[Hellion]

Seriously, do stupid unpleasant feelings have to ruin everything? Yesterday was a get together for my brothers birthday and today is his birthday. A little while ago he left to go party with a few friends.

Basically, I heard him make the plans and was thinking it would be cool if I could come to but I didn't really expect it, not so sure i would have gone even if he had asked me to....but then it kept bothering me more and more and now it's to the point all i can think about is that i wish I could go out and have fun once in a while I mean I don't usually have money let alone people to go have fun with...its not my brothers fault and for all I know he may have just assumed I wouldn't be in the mood to go to what could amount to a rather loud party since a lot of times I am not really up for too much chaos but for some reason it still bothers me.

Its like I'm the loser that hears about my sister, my brother and other people and all the good times they are having or just got back from or are planning to do...while I essentially try to make the best of having a pretty much non-existant, stagnant depressing life. Uhh I just didn't want to get hit with this on my brothers birthday because its his birthday....and all I can do is feel sorry for myself.

I mean am i just taking it too personally I wasn't invited to that particular event....or was it mean of him not to invite me? I am his older sister of the age 23 and he's 18(well 19 now)a lot of his friends are around my age or older so i wouldn't be out of place due to my age. I am just so caught up in feeling down on myself I don't even know what the reality of the situation is. It isn't really even that he went to to a party i likely would have declined due to being tired that I am upset about...its that I am 23, life just seems to go faster and i am wasting it I don't even go out and have fun ever...except the rare times i am able to join a family member and their friends. But I see even my younger family members seeming to live life to the fullest. Then of course i feel bad that all I can think about on my brothers birthday are my problems rather then if i can maybe get him a little gift or make him a card or something.

I am too embarrassed to actually talk to my brother or anyone else IRL about all that....I mean what would I even say that wouldn't come off immature or something. I mean an older sister trying to tell their older siblings they'd like to be included more if possible with stuff.....I mean I don't even know that my brother or my sister would even want to include me in their fun. I mean they hang out with me at home and sometimes I go places with my brother but i'd feel pretty stupid saying 'hey I actually would like to go out and have fun more with you.' only to find the whole reason it doesn't happen too often is they'd rather me not be around to embarrass them or something.

It's just confusing.....Also I keep thinking, when my birthday comes around i don't even want to acknowledge it, I've felt left out at my own birthday the last few times but maybe i deserve that when this is the crap I can't get out of my head on my brothers birthday...not just his really guess I've been liking the damn birthday celebrations less and less because whether its mine or someone elses it always depresses me and reminds me of how much I fail at life.

[Thunder Bow]

Do Not compare yourself with others, no mater who they are. If you do, you will always feel misserable. Parties are not always fun, and maybe you are a little to mature for the loud kind. Do what YOU like doing and forget about if any one approves.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Do Not compare yourself with others, no mater who they are. If you do, you will always feel misserable. Parties are not always fun, and maybe you are a little to mature for the loud kind. Do what YOU like doing and forget about if any one approves.

That is a little easier said than done, especially when I get to watch everyone else have a life when I can't. I would like to do what I like but I don't usually have the means to do that and doing everything alone gets to be pretty depressing and boring. And though I still worry too much about how other people will react to things I have improved some in that area, well actually quite a lot considering where i started.

[LovelaceF]

Hi Hellion,

I'm curious, what do you think is the worst thing that could possibly happen if you told your brother that you are feeling bored and lonely and would like to go out with him sometime?

[Hellion]

I don't know its just how I am used to people reacting to things, not him specifically...I mean if anything he's probably the one in my family who spends the most time with me and we have gone to concerts and done fun things. So I kind of feel like really don't have much reason to be upset towards him, I mean this time he got a ride and there wouldn't have been room for another person since he had two friends with him and it was going to be a small vehicle....So I am mostly just bothered I get so upset over little things like that.

I mean I feel like I never get included, over one incident of it....so I guess I also think he would think I am just complaining since we already hang out and go places together. I feel like that with my sister to though with her the main reason we don't hang out much is shes usually rather busy with work and other stuff, she might even be starting at a community college or something while working so yeah....but we get along when we do get together.

As you can see I can see the logical side of this, yet I still end up feeling upset and left out.......I mean if I had more friends and went to do things with them more often I doubt my sister or brother would be feeling left out because I don't bring them with every time so I don't see why it matters to me.

[LovelaceF]

Well, you can't help it if you have an emotional reaction over something. Nobody ever said that emotions have to be logical, either.

That said, I think that your feelings are telling you to make a change. You feel that something is missing, which is prompting you to evaluate your actions. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

[Hellion]

I wouldn't even know what change to make, the changes I would need to make to solve the problem aren't things I have control over really. I've been hurt more by people than helped by them so I'm likely not going to just put myself out there to meet more people...income might help, so I am trying to get on SSI though i might start looking for work in case that doesn't work not that i think I'd get hired or be there long before getting fired but if I can't get on SSI i don't have much choice other than hoping i can earn enough to get by somewhat and not end up in the psych ward if the stress gets to be too much.

Nothing is ever simple and I just wish logic could over-rule emotions in these instances. It actually feels more like i am slipping than moving in any positive forward direction. If there were viable solutions then perhaps I would be but i can't think of any.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I wouldn't even know what change to make, the changes I would need to make to solve the problem aren't things I have control over really. I've been hurt more by people than helped by them so I'm likely not going to just put myself out there to meet more people...income might help, so I am trying to get on SSI though i might start looking for work in case that doesn't work not that i think I'd get hired or be there long before getting fired but if I can't get on SSI i don't have much choice other than hoping i can earn enough to get by somewhat and not end up in the psych ward if the stress gets to be too much.

Nothing is ever simple and I just wish logic could over-rule emotions in these instances. It actually feels more like i am slipping than moving in any positive forward direction. If there were viable solutions then perhaps I would be but i can't think of any.

*hugs* Sorry you're going through this.

You don't need to completely turn your life upside down to make a positive change though. Small changes can really make a huge impact in one's quality of life, IMO.

I think asking your loved ones for help might be a good place to start. You seem to have a good relationship with your siblings. Don't you think one or both of them would be receptive to helping you?

For example, if you could go out once per month with a safe person (brother or sister, or someone else), would that make you feel better? Is a few hours per month too much to ask from someone who cares about you?

I don't go out much because I have a toddler. Most of my friend live out of town, too. Every once in a while, though, people will come to visit me from out of town. They will drive several hours to get here. I think that's pretty great.

In the past I would not ask them because I thought that it would be too much of an imposition and that they were too far away. Later I was feeling miserable and became desperate and decided to ask anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to see how simply asking for what I needed could succeed.

I can understand not wanting to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt. However, I think that there come a time when one causes more pain to one's self by NOT being open. That's what has been happening with me, in any case. I have a really hard time trusting people and am very sensitive. I've been betrayed more times than I care to recall. I have been used and taken advantage of by others. Those are the negatives.

On the other side of the coin, every positive thing that has ever happened in my life and nearly every achievement that I've ever made would not have been possible without the help of other people. I feel very lucky to be able to live the life that I do, even if I still feel like a paranoid basket case who nobody loves sometimes.

[Open Eyes]

Hellion, are you an artistic person by chance? Is there any way you could take some kind of art class? You need to have some kind of outlet for yourself.

For example, I took an art course in toll painting, it was sooo much fun and I really learned alot. It gave me such a lift too. Sometimes they offer this kind of class at art suppy stores. The one I took was out of a woman's home in my town, it was a small group and we were all so busy with our projects and learning that it was relaxing too.

Just a suggestion Hellion, but LovelaceF is right, doing small things can add so much quality, its' really amazing.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hellion, are you an artistic person by chance? Is there any way you could take some kind of art class? You need to have some kind of outlet for yourself.

For example, I took an art course in toll painting, it was sooo much fun and I really learned alot. It gave me such a lift too. Sometimes they offer this kind of class at art suppy stores. The one I took was out of a woman's home in my town, it was a small group and we were all so busy with our projects and learning that it was relaxing too.

Just a suggestion Hellion, but LovelaceF is right, doing small things can add so much quality, its' really amazing.

I was taking a portrait drawing class, where we replicated pictures of people with charcoal. I have one more class as it was only 6 sessions but yeah I enjoy it....and it's something to do. Can't say i really ended up interacting with everyone else there too much though....or that it does much to make me feel better about life. Then again lots of artists are unhappy I imagine and I am better than i thought at the drawing.

My family kept saying I should take an oil painting portrait class after, but not sure I'd want to screw around with paint I'd rather just refine my charcoal drawing style and maybe learn to draw things aside from faces with it. The only reason I was able to go though was because my grandpa went to that class and he thought it was really cool so he wanted to pay for me to go.

[Thunder Bow]

This may sound crazy to you, but you need to do more things Alone! Work on enjoying your own life Alone! You will find more freedoms than you ever dreamed possible. Being tied in family trouble the way you are, got you feeling down. Time to break free. The art class is a good start. But don't forget this: Spend More Time Doing Things Alone! Watch the Movie "Avatar".

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

This may sound crazy to you, but you need to do more things Alone! Work on enjoying your own life Alone! You will find more freedoms than you ever dreamed possible. Being tied in family trouble the way you are, got you feeling down. Time to break free. The art class is a good start. But don't forget this: Spend More Time Doing Things Alone! Watch the Movie "Avatar".

Uhh yeah, what exactly is there to enjoy...I don't think isolation is even healthy, and its something I struggle with quite a lot. I do my best to enjoy being alone no matter how depressing it is...I try to not be bothered by having essentially no friends or real support from people but I don't think I can enjoy all that.

If I spend more time doing things alone that would mean cutting myself off from all interaction since most things I do are alone anyways...I wish I could just live life and all that without needing any help or support from anyone else but I am not sure that is possible for me or even humans in general. But what do I know maybe total isolation would be the best bet just not sure how to get entirely stuck in my head to the point I am not aware of the world outside...but if I could it might be less painful.

Also though all that aside I don't have the means to go do things even alone, aside from walking around outside any other activity even volunteering as I'd still have to afford the bus costs more money than I have....I have been waiting on an SSI decision, and if that doesn't work out I don't really have a lot of options. I guess I might as well try and find work if that proves to be the case but not sure that would work out considering the reasons I am applying for SSI.

[Hellion]

My last response may have been kind of a rant, I guess maybe I was feeling rather triggered, just don't understand how more loneliness would be a solution I guess.