[hezaa82]

Thank you all for making this safe space where I can share.

I had a rough weekend and I'm still recovering from it/trying to figure out what it means.

So I get lonely and insecure very easily... this weekend I was meant to take it easy at home because I had a minor medical procedure done on Friday. Saturday I was feeling ok physically so I planned to go visit my friend's art show that night at 8pm. But during the afternoon I was looking at Facebook and seeing everyone I know doing things with their friends, and at the same time I also emailed my friend to see what he was doing Sunday and he said he had plans with friends, so I started feel really insecure and inadequate. Why don't I don't have anyone to invite me anywhere when everyone has people inviting them places?

I emailed my friend J looking for consolation. You may have seen me talking about him on here before, but I see him as someone who's always got my back. ie he was the only one who emailed me Saturday morning to see how I was feeling after my procedure. But he didn't respond the way I wanted him to and I was already in a really volatile state so it made me crazy...

His response was "What happened to being positive?" and it sounded like an accusation when what I wanted was empathy because I was feeling down. (In the past I did rely on him too much so I know he's sensitive to these topics.) He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for having friends but I think that's his own fears being projected onto me. Anyway I felt distraught that he wasn't kind to me when I was feeling down...I really wanted to tell him that I felt hurt but I knew I shouldn't do it while he's out having fun with his friends...so I waited til the next morning. but no response

I'm starting to become open to the idea that going to your friends when you're depressed and asking for them to cheer you up isn't ok behavior...but at the same time I can't see why it's so bad. When someone responds in a way that makes me feel worse I want to tell them... but it looks like I'm not supposed to do that either?

Then I was talking to a female friend about it this morning, and at first she was supportive, but when I told her I wrote to J that I had felt hurt by the way he responded, she got very short with me. She said people don't like being accused of things...but I never intend to accuse people, I just want to talk about my hurt feelings...I know the other person isn't hurting me intentionally so if I let them know their response is hurting me I figure they'll want to stop?

It actually feels like life or death when I'm really upset and no one is comforting me... I guess that's my abandonment issues. As a small child when you're neglected it actually is a matter of life or death so I guess those childhood feelings come up in these situations and it feels the same.

It's just so hard having people being mad at me when I'm already in a bad place. more hurt on top of hurt, it seems like too much to bear. But when I get into one of those insecure "no one loves me" kind of moods the feelings are so overwhelming and all I want is some reassurance from someone. Calming myself down when I'm in one of those moods has never seemed like an option... It's been eating me apart having to wait a few days until I can see J and talk to him about what happened...

[LovelaceF]

Well, you can be sure that J cares about you, since J emailed to see how you were feeling after your procedure.

Maybe nobody invited you out because they thought you needed rest after your procedure? Maybe they knew you already had plans to see the art show? Maybe they were going to an event that they thought you wouldn't enjoy? There are so many reasons that people might have for not inviting you out, and most of them aren't personal.

Concluding that you weren't invited out because of some personal reason probably did make you seem like you were accusing people of something. Sometimes it's best to keep one's hurt feelings to one's self until there is more concrete information available. I know that hard, though, especially when you're in a delicate state. Sorry that you don't have a more compassionate friend.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think your friend lacked compassion, it's just he has feelings too. I'm sorry you feel this way but I do think there is a lot of distorted thinking going on here.

People aren't all just invited out. Someone has to do the inviting. And if I was your friend and you just waited for me to invite you places, I probably wouldn't think you wanted to see me. I think you have to treat others as you want to be treated: with kindness, with respect for their boundaries, with understanding of their feelings as well as yours. When does J get to feel hurt?

It's okay to want your friends to comfort you. But they just can't be put through this kind of rupture and trust repair. It's not fair on anyone including you.

I'm not being mean to you. Just trying to show where the boundaries might be. I've been in this place and the answer is you just have to engage with people and not test them like this.

(((Hugs))))

[Perna]

It is not someone else's job to make you feel better, only you can do that with your own actions, not thoughts, as you have seen with yours; you get in further difficulty by thinking someone cares/does not/has hurt you, based on only one incident in a whole history of a zillion incidents of a relationship. Think about and remember the "usual" of your friendships; J has your back normally and called to see how you are. Don't let the drop of can't-help-at-this-moment turn the good into all bad?

I wondered what happened to having time off to heal after your procedure and your plans to go to the art show Saturday night? You made that in advance and had decided that was what you were going to do, why are you swayed by what others have planned and are doing? If you tell your friends you are having a procedure done and are taking time off to rest, why would you expect anyone to call and invite you out or for them to be sitting at home hoping you would change your mind and call and invite them? Other people are just as complex as we are and have their life they are living; it's great when they intersect but their life isn't about what you are doing and your schedule, it is about their own. You have to be planning and doing things (how would you have liked if a friend had called and said, "Oh, don't get the procedure done that day, I'm having mine done then and want you to come over and cheer me up instead"?) and let others know and they are interested, like you were in going to your friend's show. These things can't come together just in your head, it takes actual events and things you are doing to attract others or be attracted to.

[Thunder Bow]

1st. Don't put all your eggs in other peoples baskets. 2nd. Lower your expectations of others.

"J" may not be able to give you all that you want from him. It is nice to get support from others, but the Best Support all ways comes from within!

Remember, other people have their problems and short comings as well, and may not be able to give the kind of support you feel you need.

Within you, You have all kinds of power and resources to tap into. Now is the time to connect with your own abilities and Power!

[hezaa82]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Sorry for the late response.

Maybe nobody invited you out because they thought you needed rest after your procedure?

That weekend I know that people were letting me rest after the procedure, but I was just thinking about my life in general, how even on a normal weekend no one really considers me their "go to person"...

tinyrabbit, I do try and invite people sometimes but I get very discouraged when I don't get a yes... I also feel so small and insignificant compared to everyone else that I don't have the right to do the inviting or something?

Perna, it wasn't just about this weekend, it was about looking at all the weekends in my life and how no one really relies on my for companionship. Even that art show (which I did go to) wasn't something that I was personally invited to...it was just something that everyone on that person's Facebook friends list got invited to. I was sad because all of these things (looking at my friends' lives, looking at the lack of personal invitations) made me realize I couldn't find a single relationship in my life that felt personal...

I'm having trouble coming to terms with this idea that you can't ask people for help when you're sad. All my life I've always heard things like "don't suffer alone" etc so it's hard to accept. When I'm feeling really scared and alone I reach out to people because I guess I'm just trying to ask "Are you there?" and hoping for a simple "yes." I wish people understood that's all I was asking... My therapist told me last night that I have borderline personality disorder... I've known I had abandonment issues and codependency but it's kinda scary to be told I have a personality disorder. I was neglected as a child and raised by a woman with abandonment and borderline issues herself...it's bad enough that I had to have a bad childhood but to have my adult life be screwed up by it as well just seems cruel. I'm starting to become open to the idea that they way I've been doing things isn't going to work, but it's hard to think that I have to stop believing everything I used to believe, especially when I was just trying to do my best the only way I knew how. It's hard see coldness and impatience in J where there used to be patience and concern, even when I do the right thing...

[Thunder Bow]

"J"s Problems are not your fault. He was that way long before you meet him. Seeing that Therapist shows you are doing something good for yourself. It is good to ask for what you want, but keep your expectations in check.

[LovelaceF]

I find that occupying my time with my interests really helps. If I spent my time comparing myself to others, I'd probably fall into despair because, realistically, I don't have many things that I want and that others have. Do you have any hobbies to immerse yourself into?

Also, I think it is important to realize that you CAN ask people for help, and you CAN share your feelings with them. It just needs to be done in a way that respects the other person's comfort levels, too.

It is also important not to jump to conclusions. Guessing other people's motives or trying to read another person's mind usually doesn't turn out well. It's common, for instance, for someone to feel lonely or that they're not getting enough attention. Some people though, instead of saying directly what they feel, will say to the people in their lives "Why don't you love me? Why do you hate me?" or something to that effect.

This is not directly communicating. It's translating feelings into someone else's intentions. This behaviour is very unfair to the other person and can cause problems in the relationship if done frequently enough.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

This is not directly communicating. It's translating feelings into someone else's intentions. This behaviour is very unfair to the other person and can cause problems in the relationship if done frequently enough.

Spot-on.

hezaa82, I can do one of two things here. I can agree with you that it's all terrible or awful, or I can suggest you maybe stop and re-read what you've written here.

You want people to treat you like their go-to person. But you don't treat anyone else like that, either, from what you've said here. You're convinced they don't want to spend time with you, so you stay quiet and wait for them to prove it.

This is uncomfortable and difficult to hear, but you need to become the friend you want to have. Ask people how they are. Invite them out. Stop giving other people the power to be more significant than you. It's a funny old fact of life that if you expect to be ignored or rejected, people will pick up on that, and act as you expect, which reinforces your expectations.

Stop thinking about what you don't have. Start thinking about what you want (same thing, different outlook) and how you could make it happen. It's okay to reach out to people, but it's not okay if you only reach out to them when you're depressed, or if you don't treat them like they're people, too. I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but you do have to break the cycle of self-rejection for things to change.

[BeeKeeper]

hezaa- What I learned to do, if I'm feeling lonely and missing my friends is just send them a message saying that I love or care about them or "hey, I'm grouchy, tell me something that will make me laugh." That way, they know they're important to me and I starts a really good conversation between us.
I usually don't lead with a word vomit of everything I'm feeling because I just don't know what kind of emotional space they're in.

Remember, your friends aren't your therapist. If you can't see your real therapist and really, really need to get all of that icky stuff out, call Befrienders International. This is their Japanese number: Hotline: +81 (0) 3 5286 9090