I surrender...

Well... I've had an epiphany of sorts. I've been thinking about this on-&-off for a long time. But more so recently. Then, this morning, for some reason, it seems to have solidified in my mind. I surrender... no more fighting it. Just give me the drugs.

I guess this started most recently at my last app't with my pdoc. I was telling him that my emotions & anxiety had been up & down recently. So he decided to add a prescription for Lamictal in addition to the Cymbalta I've been taking right along. In the past, I've resisted adding a 2nd med. But I recently quit my therapist. So I have some additional money available that was going to pay her & so I decided to go ahead & start the new med.

At my appointment, my pdoc also gave me some info on DBT groups that his group runs. I didn't call immediately, deciding instead to think about it. I have transportation problems & so getting to one of these groups would be difficult. Plus, I've participated in similar sorts of things in the past. So, I came to the conclusion that pursuing this was probably just a waste of time & money. In the end nothing will be any different.

So, as a result, I've just decided to surrender to the psych med's. I'm almost 65 years old. I've struggled with mental health issues my whole life. I've been self-abusive & made 2 serious suicide attempts, the latest one just over a year ago. What would cause me to think that another "class" or more therapy is going to make any serious difference? It won't. All it will do is to soak up more money.

So give me the drugs! I'll just take whatever my pdoc wants to prescribe... the more the merrier! Does that sound defeatist? Maybe it is. Or maybe it's just being realistic. Under any circumstances, it's the decision I've made.

I hope that works out. I think I may have asked this question before but did your therapist or pdoc think that maybe you were just stifling/stuffing the real you? I know you said you're considering the impact on your wife in any decisions you make so I understand your decision. I wish you the best and hope you'll stay around.

Well, my pdoc doesn't care one way or the other. He just prescribes psych med's, that's it. (It's not just him. That's the way it is where I live.) Yes, my former therapist knew all about this. But unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it other than tinker around the periphery. That's why I've come to the conclusion I have. No amount of therapy or groups or classes, etc. are going to change the essential facts of my life at this point. It just is what it is. I just need to accept it & let it go.

I'll absolutely stay around! I didn't think there was anything that could drag me off of YouTube. I always used to say: "It's where I live." But PC has done it. I'll never leave YouTube entirely. But a large chunk of my time now is being spent on PC.

Thanks for responding to my post, George H.

I understand. Good luck

Your logic stinks If nothing is going to be any different, my dear soothsayer, then why even bother wasting money on the drugs, much less more drugs?

While it is true there is "nothing new under the sun" you have not been under all your suns yet/before so you may feel it is all the same but it cannot yet be all the same to you. You cannot know what will happen tomorrow, who you might meet, what problems you might have or what gifts or solutions might present themselves to you. I like waking up (I'm 62) and wondering what might happen today, at least until about 4:30 in the afternoon? And, sometimes, I deliberately go do something or make something happen or discover something I didn't know but am now glad I did, etc.

Well Perna at least you're direct. The reason I'm "wasting money on drugs" is because, without them, I'll probably try to kill myself... again. Personally, that would be fine with me. But there are others who seem to object to the idea. It's that simple. I'm pleased that your life is such an adventure!

You made a decision. Now you can experience the consequences. (No, I'm not trying to scare you. ) I'm thinking if you take the pressure off yourself to DO SOMETHING in the classes and therapy, that will be nice. If you don't like the drugs, they can always be changed, but taking a breather, even an extended one, can help clear the mind and who knows what good might come of that? I'm so indecisive, I'm always relieved when the decision is done with!

It can be the same. Ever heard of, "Wherever you go, there you are"? It's a problem many if not most people on the site are having or have had.

(((BedofBones)))hi, and Hermit, I just want to ask, is that from a book of Buddhism, someone at the womens shelter last year let me borrow it. I also like a book called "the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle. Its kind of the same idea. The moment we are in now is all there is. I really don't get that "wherever you go there you are" though. I guess, if we dwell on the past or future of our own lives, that's where we are. Nothing new under the sun, well that can be true in whatever moment you find yourself in. A doctor put it to me this way once, when I'm having a very difficult moment, just make it simple, like think, the coffee is hot, I enjoy the smells of spring etc. I find a lot of help for myself just trying to stay present with the moment I am in, even if its an anxious or depressing thought, and then let it happen, then let it go. It doesn't always work so easily.
BedofBones, I hope you get medication that helps you feel better, and
YES people will object to the idea of you killing yourself. I do. I was there several times in life, attempting that.
I wish I could help. Sometimes directly saying things even though it sounds critical, can be helpful just to get you thinking about yourself. Best wishes with your troubles, kelly

Apparently this aphorism is now a book title (I googled). However, I just meant it as our experience is determined by who we are often more than where we are.

Hello H3rmit: Thank you for commenting on my post! Yes, the problem is I've done it all before. And while it was enjoyable for the most part, & educational too in many respects, none of it made any real difference in the essential facts of my life. It couldn't. They are what they are.

Maybe I just didn't try hard enough or something. OTOH, I guess, to some extent, if I could take that stuff & use it to evolve a new me, then I guess I presumably couldn't be diagnosed as having a mental illness to begin with. At least that's my thought.

I think if a person has a mental illness... why would anyone expect that they would be able to take a class or chit-chat with a therapist for an hour once a week or once a month & they'd be cured? Were that to happen, I guess my thought would be that they probably weren't that bad off to begin with!

There's always somebody out there with some slick cure for what ails us. Just think positive, just exercise more, just change your diet, go shopping, etc. (YouTube is full of this stuff.) I once ran across a saying: "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it." Blah, blah, blah... Maybe I'm just crazy. Oh... I think that's it!

Geez... never mind my diatribe. I do get excited. I hope you're doing well, H3rmit! Thanks again!

Hello Kelly: Thanks for commenting on my post! The book "Wherever You Go, There You Are" was written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. Jon is the founder, essentially, of the mindfulness meditation movement. I say "essentially" because the whole idea really started with the Buddha centuries ago!

But Jon took Buddhist principles & applied them to working with people who were struggling with intractable chronic pain. As it went along, the idea of mindfulness, or living in the present moment, spread to working with all sorts of people including people who have no particular problems at all but just want to learn how to live a calmer life.

I've read most of Jon's books & participated in a couple of mindfulness meditation seminars over the years. I'm about as thoroughly familiar with the precepts of mindfulness as it's possible to be, short of being a mindfulness meditation teacher, I would guess. There are many videos on YouTube of talks Jon has given over the years. I have 2 playlists of these talks on my YouTube channel. You can access them if you're interested. My YouTube user name is Naonunai.

I also have a playlist of videos by the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm. There are also many videos on YouTube of talks he's given. The videos in my playlist are the ones where he addresses specifically issues related to mental health. He was born in England but now lives in Australia. He has a rather "wry" sense of humor which I love!

The idea behind "wherever you go, there you are" is simply that the past is gone & the future cannot be predicted. So the only time we really have is now. So wherever you go all you really have is where you are at that moment. It's essentially the same notion taught by Eckhart Tolle I believe, although I'm less familiar with him.

Another person I very much like who is more-or-less in the same vein is Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist nun. There are also many videos on YouTube of talks she's given. I don't have a playlist of her talks on my channel. But I plan to assemble one soon because I keep referring to her both on PC & on YouTube.

So ask me, with all of this mindfulness experience I have, why I'm throwing in the towel & deciding to rely on med's from now on. Well... that's a good question! One answer is, as Pema Chodron has observed: "enlightenment", or perhaps you might say "deep peace" is a journey, not a destination. Secondly, I recall once, many years ago, reading a comment by an Indian mystic who said that some people's lives are just so difficult that the reality is they must wait for their next incarnation to seek enlightenment. All they can do in this life is to try to position themselves as best they can for that next incarnation. Personally, I don't believe in reincarnation. But I do think that there is a valid point there. Enlightenment, or deep peace, or equanimity, or whatever you want to call it is enigmatic. It is a scalpel, not a hatchet. My personal experience has been that it is just too delicate ( for lack of a better term) to break through all of the layers of depression & anxiety I have. At least that has been my experience.

Hello Bedobones, I'll cut thru all the stuff you've tried. Therapy didn't do very much for me...

Back to the meds. I've taken lamictal for 12yrs & it's worked really well for me. I'm no spring chicken either (55) and have tried different meds.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Takes a while to work up to your dosage so be patient.
If it works consider it a gift, not a surrender.
Let us know how you're doing.
Take care.

Haha, never heard that one before. Makes sense though doesn't it.

I've been on a vicious cycle for years. Go on medication, go to therapy, go to doctor. Stop going to doctor, stop going to therapy, stop medication. All at different times in different order.

To be honest I am beginning to question whether the therapy is helping too. I mean yeah, it's good to have someone to vent to. But after sitting there watching their deadpan faces seem unamused while you tell your life story for the fiftieth time in a row it's kind of pointless and frustrating.

The meds on the other hand, they either work or they don't. If they work it can stave off the suicidal thoughts and keep you on a somewhat even note.

I am certainly not trying to tell anyone what do to, but I can definitely understand your reasons for deciding this. I wish you the best of luck!

Sticking with this plan is going to be the challenge. I've been here before & it ultimately led to my either going off med's entirely or to a suicide attempt. I'd have to say that I don't like this. But, from this vantage point it seems like the best solution. Hopefully I can stick with it.

I could not have said it better!