Imprints

I'm scared to post this because I really don't want anyone to think any less of me. I don't have anyone to talk to. I really am working on getting a therapist but I just can't. I have too much other sh-- to worry about then whatever this is. I just really need someone's opinion. There's this other part to me, like imprinted in the back of my mind. And I can't see it but I can feel it. Every time I try to do anything, every time I try to sleep I just can't. I'm up all night, worrying. I'm thinking about just about every bad thing that could happen to me and other disturbing things. I acknowledge that I need to stop but I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling dark. I enjoy hating everything and thinking about these things but I'm worried that if I keep on indulging, then I won't be able to stop. It's the only thing that keeps my heart beating and I almost want to pass it on. I want to share it with other people. I just don't know where I would be without this imprint. I'm remembering things from my past, things my father showed me, messed up things, like he was making me into something. I just don't know. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not dangerous. I'm about as nice as you can get but I just don't think about anything else anymore than these thoughts. I'm faking my smiles. I'm acting like I care what other people say and I just feel less and less like me every moment. Any help would be appreciated. Please don't think of me as something horrible. I'm not. Everyone else thinks there's something wrong with me. They avoid me and I've done nothing but be nice to them. I just don't get it and I need to be able to close my eyes without being terrified rather than just waiting until I physically can not stay awake anymore to pass out just to wake up maybe an hour or two later because of thoughts running through my head.

this may sound out there, but my personal belief is that we sometimes as humans decide to align with some darkness, in the false belief that the darkness will not harm us. i'm not sure if that came out right, i've never tried to explain it. but this could be a safety you've put up to process the wrongs experienced as a child. you still are that good and innocent person in there, and you know this. i think some sort of healing modality like mindfulness therapy or hypnotherapy or meditation class could really help you figure it out.

"Better the devil you know?" comes to mind after reading your post.
"Misery likes company" does, too.
My father was only happy when he was angry, and lashing out at us, and he really was a bad person, but I don't see that in you. He never ever showed any remorse for his behavior, but you do. You are seeking help and support, which is a very good sign.
In my opinion, it's not necessary to be too nice to people all the time; just be yourself unless you're like my father who kept that hidden from the public, but took it out on us, in private.

@BlueInanna, How does mindfulness therapy work? I've read up a bit on it since you posted but I've never heard of it before then. I have taken steps since then to try and understand it more.

@edward6, sorry to hear about all that. In a way I can understand the mindset of only being happy when you're angry but to take it out on others is something I feel like I could never do. It was actually a big reason of why I was so concerned about getting help, I didn't want to hurt anyone.