my rant on docs and their care

Back story: 12-2004 was in accident, school bus t-boned my door at about 60mph, i had a severe traumatic brain injury including three inter-cranial bleeds, a broken C-2 (neck at base of skull) i was in a coma 3 days, ICU 2 weeks, took 9 days for me to even know the "crazy lady" hospital beside the whole time was my mother i have more problems than i have the patience to list but my main one is debilitating headaches 10-20 days a month. here is my rant with doctors, of all types brought on by my neurologist appointment today...

I am beyond frustrated with this freaking circle of trial and error with drugs it's been 7yrs 1mo and 4 days of hell, the only med that has ever gotten rid of my headaches is hydromorphone, not morphine not fentanyl patches, not fentanyl citrates, not lyrica, neurontin, topamax, treximet, depacote, amitriptyline, nortriptyline, prozac or any of the other 100 meds I've guinea pigged, i'm exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, i cant handle this any longer. I've previously been on hydromorphone, ive proved i do not abuse it nor do i distribute it i can not understand WTF the problem is, I can not work or go to school or do anything remotely productive down to keeping my home clean when i have a debilitating headache over 15 days a month, I feel i'm doomed to be either an in-patient or end up some FN "drug addict" on the street cause that's the only place i can get anything that helps me feel functional.

It's absurd yea they save my life when it wasn't thought to be possible but then what? just dumped me out the doors with no follow up care, no insurance, no disability, no health care of any sort, no medications, no nothing, it'd be different if any of this was my fault, if i was some dumb kid who went around saying YOLO and doing stupid things ok, but i was college bound top 5% in america with a scholarship and this is a result of someone else driving not mine i was a passenger. So to these people who say God bless America I ask why... I feel like St. Joesph Hospitals Frankenstein, they stitch me up and throw me away, some days I wish they would of just let me go, heaven, hell or in the dirt at least it wouldn't be this. I wish for one day these freakin doctors who deal with severe Traumatic Brain Injured patients spent one day in our life maybe then they could see why we're so irritable, have so much anger and anxiety, its not from the head injury its from the lack of receiving any adequate care for the injury and pain. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So here I go, back on the drug trials, bring on the psychotic episodes, suicidal thoughts/ attempts, the neurotic, manic, and depressive moods, the zombie state, the uncontrollable emotions, the weight gain, all the craziness that goes with poisoning my body on a daily basis by the absurd amount of drugs cause everyone here knows you're never on one med they always add more, my memory is so bad i cant even remember to take birth control daily, lets just throw several pills at me to try and remember good thinking there doc! I know what works and its none of these damn psych meds I've been on most of them and they make me crazy or cause more problems than the problem it fixes. Yes hydromorphone is a narcotic but why do we have narcotics if they're not meant for use, so to all these pill junkies just looking to get high and who ruin it for people like myself who actually need these meds for legit reasons like getting rid of pain so maybe possibly i could have a job or go to school or do anything in my life i throw a middle finger to you with the utmost anger (and to people who have friends who are junkies i feel your pain and no disrespect i know people like that as well, this is my rant tho so I'm putting it all out there) Junkies have made doctors so terrified of giving out pain meds to people who again ACTUALLY NEED IT TO FUNCTION and not sit in a dark quiet room their whole life in horrific pain, so IMO you are selfish humans, as you go get high with the meds I need to live a reasonable life, i can not even get a prescription for those same pills your smoking and injecting I HAVE THE MEDICAL PROBLEMS you just want to get high.... so back to the doctors.... I am sick n FN tired of being treated like a pill seeker because i am a young female how dare you as a doctor look down upon me, let me hit you with a bus where you are expected to be in a permanent vegetative state your whole life and when you pull thru by some miracle get denied any care or meds to help you live as close to normal as possible, let you see how this feels on a daily basis, if you had half the problems i have youd understand
and we'll finish with a huge FML- Kristara
(sorry not looking to be consoled just beyond frustrated with life right now)

Kristara; After reading your post, I feel like a big baby coz I, too, have been jacked around by the canadian health system since a careless surgeon screwed up my operation back in early dec. I was beginning to think they have been trying to kill me, but no, they just don't give a damn. I'm going back in for another operation, at their convenience, meanwhile, I'm sitting at home with a tube in me, which has started an internal infection...Yippeee!
I know, I know, who gives a crap? Compared to what you have gone through, I really do feel like my situation is minor. I wish you well

The only good thing about this is that I've stopped internalizing, and blaming coz it doesn't do me any good nor improve my situation.

thanks yea, i usually don't even give a crap about any of this anymore after so long i say F it typically and try to ignore my problems all together but every time i see a new neurologist I get filled with so much rage toward the medical community I want to just give up, on life on hope on doctors on everything if they only knew what their patients go thru they'd treat us with a little more compassion! It's infuriating to think they sit there on their high horses belittling us like were the scum of society or something. Some days I wish I could become a specialist in the medical field dealing with severe TBI's but with all the problems I have I couldn't even get my AA much less a doctorate or any kind.
What and how did they screw up your surgery? Thats awful

Kristara, I know exactly how you feel. I've been pushed around for 27 YEARS now due to agonizing chronic pain. My spine is deteriorating & degenerating and it's horribly painful. You think they want to give me enough to even make me REASONABLY comfortable? Heck no.

It's taken me all this time - up until about 3-4 months ago - until my new doc found a combo of meds that actually DO work enough to get me comfortable enough so I can sleep about 4 hrs a night (on a good night). I still can't do any housework. The house is a mess and thanks goodness my daughter lives with me, but she isn't the best housekeeper.

Right now I'm having a flare due to the weather, and it's awful. There's no point in talking to the doc. He wouldn't do a thing about it. Anyway I DO understand. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

thanks yea it's nice to know im not the only one they screw around with, i just feel sometimes if i were 50 instead of 25 theyd actually give me my meds the ones that work, the looks and attitude i get even when i walk into most of my docs offices is ridiculous they look at me like jeeezzz like shes in pain right shes in her prime years not to mention I've actually been told by a doc "YOU DONT LOOK SICK" wtf is that???? because i know how to dress decently and apply makeup that means I'm not sick??? who the hell thinks like that??? Just because I'm plagued with this pain doesn't mean i have to come in wearing a baggy shirt n sweat pants! I just hate this life, i didn't ask for any of this all i wanna be able to do is go to a trade school like cosmetology so i can support myself thats a long way from the Duke Univ. Scholarship I had pre-accident, I think as any human i deserve to at least be a lower-middle class citizen whos not laying in bed sobbing half my life aarrrggggggg....

I have heard of pain clinics that specialize in non-drug therapies for those who can find no drugs that help. Have you thought about looking into those? Might be something to do while waiting for your docs to wake up.

i know what works for me nerologists just dont wanna give it to me cause its a narcotic, and i don't have the money or insurance to see a pain management doc unfortunately

Kristara, you said:

"I've actually been told by a doc "YOU DONT LOOK SICK" wtf is that???? because i know how to dress decently and apply makeup that means I'm not sick??? who the hell thinks like that???"

Holy crap how did this person pass med school?! I can't believe you had to deal with that and in so much pain for so long. I have thought to myself before
"is there anyone out there who knows exactly what's going on, who has been there, been through it already, who can relate, and can just FN fix this?" The incompetence of some of these doctors can make things feel so freakin hopeless; I'm so sorry your going through all of this.

Jeez and you're holding on to the legal way too, trying to do things the right way-I can see your frustration with these people who can get this forbidden cure so easily. I hope that you will keep hanging on...you'd wonder if the one time you're just tryin to get some relief you end up going to jail, after all this time the junkies never got caught...that would be a hard one to recover from, I think the feelings of injustice would be speechlessly overwhelming.

Man I hate saying "hang in there" when that's all you've been doing this whole damn time!

What and how did they screw up your surgery? Thats awful[/quote]

Actually, they made more than one careless "error" over several ops, and I've come to realize that it isn't just me. Perhaps, I'm paranoid, among other things, but after talking to many other people who have had complicated health care, I know they simply don't care...or worse. Just before one op, as I was going under, I heard the OR staff saying they wanted to be out of there by 5 coz they had some social function to attend. How do you think that made me feel when that was only 45min away, and I was in pretty rough shape? As funny as this might sound, it was a relief to me to realize that I'm not alone, and it's not just me they're trying to kill.

I have been through the vegitative state after several head injuries. Accidents. I ended up in the hospital and fought the doctors and nurses as I was parinoid, I have been in and out of the hospital several times until 2008. I finally found the right meds after being a ginipig for several meds. I have to say that in the end I feel much better after a 21 day stay for a med change which saved my life. Not all doctors are bad but if you can get the help you need, go for it even if it means a hospital stay. Nowadays hospitals treat people bettter, I know i have been treated bad by some doctors and nurses but in the end i am glad i went through all that as I would have died on my own. I found the right meds but i can't understand why they don't give you loritabs which is one of the pills that saved me from a life of pain. Maybe you could try a new place to go for meds, i write like this as good stuff about the mental health system as i have been through it all attended a mental health day treatment place and met many friends with the same problems as me and worse. there is good help out there just to let you know.