[jeneveve]

I have trouble being assertive about my feelings and setting boundaries. I just let people take advantage and try to please them. Resentment builds. After reaching the point where I have had enough, I try to express my thoughts calmly and they don't listen, interrupt me or make excuses for why the treat me a certain way.

Then I explode. Anger and rage comes out. I yell and say all kinds of things, some of which I meant to say (calmly, but didn't) and other things that are not what I intended (mean stuff).

When it is all over, I am at fault for losing control. I hate becoming the focus of the problem when they were at fault in the first place for not treating me respectfully. The message that I wanted to express gets lost and can't be heard. So nothing changes in the relationship in regards to what I wanted in the first place.

Are there any suggestions for how to have difficult conversations and stay calm even when I don't get the reaction I want?

First thing I would suggest is to try to establish a pattern of behavior that will prevent most of that from becoming an issue.
What I mean is, try not to let people take advantage and disrespect your boundaries and feelings. That way you won't have this resentment building and you won't have to straighten things out after so much resentment has built up over being pushed around and taken advantage of.
It will be hard at first but it's easier and much more effective in the long run.
It sounds like right now you have this repeating pattern going on that these people (and you) are used to as being the norm. Try to change that. Good luck

[Leed]

I understand what you're saying. This happens in my HOME with my daughter. I try to set boundaries, and stop the using and taking advantange -- but it doesn't work! I'm just not heard!!! I can't change the other person -- the only person I can change is ME. But the trouble is, if I continue to speak softly and calmly like I HAVE been, I just don't get heard -- experience has shown me that. So I HAVE to raise my voice in order to be heard -- and that in turn starts an argument because SHE has a short fuse!!! So nothing gets accomplished. I ask her NOT to yell & scream, but that does no good. So we're right back where we started. And the big problem is she LIVES with me.

It's an impossible situation -- and one that I can't figure out. Nothing works, so .....................

[Open Eyes]

Well, first of all, you are never going to "please" everyone. It sounds like you are trying to do that and a lot of people genuinely "struggle" with that and it doesn't mean you are a bad person if you stand your ground and "limit" your desire to make "everyone happy" around you. That comes from your childhood really because children want to please and be liked and if they are the youngest or low on the ladder somehow they often get the blame for everyone else's issues.

You have to pay attention to how you may set yourself up for that kind of treatment. We all tend to do that in ways we just don't realize. And you could just be dealing with people that will simply "blame" the first person they can for their own shortcommings.

I deal with this a lot as my husband has a tendency to "blame" me if something of his is misplaced. He will consistantly send out messages that it must be "me" who moved whatever it is and not him just misplacing it. And in the end he finally finds it and it is still my fault because I "let it bother" me that he behaved so badly. Ugh.

The "good news" is that you are recognizing this pattern and that you seem to end up in a very "angry" state that you struggle to control. So you have to learn to back track and see how you engage in the very beginning of this negetive experience, which you are trying to point out here.

You have to begin by how you first try to "please" others. Pay attention to how you can unknowingly send messages that tell them you are "vulnerable" and that they "can" dump on you if they need to dump on someone. Unfortunately it is often the "nicest" people that get dumped on. So I am not saying "not" to be nice but to make sure you first think about "yourself" and understand that you can never "control" the overall "happiness of others" and make sure you do your best to realize that you are simply not going to gain respect from certain people no matter what you do. Understand "their issues" not yours up front and make your mind up that when you are invited into their game, just stop playing and walk away.

You are just a human being and some of this "mind game stuff" is just a part of how humans interact overall. And if you don't believe me just start paying attention to this election we have going on, it is truely "full" of the blame game crap.

The one person in all of this that has to make a change is "you" and that is helping yourself know when to stop it from starting to begin with. This can be more of a challenge when you are around other people that have a lot of practice pushing your buttons. I am challenged this way too, and it "is" hard work to learn to "stop" your own part in some bad habits that have gone on for a long time with others that know you.

((Leed)),

Oh I can soo relate, your daughter really knows how to push your buttons, after all you raised her. And a very smart person told me a long time ago, our children use us to test what works and what doesn't, so we truely are put to the test. And our tone of voice is not all we need to change either. Yes, you have to pay attention, see the challenges before they happen and stop it before it comes on. Not an easy task either. And the other challege with our own children is the do tend to use what we taught them so we can be fighting a "mirror" of ourselves. Ugh.

Open Eyes

Hi Jeneveve, I can relate It is really hard for me to assert myself. It has been difficult to change the pattern, but the happy news is that it can be done. It just takes practice. Lots (and lots) of practice

At first, asserting myself (so as to create boundaries) was super uncomfortable. Miserable really. Speaking up over the smallest thing seemed like a huge task: it felt very unnatural, and I felt very awkward after (and like I was a bad person) Over time, though, it has become easier. I still experience challenges, it is so much better!

When I first started new communication, I would speak with a mix of anger/frustration but in a request format. Sort of passive-aggressive (even worse, if it was in person, the request would accompanied by the “look”. Meh.) People were not really taking kindly to it, but I was trying really hard. And I apologized later if I seemed "too" much. I caught myself and kept working on it.

The people around me (especially the people who are natural “takers” and who don’t think twice, were completely confused and a little angry that I was not being their doormat any longer, too. Which was a big challenge).

But with the help of T, I also realized, that that attitude was about them, and we would either get over the hump. Or not. Their choice. I already had a plan

I am still working on it, too! I haven’t quite gotten it down, but now, I don’t wait until the situation is unbearable (grin and bear it until I freak out) or I am deeply offended (and react) or so angry I am in tears.

(I am lucky too because I get to practice with my co-workers, some of which are total steamrollers, and the complete antithesis to my people-pleasing personality.

One guy, who is a totally amazing artist and a moody, a-hole with a heart of gold, I sort of thought of him like a brother (I have known him for ages but not well). I asked him (about something), "what do I do?" and he said "just say no" (with a look on his face like he couldn't believe I just said THAT). And I quickly responded (with a squinty face like I just smelled something bad) "really? that sounds so...harsh." I swear to you, at first, he looked at me like I had two heads ) After a while I stopped asking him for guidance and even started asserting myself with him, too. We went for a couple of days without speaking and now things have smoothed over.

The bottom line is that it takes practice and belief in yourself (that you feel deep in your core that you are OK. Just as OK as anyone else) and then start giving it a go!

You can do it