DPD... how do I like me?

I don't know how to begin... so I'll just jump right in. I can't get a hold of my own thoughts and feelings. I always allow others to tell me what I think and feel... most of the time I don't know what I feel... other than fear and anxiety. My friend helped me take a test and found that I'm 82% DPD... that meant I have Dependent Personality Disorder. So, I read up on it soon after and found that yes... that described me and my actions and feelings towards others... I find it intimidating when having to do things on my own. I feel helpless and rely on others for most things. Especially emotionally. I need someone to need me or else I feel useless... like I have no purpose in life... other than to be needed. But here's the kicker... no matter how bad it gets I keep relying on whomever it is to be there. Even if that person treated me badly. This is how it was in a past relationship. I was a dog that had been kicked and yet always came back for more. In fact if I hadn't been kicked then I felt unloved. In the back of my mind I didn't want it, but yet I asked for it time and time again. Makes it sound so pathetic... I'm not ranting so that people will feel sorry for me... no way. I allowed this to happen on purpose so I don't deserve pity for the results. All I want to know is how do I prevent this from happening again? How do I cope with the current relationships I have with friends and with those I find myself "clinging" to... I'm a clinger... hang on for dear life even if it means giving up my own. I used to believe I was empathetic... but really I adopt the other persons views just so there isn't a confrontation... that shows how much I run away from fights or anything that may disrupt the peace I've conjured up in my mind. There's only one person I refuse to cling to... and that's myself. I've never relied on myself or my own decisions to guide me. I don't trust me. I can't make the right decision if my life depended on it.

So... how do I do it? How do I change my perception of myself? How do I make me a better person in my own eyes? How do I feel confident with my decisions? How do I even start to LIKE myself? Everyone says that I have to love myself... but how the hell am I supposed to do THAT? You see that's the problem... I'm told I HAVE to do this... yet I'm never told HOW! How???? My therapist said a while back ago, she'd give me coping skills... it's already past our 4th session... I'm going to request a new therapist... she probably doesn't realize I'm dependent on other people... whatever... I'm angry now because I don't know what to do... frustrated... at least I can label how I feel for the moment... that's a step in the right direction. I just don't feel like I'm doing this right...

AinigmaRoja, nice to meet you. First of all, I like your avatar (Pinky) and your signature (Kerouac). Good stuff. I'm sorry that you're so frustrated. It's hard when we can't seem to break a negative pattern. Maybe if you printed out your post and take it to the therapist and read it to her, then she might understand a bit more. Sometimes therapist really miss the mark - not that they try to. Some people use written positive affirmations taped to their bathroom mirror, fridge, or wherever you can see them everyday.

First of all, I would suggest you go easy on yourself (I know that's easier said than done, tho). If it's feasible, I would try to see what type of counseling you can get. In the meantime, I would do as much research as possible; libraries often have pretty good stuff on personality disorders, and there's a lot of stuff you can find online. And remember, that this stuff takes times and you won't get better over nite--so try to take things one day at a time.

P.S. Here are a couple of websites I like:

www.getselfhelp.co.uk
www.psychologytools.org

They have a lot of things you can print out, like worksheets and stuff.

Yes, you have to make friends with yourself and you do that the same way you meet/make friends with anyone, you talk to them, get to know them, and, with yourself, don't judge (because it's you; you're doing your best for yourself as that's all there is in your world; you can't control anyone else, you can only give over your own control to others).

I asked friends I trusted (primarily my husband) what they liked about me, why they were friends with me and they told me about my sense of humor, my ability to understand various things/people/situations (my perspective?), my honesty (actually, that's one thing I like) and I like my creativity, imagination, and learned to like my whackyness/sense of whimsy/"mistakes".

Practice spending time alone and you will get better at knowing you and relying on you; it is much harder when others are around. I did a lot of novel reading and paid attention to characters I like and what that said about me. I thought about subjects I liked in school and why (what I might have inherited from my ancestors, like my love of history) and looked at aptitudes I have (I'm a good "navigator"/don't get lost/can follow directions), have a good memory, etc. I just took stock of myself over time and then looked for the good stuff and learned from the mistakes/harder stuff I didn't quite like.

Make it your job/goal/project/interest to get to know yourself.

Labeling yourself is a step in the wrong direction. Just 4 meetings with a Therapist is not enough to even begin to understand any thing!

Public self pity and self put downs don't work with me. Because you are so sharply aware that you think you are a "Clinger" and have 84.1103% "DPD". Means you already know how to Heal your self. You know what you need to work on. But I am left wondering how much of that is BS.

Negative nature of your post about yourself does invite a "Kick Me" repose. That's for sure. But "Kick Me" is an easy game to let go of. If you are "Clinging" to any thing, it is Kick Me.

Now it is time for you to be a Warrior, and be a Proud one at that!