[MikeDelta]

So i am always the happy one or whatever. But somethings set me off. Set me off bad. I have no idea how to stop it or prevent it in the first place. I am exhausted after nearly blowing up at work today among other things.
I didnt go to bed till nearly 12am and had to be ready to go at 0500 for some heavy work. I do my best at false motivation its better than none after all. After coming to the conclusion my mother hates my guts i had people talkiing to me all night who are my friends or my sister to make sure i was okay. I did my best this morning was laughing and not doing terrible. I screwed up on some stuff but it wasn't a big deal just misdirection by those incharge. Then i got asked to something i didnt know how to do and i had to be somewhere else for a different tasks. When i explain i didnt know how to do the task and waited my turn, my boss basically said in a negative tone of voice that i was "having an attitude" and if i continued to do so he would punish me. He had ridiculed me earlier because i was taking a break and apparenty he thought i wasnt working hard enough. Then out of nowhere like usual an overemotional wave of rage, anxiety, fear, frustration and upsetness surged up in me, like i can feel it, i get super warm and tense. Like I can barely control it, i start holding the tears back in my eyes and i get flustered. My eyes get bloodshot and i either want to get away or just start yelling at that person. It wears me out I get super emotional and hate myself with beliefs that they dont care about me and dont want me around so i should just leave, i now have a headache and am tired. Im still mad and want nothing to do with my boss. No one at work knows about my emotional/family problems they only know that i saw a consulor. I do a lot at work and on my own time and to me it came across as "You are stupid and Useless to me, you do nothing helpful".. Its not the first time this has happened. It has happened multiple times in different places and different people, sometimes i can control the tears sometimes not. Its so frustrating because later i feel like a idiot for "overreacting".... Something about that tone of voice sets me off. I dont know. Can anybody relate? like what should i work on to control this?

[lynn P.]

((MikeDelta)) - sorry you're struggling with this. Have you spoke to your doctor or have a therapist? I read your 1st post here and often our emotions are related to deeper issues, like how we were brought up. When you're in this rage, what's the worst that would happen - is it tears or is there are chance you yell or physical? In your other thread you mentioned a drinking problem and unhappy parents. Often in cases like this, the child ends up stifling their emotions. It might be the boss reminds you of your mother, in respect to the criticism.

Not sleeping enough can make us less able to handle our emotions, so fixing this would be a good start. Healthy eating and exercise also helps with stress. Learning how to relax and simple deep breathing also helps. Filtering the negative thoughts is another tool but takes practice. For example, an "attitude" doesn't mean you're stupid or useless. Do you have designated time breaks at work, so you won't run into that misunderstanding? I understand how getting that flustered can be exhausting. If this is related more to you than a personal vendetta from the boss - try not to take it as a personal attack.

[Leed]

Hi Mike ~ I have to agree with Lynn. I think alot of this is due to something else. You mentioned that you knew that your mother "hated you." Well, I know for ME, that would break my heart, and I have a feeling that this is bothering YOU too! Why do you think your mother HATES you?? Where is that coming from? What causes that feeling?

And your boss seems to be on your case ALOT? Why do you think that is happening? Do the two of you not get along BESIDES WORK? Do you ever talk outside of work? Is he decent to you outside of work? Or does he treat you badly then too? Do you know why?

What other things are going bad? You mentioned family troubles. What is going on there Mike. Would you want to talk about that? How can we help you there?

You have ALOT on your plate Mike. And I think you should see a therapist. A good therapist would help you deal with all these problems so you wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. Call your medical doctor and have him refer you to a good therapist -- you won't regret it Mike I promise. I wish you the very best. God bless & please keep us informed as to your progress. Hugs, Lee

[MikeDelta]

Well we had a "discussion" on monday and i basically told my mother how i really felt when after 19 years she decided to see a family therapist and when i had asked and asked and was denied. She said she would olnly be willing to do it if i admitted to my mistakes. And i pretty much asked her what kind of Effing Question was that and that my relationship with her was on thin ice. She hasn't talked to me since. I asked her if she had even set anything up and she said no. She doesnt understand me or listen, i've tried telling her how i feel. Even my consulor was like shes not going to get it. My dad is useless as well. The family drama is hard for me to explain and understand. Both my parents were abused as children. My dad has been living for 40+ years being a 5 yo kid and seeing his wife as his own mother. So i pretty much had no dad even though he was physically there, because i was the oldest i tried "taking" his spot because there was no parent there so psychologically my mind told me it was my job. I clung to my mother but she is also manipulative and it is always about her. Shes self proclaimed to have fixed all her "issues" and has the answers for everyone else. Very hypocritical. I wished they had divorced but they seem happy living in their condelueded mess. She claims that she would have divorced had my sister and i told her issues happening at home but doesnt "blame me". (Yeah my mind doesnt see it any difference). I cant trust eith er of them. My sister is still at home and i feel bad. They also have my dogs who i miss dearly.
When i get into rages usually its crying, and yelling whether its me talking to myself or at the other person. I try to hold it in when in public but its hard especially the crying. If i think i can win i usual start arguing but if not i just start crying and try to get away. I haven't gotten physical with anyone but i do like to throw and kick stuff when im in that mood. We do get a lot of down time but this week espescially today has been stressful and they pretty much up and decided i had to do stuff i wasnt planning on which usually im pretty flexible but i had no idea what i was doing and i hate that. Im semi new employee like 3 months in, and for the most part my boss doesnt bother me he is just super Type A. I talked to a consulor, and im going to try seeing her again next week. Its just so frustrating...

[MikeDelta]

Its even worse when i think someone i care about or look up to (my boss isn't one of these people, im talking like someone whos my mentor) is dissapointed in me. The negative thoughts are ridiculous and i feel so discusted. Or very angry at that person because i care about them

[Leed]

Well, it's obvious you have HUGE issues with your Dad for NOT being the MAN he should have been, thus putting you in that position. You don't respect him, correct? And that kind of embarrasses you because you can't respect him or hold him up to your friends. You probably don't even want to introduce him to your friends, right? And as for your Mom, she evidently made all the rules, and disciplined you kids, Evidently she had a lot of issues (?) but she 'fixed' herself. The issues with your Dad and your Mom surely made both you and your sister have problems of your own, which you didn't know how do deal with, and you had no one to turn to --- so now it's really raising cain with you in your adult lives!!

Mike you didn't have a normal "home'" life so it's hard for you to know how to lead a normal life in your OWN home & marriage. You talk about a counselor, I hope it's a psychiatrist who is licensed to treat patients both medically & psychologically. You do need therapy so I hope you have a good therapist.

Keep us posted on how you're doing Mike. We'll be here. And keep talking. It helps. Hugs, Lee

[MikeDelta]

Originally Posted by Leed

Well, it's obvious you have HUGE issues with your Dad for NOT being the MAN he should have been, thus putting you in that position. You don't respect him, correct? And that kind of embarrasses you because you can't respect him or hold him up to your friends. You probably don't even want to introduce him to your friends, right? And as for your Mom, she evidently made all the rules, and disciplined you kids, Evidently she had a lot of issues (?) but she 'fixed' herself. The issues with your Dad and your Mom surely made both you and your sister have problems of your own, which you didn't know how do deal with, and you had no one to turn to --- so now it's really raising cain with you in your adult lives!!

Mike you didn't have a normal "home'" life so it's hard for you to know how to lead a normal life in your OWN home & marriage. You talk about a counselor, I hope it's a psychiatrist who is licensed to treat patients both medically & psychologically. You do need therapy so I hope you have a good therapist.

Keep us posted on how you're doing Mike. We'll be here. And keep talking. It helps. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee,

I know i've had issues with my dad, Causing a lot of fighting between me and my parents. Now that i moved out i reailzed my mom wasn't all I thought she was and she really was just as much of the problem (i started splitting with her at 13 but never told her just went a long with everything because if she was happy then everyone was happy, livin on eggshells sucks). Which is a struggle for me to comprehend.It makes me feel lied to and that all of my life has been a lie. I am thinking about asking the consulor for a referral.

[MikeDelta]

So i talked to my doc a lil on my emotions. She suggested i read a book which ive been tryig to do but its been frustrating the hell out of me. I told her that the book triggered me and i was upset by it. I cant take it when someone tell me you created this mess... I told her a d she told me to just keep working on it And that i was causing myself to become upset .... Im frustrated, i hate being invalidated and thats what a book is to me, the only reason i tried was because this doc is someone i like but i feel so lost. If i knew hos to stop it i would. I dont know

[NDNOutlaw]

Originally Posted by MikeDelta

So i talked to my doc a lil on my emotions. She suggested i read a book which ive been tryig to do but its been frustrating the hell out of me. I told her that the book triggered me and i was upset by it. I cant take it when someone tell me you created this mess... I told her a d she told me to just keep working on it And that i was causing myself to become upset .... Im frustrated, i hate being invalidated and thats what a book is to me, the only reason i tried was because this doc is someone i like but i feel so lost. If i knew hos to stop it i would. I dont know

Still learning how this somewhat complicated discussion board functions. I have similar problem. I have outbursts that come very fast. When Im passing through normal I can control my emotions and think with a much clearer mind. I can keep to myself those destructive thoughts I would normally control and keep to myself. I asked a psychiatrist one time which is the real me and the bipolar part of me. His reply that was that this was an interesting philosophical question. Throw in my diabetes and the emotions that entails well its quite a ride. I found Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) to be a help.CBT basically means thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions and actions have consequences. I learned about reframing thoughts so I can interpret issues in other ways. Brooding is big with me. Its like a thunderstorm building. All of this is easy to say of course but so much harder to do especially when working in a stress filled environment. I wish employers were much more aware of mental illness in the work place. My mistake has been believing that I can tough out my depression and still do good work. Im now at an age where I need to slow down and work in a much less stress filled environment. Its hard very hard and theres no magic event thats going to change things.

[MikeDelta]

Originally Posted by NDNOutlaw

Still learning how this somewhat complicated discussion board functions. I have similar problem. I have outbursts that come very fast. When Im passing through normal I can control my emotions and think with a much clearer mind. I can keep to myself those destructive thoughts I would normally control and keep to myself. I asked a psychiatrist one time which is the real me and the bipolar part of me. His reply that was that this was an interesting philosophical question. Throw in my diabetes and the emotions that entails well its quite a ride. I found Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) to be a help.CBT basically means thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions and actions have consequences. I learned about reframing thoughts so I can interpret issues in other ways. Brooding is big with me. Its like a thunderstorm building. All of this is easy to say of course but so much harder to do especially when working in a stress filled environment. I wish employers were much more aware of mental illness in the work place. My mistake has been believing that I can tough out my depression and still do good work. Im now at an age where I need to slow down and work in a much less stress filled environment. Its hard very hard and theres no magic event thats going to change things.

Yeah, I really should probably see a T. I have wanted to try CBT because i think it would really help me, I can usually keep everything under control but when i get in those swings its like "Anything goes" and im in a swirling vortex losing control. I rationalize everything (even though deep down i know its irrational which is were the losing control feeling comes from i think). My self destructive thoughts blow up and even though i have yet to do anything too stupid i somewhat concerned i will eventually lose it.

Sometimes i wish i would blow up and lose it on someone, because people dont think i have a problem when inside im tearing myself up.