scared of the one thing that would correct this even though this is considered a bad thing. I am scared of a failed attempt at this, surely it would be better to in some sense move pass this from this point and feelings then to have done something and then have to face people and go through this all again with added things to back up the self hatred and negative impact I have on myself and others. Maybe because I want some form of a life but that seems like such a dream and fair tail for myself. There is no way I will ever change the way in which I see the world and other people. There is no way anyone or things would ever make me happy. Nothing can ever heal or comfort me and it hurts too much in trying to care for or be cared by people…. It hurts even more when reality bites you back and they (those who try to care) can’t deal with you because you’re just a hopeless and disgusting waste of existence and a joke of a human being. Why do I still keep living, what purpose I am I living for…. I guess it’s just fear of what would or wouldn’t happen if I ending living. I am sorry maybe, I don’t really know but I am dwelling in my thoughts and feeling that are the only thing that feel right and real for myself even if they are so wrong to anyone else.

[Big Mama]

Hey. Sorry things are tough for you. Seeing a T is hard. Why would talking and thinking be hard. What a crazy notion. It is hard though. For several weeks after seeing my T I'm very stressed. I wonder if I need a higher dosage of meds. But after a while things so go back to the weird form of normal as I know it and am used to eventhough it may not be what someone else would call normal.

Continue to feel free to vent here. I do it way to often and probobobly lead folks to believe I'm really off my rocker. It helps me alot to dump all my stuff somewhere. Just to think what I think and have it come out in an organized (Simi organized) manner. To feel it as I write it and not be afraid someone else will judge me is a relief.
It seems I can only begin to make since of things if I write them. It's all so jumbled in my mind. Often I have one of those light bulb moments. I do have ADD so it may very well be jumbled and all mixed up. Or maybe thats just the way I am who knows.
Once I start writing it all flows out things I didn't know were an issue that obviously are. For myself I have learned when it flows, GO WITH THE FLOW. Dump it all, every bit of it. If you leave it here it's not all yours anymore. Just having the burden lessoned helps alot. Thats just me though. I'm weird in my own special way that works for me.

This is a safe place to be heard, to dump, to ask for help, to cryout, anything you need just let someone here know.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Mindinpieces --

I want to be reassuring, but the fact is that anyone can come here to vent -- a cannibal, a child molester, a mass murderer. Still, I suspect that you are none of these things and just feeling emotionally raw.

Sometimes the only way to get past things in our lives is to go through them. Allow yourself to feel your emotions; it's kind of like to turning into the direction your car is heading if you skid on the ice. It doesn't make any kind of sense to turn into the skid, and everything in us wants to resist, yet it is the best strategy.

Sometime on this journey of life I learned that the way I can appreciate good times and joy is by being open to the darkness and pain as well. The Sufis call this being in the garden or being in the fire. Both types of feelings are part of what makes us human, and we are less human if we only want to experience one side of life.

I hope things get better for you.

[Mindinpieces]

Thank you both for your reply’s.

It's still seems that one way or another things are short lived for myself or they never really were going right or good. It always seems I was just being delusional to the truth or how I am in life or towards other people and it's always me that's wrong and unacceptable or causing upset, annoyance to others in direct or indirect ways. However I never attend for this to happen but it's just naturally how and what I am like. It seems silly for me to ever consider in even trying to live through this I would ever be a person like you consider other or how I would have like to be like by now or even if possible how I would like to be like once I have grown up from this stage and time in my life. I think mainly my problem is I consider I could take this emotional pain and feelings and how it physically makes me feel but really I can take this or accept feeling like this. However I am scared and don't want to complete do what would stop this, I always thought that was the answer my only option. Part of me feels guilty and bad for not doing this like I am dodging my punishment so to speak. Even though no one should have to do that or feel like this is the only option. I am still being as weak and horrible in not doing this as I am in still living. Please don’t think I don’t know just how horrible and wrong I am as a person but even so that’s not enough it never is. I don’t know what or how to correct myself or life to ever be acceptable or just a person who allowed to live and have some form of a life in the way they would like.