Same day, viscous cycle

I know that I am the only one who can help myself. I understand that positive thought patterns have to start with me, and that I need to overcome negative thoughts and negative ways of thinking. I have a few minutes during the day where I can really understand this and then I lapse back into feeling awful about myself, thinking I am a bad, selfish person. I don't deserve happiness. But I need to push through and try for the people around me that care about me.

I keep wanting to reach out and cling to anyone for reassurance, even people I hardly talk to on a regular basis. I feel like if I just talk to the right person or get therapy or something somebody will give me the magic answer and all my problems will be fixed and I will figure it out. I don't want to be alone with myself.

I feel selfish because my Grandpa needs me right now to help take care of him in Florida and all I want to is run back to NY. But there wasn't anything there for me, either. I felt like I was sad all the time and just upsetting my family because they couldn't understand why I was still moping around all the time. I try hard to put on a smile and be normal. I don't feel like myself. I look in the mirror and feel totally disconnected. I feel like every interaction is forced.

I want to sleep all the time, I look forward to the end of the day because then I can sleep and forget everything for a while. I start panicking as soon as I wake up.

I think if I found a job or volunteer work I'd feel better if my time and mind were occupied but nobody wants to hire anyone for just a month (that's how long I will be here). I feel so trapped. I don't want to upset my grandpa by being depressed around him but it's a very small apartment.

The days seem to follow a very similar pattern. I wake up, am feeling terrible until the afternoon where between 1-4 or 5 o clock it reaches it's peak. I cry a lot. Or try not to. And then after about 5 or 6, usually I start drinking (not excessively, maybe 2-3 a night) and then I just feel numb. Even if I tried to think bad things, I just feel relieved and don't think about them. Maybe because I know soon it will be time to go to sleep and I will feel better.

Get Therapy for Yourself, and expect there will be no magical answers. Therapy will take time and much dedication towards healing yourself. It will be time well spent, and will fill time and provide a distraction from your situation.

I hate that magical answers don't exist, but, yeah, they don't exist. But Thunder Bow is right, get a therapist who can help you carry some of that heavy baggage.

It's okay to feel tired/depressed/lonely sometimes. You don't have to force yourself to be happy all the time to be a good person. Seems like you're carrying a pretty heavy burden, taking care of your grandfather. That's a wonderful thing to do for him and I'm sure he loves you for it. But being a caretaker is such hard work, so you have to make sure you're caring for yourself as well. Even if it's just taking a walk, or a fifteen minute nap, or reading or eating chocolate- it's okay to want, need, and give these things to yourself. Positive self talk isn't "I must be happy NOW," it's "I am struggling. That's okay, but I would like to be better. What is actually going to make me feel better?" And it's not easy- just like any other habit, your negative thoughts are hard to break.

Try to stop punishing yourself. You're a good person with a lot on your plate. It's well worth it to take good care of yourself.

Selfish people never think that they do not deserve happiness. That is an oxymoron right there.

i am kind of selfish because i believe that everything i do should benefit me and everybody else. the thing about that is i have to be well in order for others to be well. that's crazy but that's just how i feel sometimes. nobody asked me how my day went when i was upset. nobody was there for me when i was bulllied. i had to ask for help myself. that is just really stupid. i had to get out myself. it's like i'm not God's gift or something.

That's not selfish- You're beating yourself up- it's okay to want a support system when you're feeling down or going through something terrible. Really, it is.
I know I think this way a lot. I feel as if I have no right to expect anything of anyone and that, if I were just a better person, people would like me more. The thing is, when I just give give give, people just take take take. You either attract people who will use you, or the good people who really care have no idea that you need something more from them. Since people aren't mind readers, it's okay to ask for help or support when you need it. People will give it if that's what they know you need.

Of course, that's easier said than done. But please try not tell yourself to "just get over it" all the time. You're human, you have the right to feel and the right to be taken care of sometimes. By trying to do it all on your own, you're just carrying an unnecessarily heavy load.

We all have to one's own Warrior. Support form others is nice, but the best support comes from within.

Hello there

It's hard to break the cycle of negative thoughts. I'm going through the same myself at the moment and it feels very unnatural to me to feel worthy and speak to myself in a positive way. It's encouraging that you can understand it even for a short time and a small step in the right direction.

Maybe you could still volunteer for the time you are in Florida. I guess that any charitable work would be appreciated. Do you manage to get out of the apartment for some head space each day. Maybe just for a quick walk around the block and a change of scenery?

I don't know if it's any help but I've been repeating positive affirmations to myself when negative thoughts start to creep in. It takes a lot of hard work to unlearn patterns of learned behaviour and I hope you find the courage to keep going as you deserve to be happy.

Hugs