[Mindinpieces]

actually can't write this now but just in very much emotional pain saddness and upset, anger and frustration

(((((Mindinpieces)))))

[Mindinpieces]

It's getting heavier and harder and more suffocating literally consuming me on the insides. Oh and family are making it hell, everyone gets nervous oh yer I know they do. But they don't have to sit here stuck with you lot just wanting to claw your whole insides out because the anxiety I felt is that extreme and have to not say a words because you lot like it when I shut up but then I have no release and get stuck in negative thinking and self-destructive behaviour and way of life all because they keep me this way all because I was never allowed to think and feel anything always shut up MIP, you don't mean that, you spent too much time with others this is not you, SORRY BUT IT IS AND I JUST WANT TO MY HORRIBLE EXISTANCE TO BE DESTORYED SO BADLY BECAUSE I CAN'T COPE OR EVER BE HOW I WOULD LIKE TO BE FUCTIONING AS EXPECTED, I just don't have that in me you all as well as my own input and doing caved out all of the person I once was. There is nothing inside me but the hollow shadow of bones and skin that never decade along with me. I just want to shatter my lasting body into pieces.... sort of like cracking open an Easter egg but the only feel good thing would be my pain gone and my rotting existence not decaying into the world I live around.

I AM NOT GOING TO ACT ON THIS BUT I NEED TO GET THIS OUT WHERE I CAN SAY ALL WHAT I LIKE WITH OUT FEEL MORE RUBBISH AND PAIN BECAUSE I AQM NOT ALLOWED TO SHARE HOW I FEEL WITH ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS DISREGARDING ME OR GOING MAYBE THEY SHOULD CART YOU OFF. FAMILY IS A DISTRUCTIVE THING OR BECAUSE MANY IF NOT ALLOW F MY FAMILY ARE SHRUGGLING WITH DIFFERENT BUT CONSIDER MORE PROBLEMS THAN MIP THINK OF THEM THEY ARE GOING THROUGH A LOT ARR WAY TO ADD GUILT.

[MudCrab]

Sorry your life is so hard right now, Mindinpieces.

[Mindinpieces]

my whole body is eating itself up from the inside and the problem now is this is showing through to my life on the outside. I need so very much to control this but I can't as of yet or at least I haven't been able to. I have so far being trying to hide this not so very well and yet although my sroundings may be giving me a chance I have little to function with to be appreciative and able to once work on putting the emotional pain in the past and learn to live as I once did. Yet all I can do is more of the same and hope I can get away in a new place with how I may have once been able to if I didn't let too much show but I am human and have emotions that get the better of me and at the moment getting too much and in the way of every aspect of my life.

[OnyxRayne]

(((Mindinpieces))) Hang in there!

[Thunder Bow]

Walk In Beauty

[IowaFarmGal]

HUGS ((((((MIP))))) Hard not to be allowed to express what you're feeling. I hope today is a better day!

[Mindinpieces]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Walk In Beauty

Thunder Bow, sorry for my lack of understanding but what do you mean in some dumb down terms or way of explanation of your reply, sorry I have to ask. Even though I don't understand thank you though. Wishing you all the best MIP

[Mindinpieces]

Although the pain is still very much here and has been for far too long and grown strong. It all really does boil down to my thoguhts, way of thinking and emotions and rections that have caused this, some help yet not some help as I need to learn all again which is not easy, what I in theory should have picked up throughout my life to have good emotional health. I really need to change this because things may be starting off again and there is some hope this year with other stuff to work on which would change my life but once again me and my emotions may just cause me to fall flat on my face yet again.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by Mindinpieces

Thunder Bow, sorry for my lack of understanding but what do you mean in some dumb down terms or way of explanation of your reply, sorry I have to ask. Even though I don't understand thank you though. Wishing you all the best MIP

It is a Navajo term we use. It's like saying "Best Whishes"

[IowaFarmGal]

I'm taking a class at the mental health center that is supposed to help me identify and remove flilters that are distorting my thinking. It starts next week. I'm hopeful, although it's a group and I'm not sure how that will go. I wish you the best MIP and I hope things get better for you too.

[Mindinpieces]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

I'm taking a class at the mental health center that is supposed to help me identify and remove flilters that are distorting my thinking. It starts next week. I'm hopeful, although it's a group and I'm not sure how that will go. I wish you the best MIP and I hope things get better for you too.

That's really good IowaFarmGal, I hope it does work out for you and something that you can benifit from, although I wouldn't even brave such a thing, I will be thinking of you. I know it's hard but if I have to brave something similar I think hang on why should I panic and worry myself silly. Last time I done that I used far too much energy for nothing and felt worse for worrying which went to a waste of worry and emotions etc and still ended up in worse state. Than not to have activily worried thoughts going around in head and to have just tried to keep phyisical sensations at bay. Sorry what I am trying to say is don't think about it even though you may still get the feelings of panic and you're body may still show reaction signs but try to keep your thoughts else where and save them for when talking with the others on you're problems for what you're there for. Instead of use them up before hand when you just don't know what the future holds. Do post about this if you feel you want to at the time or keep me updated on how things go.

Wishing you all the best and sending my love MIP

[Mindinpieces]

I am so sick of my life and the person I am, it's far too shameful and hurtful to try and be anything other and to try to put this right.

Put this right.... means kid myself I can change myself to be anything other or just shut up and pretend to please those all around me.

It strange everything even just typing this is wrong of me and something I shouldn't have or do and it really doesn't make much difference nothing does to the pain I feel all in my head all phantom but real none a less to me.

I guess I tried to hide for far too long in hope of avoiding everything that would take it all always but I just made it worse and made my fears of me a reality which is true of me now and how I think and feel is the cold harsh truth.

But how do you get other that trying to challenge those thoughts feelings will never work but how do you move on and just forget or let go of the past you so it does not affect the you at present where you need to be to just get on with life and living alongside those around you.