I so hate myself
I hate being me.
I have just ripped my arm.
I deserved it.
I can't stop crying, I hate this pain, I hate suffering.
It is no wonder everyone hates me, I am depressing.

If I could have one thing in life now it would be to with mom

[lynn P.]

((Tinkerbell)) - I'm so sorry you're in over whelming pain. I think you may need some in-patient time to get stable. Do you have a therapist to talk to? You're dealing with your pain but also the grieving. I've heard many times some depression can be anger turned inward and I think self injury is anger. I think it would help to get in touch with this anger in a controlled way...with a therpist.

When I was in the midst of my marriage problem......getting contructively angry actually saved me. I had 2 choices - to let them destroy me or survive and get a little mad. I know some who are suicidal want the pain to end and that's why they want to die. You mom lived her life but you're not done yet.

Abuse victims usually have a hard time finding their inner strength. Right now you're in the narrow tunnel and can only see one way out....but death isn't the solution. You have things to do and you must go on with your life. I want you to find some peace. Sorry if I've analyzed this too much but I've learned a lot from the bad things I've gone through. I don't know if this would help - can you put all this aside and take it one day at a time. Imagine putting all your pain in a locked box and only let it out when you see your therapist. Deal with life moment by moment - not the past or the future.

[beauflow]

Tinkerbell



Please know many of us on PC, like you, care about you wonderful Tinkerbell has been threw so much this year....

I too am sorry for all the pain that you have been threw...

some times, time-- time does do wonders some time.. I know that some times, time seems so slow, but it does pass even if we think it is going slow or stopping in the midst of what we are going threw....

[Leed]

Tinkerbell ~ Sweetie, my heart hurts because YOU hurt. Lynn is right. You're grieving -- and grieving can take a long time. Of COURSE you want your Mom. She left too soon. When we lose our Mom's, it feels like we're an orphan! At least that's how I feel now that my Mom is gone. My mom died in 2003, and I miss her so much. I can always think of a thousand and one things I want to tell or ask her. But she's not here.

Hurting yourself isn't the answer honey. Grieving is. Perhaps talking to a grief counselor would help -- maybe? You can get in touch with one thru Hospice. It doesn't matter if you've used their services or not -- they'll talk with you. They were wonderful for me and helped immensely! They followed me for a year afterwards too!!!

And remember -- suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem! Your mom would be very unhappy if you did that. She wants you to carry on where she couldn't. She wants you to try to have a good and fulfilling life -- and you can with help!! YOu know we ALL care for you sweetie. God bless you . Hugs, Lee

Thank you

I see my therapist tomorrow, I am fed up feeling like this, My T faxed my GP last week when I told her how I was feeling, GP hasn't called though, See I ain't worth it?

I know that I am still grieving, Just an hour a go I was told that my brothers wife's sister has died too she was only in her 30's, I used to be close to her, Why is life so cruel?

I even spoke to my Pdoc the other day, He couldn't care either. I am nothing.
Honestly, I am worth this pain believe me

[Leed]

Honey you are NOT WORTH this pain! In the year 2001, my grandbaby died, my husband died, and my mother in law died all in the span of 6 months. I thought I'd lose my mind. My mother in law's death could be seen coming as she was advanced in age.

But I had just married my husband less than a year before!!! He died 12 days before our first anniversary!!! I was a basket case

My daughter's baby died, and my daughter was in the hospital fighting for her life. I had to arrange the baby's funeral and pick out the casket!!! Nothing is worse than choosing a casket for a baby.

The pain in those 6 months was enough to almost put me over the edge. I wasn't going to kill myself, but I was sure I'd go insane and never come back from it. I was really afraid. I couldn't go to a therapist cause I had to take care of my other grranddaughter at the height of the problems.
I've never felt such emotional and mental pain in my life.

I know what you're feeling now Tinker. It's not just about the death of your friend. It's other things too. I know. But this death just added to it.

You know we're here for you. You KNOW there are people here who have gone thru similar things and have made it thru. We know that you can too. Just keep posting your feelings and fears and hopes here, and we'll listen. We're here. Hugs, Lee

[dailyhealing]

Hi Tinkerbell, I'm so very sorry you are hurting so badly. I would recommend that you consider some kind of in-patient treatment. Especially considering that you are hurting yourself. You don't deserve this pain, but yet you have it. It's not your fault Tink. Please know that you are loved and cared for by so many here and I trust in your real life also.

I'm glad you are sharing this here, and really hope that you are able to get some help from your T tomorrow. Please take care of yourself, I care about you very much and you deserve to be loved and comforted.

[whatbeanbelieved]

We love you Tinkerbell. *HUGS* And those who leave you aren't REALLY gone, because they live inside you - you know this. And they love you. You are loved.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell.

Thank you

I see my therapist tomorrow, I am fed up feeling like this, My T faxed my GP last week when I told her how I was feeling, GP hasn't called though, See I ain't worth it?

I know that I am still grieving, Just an hour a go I was told that my brothers wife's sister has died too she was only in her 30's, I used to be close to her, Why is life so cruel?

I even spoke to my Pdoc the other day, He couldn't care either. I am nothing.
Honestly, I am worth this pain believe me

((Tinkerbell)) - so sorry to hear about your SIL's sister passing. Yes it hurts and challenges our faith when loved ones die, especially when they're taken so young. I'll tell you a bit about myself so you can understand how thinking can change. My dad died from cancer when I was 2, leaving 5 kids(I was the youngest). I ended up being too attached to my mother, so when she has a major stroke when I was 27, I felt like I wanted to die....in fact I prayed to trade places. She survived, ended up being disabled for 8 yrs. I mourned my healthy mom even though she was still alive. I grew as a person and when she passed I ended up being okay. Since then I also lost 2 brothers in the last 6 yrs.

Leed has also had/been through a great deal of pain and this has given us wisdom, that we can pass onto you. People wonder why would God let a baby die - no one can answer that. The unfortunate part of life is, death happens and yes it hurts. The circle of life is, we're born, live, learn and then its our time. I lost my brother to suicide - surprisingly I learned and grew from that too. What I'm trying to say is, growth can come out of bad experiences as long as we don't let it destroy us. We all have pain during our lives.

There are times when I wish someone could feel my pain and care about me. I've had to be my own pillar and I did that by tapping into my survival mode, plus I got constructively angry. I told myself I deserve to live and survive. I usually don't go on about myself, but I'm hoping something will click in you....a lightbulb moment. You may think no one cares but we genuinely do. I understand when life deals a hard blow, its hard to see the light, but I hope you'll find that glimmer inside you.

[emotionally_drained]

hugs tinkerbell dont hate your self i know easier said than done i feel same way but it makes us more depressed xxxx

[jelly-bean]

((((((HUGS))))) Oh Tinkerbelle..... I hate seeing you in so much pain. I know that the grief must seem intolerable but you will get through. You should see if you can get inpatient counseling since you are hurting yourself. I'm pretty sure your Mom would not want you to grieve in that way. To lose your sister-in-law as well makes it so much worse. Please tell your therapist everything so that you can get the help you need. We ALL care about you sweetie! Let us know how you are tomorrow!