Tears come easily

When I try to sleep, I can't help starting to cry. It is hard to stop it and relax to get to sleep. Thinking of death (not plans or intentions, just the inevitable eventuality) is the most soothing thing I can think of, or sometimes just a geometric shape, turning it over in my mind visually.

I go through the day, and I have to choke back tears and sobs that overcome me as I do my schoolwork or move from place to place, even sitting in class. A couple of weeks ago it got really bad and a few people asked me if I was okay. I often cry in prof's offices.

Yes, I feel sorry for myself often. Yes, I feel I've had a tough life. But the worst thing is I just don't know how to go on, how to improve things, how to make life feel worthwhile. I try not to dwell in the past, keep exercising and eating well, and do my best at school. (Mature student here - working on my second degree, in a completely different field than the first.) I do these things, but I enjoy them less than ever. Today's workout happened only because the husband wanted it and I forced myself. It helped a little, but . . . it all seems so pointless.

I wish I knew what to do, how to go on. Life has never made sense to me.

I have never been able to make friends. I tried many things, and I still try to be nice to my classmates, but I'm just a clueless idiot with people. And the world is made of people, so I have had one epic fail after another. I cringe when I get home from all my stupid interactions with people. And then I cry. So much crying. Wasted life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I'm so tired of all this.

((H3rmit))

I'm sorry that you're feeling so depressed.

Have you spoken with your doctor about your low mood? In my opnion, you should start there. My guess is that he/she will prescribe an anti-depressant and recommend seeing a therapist. Both are good ideas at this point.

It sounds like talking with a T might be real helpful to you ~ working through issues that haunt you as well as coming up with new ways to work through daily stress.

Gentle hugs to you...

I agree with Shezbut, you sound lost right now, and you may need to see a therapist to help you understand "why" you feel this way. It doesn't mean you are crazy or anything either. It really sounds like it is time for you to ask for help so you can have some answers.

Let us know how you make out. Welcome to PC.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Therapists have never helped, and I see no point talking to a doctor about my feelings about my life.

I agree with shez as well. Doctors can give you medicine that may help raise your mood. Therapy may help you to connect to other people. I struggle to make friends as well. For me it stems from self esteem. I get afraid of being reject so I don't reach out to people. I have to push myself there and tell myself that it is ok if someone doesn't like me. I control how I see myself and my self esteem doesn't come from how others view me. That just me though. I think therapy may help you learn way you have a hard time establishing friendships. Fiends can give us a sense of belonging in life. If part of that is not there, it may make a person depressed and unfulfilled. You can p.m. me if you want someone to talk to. I hope you find some help here and welcome to the community.

Doctors can't change how you feel. Only you can do that by being kind to yourself and using your heart.

Doctors can give some insight and help you understand your past hurts. But it is only you that can let go of them.

I don't know how. And therapists (doctors?) I've been to are useless. They don't want to give input. The patient has to solve it themselves. Well, I can't. I tried and failed for many years. Any ideas? Thanks for reply.

"The patient has to solve it themselves" That is True for everyone. Only YOU can do that.

You are not a Failure, and I am sure you have made some progress.

My Idea: You need a Crisis Warrior on your side, some one to help you solve your problems and issues, and help you heal.

My Answer: YOU are that Crisis Warrior!

"Therapists have never helped, and I see no point talking to a doctor about my feelings about my life."
I'm not sure I agree. I have a very good friend who went into a deep depression a few years ago. She went to the doctors and they prescribed something. She says it didn't solve anything itself (as you say, the patient needs to do that themselves), but it did take the edge off the feelings of hopelessness and allow her to start healing and dealing with the issues.

yes i feel that way often too. i dont have any friends either, and when i talk to people they look at me weird and back off, like they get away from me. i cry a lot too, sometimes i wake up crying... and its like i cry for no reason, a teacher called on me to talk to me privately and i hadnt done anything wrong, but just the situation, it felt like too much for me to handle and i started crying for at least 30 minutes, and i coulndt stop, or talk. i saw like it wasnt really happening, like it was all going to stop suddenly and it would be over, like i trapped myself.i used to go to therapy,once, i cried for an hour without stopping, and after the hour was up, i was sobbing all the way home. i feel really lost too.. i dont even know how to deal with my life, i feel like a stone wall around me that doesnt let me do anything right. its like im a different person in my mind but then when i talk im someone else, and i cant handle it! because its not me.. sometimes i think about ending my life because im so trapped in myself.. i just dont know what to do anymore.. i feel so much like you in so many ways!

Your post made me cry
Because this is exactly how I feel right now
I don't want to die
But I don't know how to live
I feel like I suck at everything
I suck at relationships (with my boyfriend, friends, family, coworkers)
I suck at figuring out what I want as a career
I suck at relaxing and enjoying myself
I suck at dealing with my emotions

God, I am such a pathetic pity party

Thanks for connecting.

Although I'm grateful for what I do have, it doesn't feel like enough. It's never enough. I don't know how to get what I need, or even good ways to soothe myself.

I've actually gone a couple of nights without crying myself to sleep. I don't know why. Maybe it's talking on this board. I don't know.

Maybe it's the harder exercise. A guy from the building was down there with me and my husband. (Usually no one else comes in when we are there.) But he's a nice guy, so we stayed. He said, "You're benching that? I wondered who was." And then he said directly to me (cuz my husband and me were benching the same weight) when I was doing shoulder presses and other stuff, "You're strong!" I said thank you. It felt good. (I am not a jock and have always been mocked for my appearance. This is the first time I got a nice comment instead of some insult or leer on the street.) I was pushing pretty hard in the gym that day. Muscle burns fat and causes endorphins. That's an AD I can go for.

And maybe it's partly because my prof who got me crying a couple weeks ago, yesterday AGAIN asked how I am doing now. Usually after I cry no one follows up. This prof seems different from most people. Although I wish I could just be professional and not cry, I can't always hold back the truth. See, the profs are about my age. I'm just an undergrad. Sometimes the comparison reminds me of hurts, because they went and found something worth doing 30 years ago, and made a life from it. Darn, now I'm crying a lot again. It's a great sense of lost opportunity. And I'm trying to do something meaningful now. This prof studies the kind of thing that I have been most curious about, and it's complicated stuff I am just starting to get into.

And while writing this I got a phone call: My husband got an NSERC research assistantship. This is an honour and an indication of high quality abilities . I was hoping to get one one day. I used to be more accomplished than my husband, but lately he's surpassed me despite being younger than me, and that means the relative failure comparison hits me at home sometimes too. Right now I'm deleriously happy about the NSERC, but days later I may feel sometime not so great for a while.