I know we don't diagnose.....
I am looking for direction or advice.

My wife and I split up last year. We lost big in the real estate crash. I had to get part time work to make extra money. I was under tremendous stress. I was severly depressed, anxious, and had what my T and Pdoc agree was a manic period or episode. I did lots of stupid things (stopped paying all of our bills, drank, was always on edge, got a girlfriend on an adult role play site) and really hurt my family. Once my wife found out, we started fighting alot. She was hurt and I didnt really care because I was hurting too and my feelings didnt seem to mean $#it to her.

So after therapy, meds, self help, and research, I have made good progress and a nice rebound.

We remain separated and headed for divorce. I pay alimony and child support. I love my daughter dearly and would do anything for her. My ex is just my ex now....I have lost any and all feelings for her.

See I was working my tail off close to 95 hours a week, 7 days a week, for over 90 days. I was tired and stressed but doing it all for my family. I wanted to make my wife proud and see that her man would do anything for her.

Instead all she did was ask why there wasnt enough money for this or for that...we lived WELL beyond our means and I was playing catch up all the time. One day I came home from one of my 4 part time jobs (I had 2 regular 40hour full time jobs) and looked at my daughter realizing I hadnt spent much time with her in 3 months and just said...enough...I quit.
I only worked my one 40 hour job and then worked my part time jobs 3 of the 4 weekends so I could be with my daughter that I loved so much, who loves her daddy so much!

This did not go over well with my spouse, who wanted to know what I was going to do for more money....and I told her if she wanted more money then go get it yourself. I quit.
The mortgage payments were not being made, and all the credit card payments were not being made, but all the utilities were paid and we had food and transportation, our daughter had her activities, and I got to see her.
My wife worked with BofA for almost 3 years trying to get our mortgage modified/refied but it was all smoke and mirrors and lies....BofA had NO intention of helping us!!!
Finally we started fighting every single day...couldnt stand the site of each other. Our daughter suffered, and my wife took her to a hotel for a few days to get her away and so we could stop the fighting (in person, now we fought over the phone and texts).

I was angry and hurt (and in the middle of a manic episode) and moved out. I took my stuff and said the heck with ya! You dont need me, dont want me, all you want is what I can provide...dont need my love, nor my companionship, heck with ya!

Fast forward...I got help and my ex TOLD ME I was making good progress...she was proud of me...she could see the difference, our daughter could see the difference...and I had a change come over me. I realized all I did to hurt them and I began doing anything I could to help them. My ex and I had child care mapped out and we still did activities together, schoodl functions....and I started dropping the hints about reconciling.

I understand how I hurt her and that she wants nothing to do with me now. We are friends and co parents of this awesome 7 year old piece of heaven. Our daughter is amazing!

(I am getting to it I promise)

So they are moving into a new house not 1/4 mile from her school...a VERY nice rental home...and money is tight...and I helped out all I could...I painted my daughters room, painted the family room, moved furniture, cut grass, helped with yard sale.
So then today she goes and gets a UHAUL truck and gets declined at the register. Her card was declined. Damn that sucks....I have already given her all the money I could have...and she had a meltdown. She told ME it was MY FAULT...that once again I let her be humiliated and didn't come to her assistance. She unloaded on me, cussed me, told me what a POS I was for leaving her, drove like a maniac right to our old house and screamed at me in the car infront of the house we sold to someone else! Told me she gave me the best years of her life! Then she told me to get the hell away from her, to get off HER property and never set foot on it again (after I had spent a couple weeks there working already).

So I came back here to my place, cried for a bit, then dried my tears and realized I just dont care what happens to her any longer. I have not one shred of care. I made mistakes...I did...I hurt her...I did....but geeze I wasn't even looking for any credit...just wanted to help out with the move.

She is still moving totes and junk all by herself right now. I hope she can do it...she was so ANGRY at me...and I no longer care.

So am I heartless? POS? Or what? Go ahead...if you think I am an assshold then say so. You can't possibly say anything more hateful to me than my ex already has.

Sorry for the long explanation...but its complicated and I am no readers digest condensed version writer.

[Leed]

No, you are NOT all those horrible things you said. My God, working 90 hours a week? Now, I'm sure you realize that you two COULD have lived a simpler life, without all the bells and whistles that you had, so you didn't go into such debt. I always wanted much more than I had, but I WAS much happier without all that DEBT too! Trouble is, now that my husband has died, I've had to charge more than I've wanted and Im struggling to pay off a $4,000 credit card on Social Security and a Pension. But, I'll survive.

Back to you ~ Your wife SHOULD have tried harder to help you pay for all these extras that SHE WANTED. If they were so darn important to her, she should have gotten a 2nd job! Since YOU were working 4 JOBS, why on earth couldn't SHE work more than ONE?? Is she SPECIAL or something? Evidently SHE thought so!

No, I don't blame you. You WERE wrong for the affair -- nothing allows you to do that in a marriage, as those vows are just that -- VOWS. But that's over and done with. She wouldn't go to marriage counseling with you? That's HER bad. Obviously, she was afraid of what she'd hear.

I'm glad you're in therapy. I'm sure it will do you a lot of good, my friend. You've been thru a lot. I've been thru therapy too, during an abusive marriage, and believe me it worked. Stay in therapy -- you'll be glad you did.

At least try to stay civil with the ex for the sake of your precious daughter. NEVER trade harsh words with your ex in front of your daughter -- you have NO idea what effect it will have on her. My parents fought ALL the time in front of my sisters and me, and it followed me into adulthood and made a complete MESS of me. But of course my parents were both alcoholics too. Just stay civil, ok?

Best of luck to you my friend. And remember, you're a good person! Please take care of YOU. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[H3rmit]

This last blowup just happened today. Big series of dramas. Perhaps you are still a bit numb from it all. You may or may not feel differently about her later, but it sounds like this last was her drama and you really did nothing wrong, rather the opposite. I'd be pretty mad at her, probably, but I can see being coldly numb for quite a while as well. Any number of possible reactions, but no need to judge yourself for any of them.

((((Spirit)))) you are a good person. This is not about you. I agree with the other members.

Please try to go easy on yourself. Try not to let your ex's hurtful words get to you. She is a grown woman. She does indeed have 50% parenting responsibility to your daughter. That is where the buck stops with you two...to provide as stable, caring, present, fruitful life for your beautiful daughter as possible.

It is up to her to act like an adult and provide for herself and taking care of herself and her needs and wants. It is not your reaponsibility to take care of her. It is her own. You are not her parent. You don't owe her anything.

You have beat yourself up long enough for your mistakes. Forgive yourself. What happened was horrible and painful but in the past now. And you are working so hard to heal and move forward.

Your responsibility is to love and be there as much as possible for your daughter. And the same goes for you. Be kind, loving and good to yourself. For those that cannot behave properly and treat you with respect, set boundaries and stick with them.

Your ex can take care of her own shyte. Dont let her manipulate you and take her reckless and irresponsible behavior anger out on you.

You did nothing wrong. I hope you will begin to see this when the dust settles. If not for anything else tonight, remind yourself that you have taken the high road and that is all you can do. The rest of it, that is someone else and on them. They have to look at themself in the mirror.

Bunches of hugs to you, Rose

Thanks for the responses.
I did feel as though I did nothing wrong, that this was all her own drama and not mine.
These types of things happened in our marriage too, with the same outcome....she blamed me for not coming to her rescue.
Yes, I am numb but also not accepting responsibility for this. I bet her friends and family dont agree.
No matter, I am moving on. I have work and bills and a daughter who needs her daddy.

[Thunder Bow]

Divorce "Her" stay away from "Her". She seems to be emotionally immature and Toxic. Take care of yourself.