How do I get better? How do I DO it???

I’m losing it. Completely and totally losing it. And I am so scared. It’s getting worse everyday. I call the stupid number I’m supposed to call and I talk to someone for 30 minutes and I calm down some, and then within 15 minutes of hanging up I am getting all anxious again. They don’t tell me what I can do. They just sit there and say “uh huh, yes, I see how that would be frustrating, are you remembering to breathe?” It doesn’t help.

Today I finally went to see a professional. I hated it. It made me stick to my stomach. I hate the stigma. I hate that I saw a half dozen people I knew as I walked in and now they all know and will hate me and won’t want their kids to be friends with my kids. But **** I did it and I went in and now I have to wait 12-16 weeks because there is a back log and I can not afford private care. I can not wait that long. I need help now. I can go and see a doc and get medicated up but that won’t solve anything. I am so terrified of what will be left by the time I can finally see anyone. I used to be upset and angry and lash out, which the guy today says is all signs of major depression, but lately the anxiety is out of control too. He didn’t tell me what to do about that! Just told me it was part of depression.

I do all these things and I can’t stop myself. Like my control is gone, ruled by emotion, I get so panicked and consumed like right now that I can think things through but I can’t execute. And it scares me, it scares me so bad because what if I never get better? Its getting worse and worse and worse and how am I supposed to make it better with no one helping me? and I cry and I cry and my heart is constantly racing so bad, that my head is constantly pounding, and that can’t be good and I can’t stop it. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I can’t see what is enjoyable. Or if I do, I think I don’t deserve it. I don’t even know where to start on turning my head around, and I need to or I will drown. I don’t go 5 minutes without these thoughts running through my head and alternately wanting to cry, or lash out, or start a fight, or beat myself up. People in my life have just left. Others are leaving. I can’t get them back if I don’t fix myself. I have to fix myself before it is too late and I’m all alone. I’m already all alone because I can’t talk to them anymore or they will leave so I spend my days sitting by myself, desperately wanting to reach out, knowing that even one kind word might help ground me, but if I do it I will likely lose those people forever. Now part of that is I can’t seem to reach out normally, right now its all these panicked messages and thoughts running rampant and lashing out and I can’t stop.

I don’t know what to do. I need something to do. I need a direction to go in, something to do, something to try. I need someone to tell me something that works. To explain to me how to do these seemingly easy things. I need someone to tell me how to be normal, because I am so, so sick of being like this. I hate myself for being like this, the self loathing, the embarrassment, the shame, the feelings of worthlessness I can’t stand to be around myself like this, yet a part of me still thinks my normal self is in here, I just can’t find her! How do I get back? How do I do this??? Because right now my mind is racing a hundred miles a second and I can’t slow it down, I don’t know how to slow it down and what if this is all there is for me? what if it never gets better? I NEED IT TO GET BETTER, but how do I do that??

I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed! It's really tough sometimes, and confusing as anything.

No one can really tell you how to get better - but congratulations on taking the first step by going to see a professional! If anyone that you saw there knows you and asks about why you were there - was it specifically a mental health place? If so, they were there for something too! And if not, then they have no idea what you were there for

I'm a huge advocate of routine and goals. Set yourself a daily routine (start by writing down what routine you already have). Take a look at what's missing from this routine. Are you taking care of yourself properly? Have you included time to take care of your body's health, and have you included time to relax and do something that you find (or used to find!) enjoyable? Do you have time included in your routine to do your house chores and errands?

Once you have your routine of what you DO already... then you can start by making out your ideal routine that includes everything.

Then start to pick one of those things and work on including it every day. Once you find that it's successfully included in your routine then add another one of them and try to get it in there all the time. If the first one doesn't work out (and really now, give yourself at least a few weeks to get it in there!) then switch and try a different one.

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions.

As for my fear of seeing people I know, its not that they are there for treatment. It's a public health building so encompasses a few options - but really the only reason people go is for new baby help, children's needles, etc, and for mental health. The people I see there are not there for treatment, they work there. I don't know them well, but their kids to go school with my kids etc. Not really confidential, and I'm afraid it will lead them to disclude my kids later on. "Oh no, don't invite that kid to your birthday party". *Thinks to self: Her parent is crazy* kind of thing.

As for adding things into my schedule, I think I may have the opposite problem. I need to keep busy, I don't want any time for my brain to rest because then it races. Keep going, keep going, distraction, distraction. I will take a look though at my routine and see what I can do to balance it better, that is a good idea, thank you.

That might be what you need to change in your routine :P You're leaving out time to relax! That is a very important thing to do, even if you have to schedule it in. Because you're right: balance is key!

I get the worry about the stigma and about gossip. I'm a teacher and working in a rather small-town community. I've been VERY worried about word getting around about things... and I'm pretty much refusing to talk to anyone until I know what their qualifications are, because I am way too worried about it getting around.

You think it'd be bad to have your child excluded (which would be horrid and sad!) so imagine it as a teacher and having parents spread the word that the teacher (might) have bipolar! That would make my life.... extremely complicated and awkward.

CheshireCat Grin that was a nice and informative answer to ReddSN!!! I can relate to her, i've been through all of her symptoms and came out a better and stronger person for it. A routine kept me busy, but also I ended up to the point where i could volunteer at a nursing home a day a week. Now i am trying to do some different things to volunteer for,to help the elderly, as that is my passion. if you love to do something, try to get in a part time job or such, Iknow it is baby steps but the turn into grand strides if you try, i don't know if you're up enough to try this but baby steps are the way to go, one day or moment in time would help. keep your head up and find something you love to do, have a happy day, i hope i've helped.

Maybe sit down and write a list of some things you do not mind doing for someone as a volunteer person; take some time out to do some of these things for them and probably you will feel better about yourself. Good luck to you!

I hear ya, I'm in the same profession myself!

Stupid stigma!

Maybe seeing a regular MD and starting medication would help, while you wait 12-16 weeks for your appt.
Medication can help relieve your symptoms and give a chance to think rationally.
I suffer from severe anxiety/panic and well aware of what the mind can do. Medication may be just a band aid, but it can help you calm down and feel a bit better.
Please give it some thought, you don't have to feel this way everyday.

I can relate to everything I have major depression,PTSD,PCS,Major panic and anxiety.I refused medication for a year until I got all my diagnosis.Before I got all the diagnosis all I did was read self-help books and my body was going into muscle spasms all over upper body and face.My neurologist told me "do you want to stay alive"?I said yes then he said get to a psychiatrist and a psychologist ASAP.I did and my psychiatrist got me my 2 meds on first try.I take an antidepressant low dosage and a medication for anxiety/panic.It has saved my life!I never took anything like these medications so I was against it until I surrendered to survival.I still have a few bad moments in a week but I keep pushing threw.It is nowhere near how I was before.I agree with Jolisse that you might want to try to take medication into consideration.And there is a great book I recommend called "You Can Heal Your Life" By Louise L.Hay.I also go to acupuncture that has helped with happy moods.If you can find a acupuncturist that offers "community works" it is cheap and worth the try.I wish you the best and please consider alternatives to help you.

Thank you everyone.

I did go to the doc today and he gave me some meds. In a way I'm excited to try them because I want to feel better so badly. On the other hand I'm terrified. I've had bad side effects on ssri before, and I dont want to go through that again. I also know it will get even worse before better and the medication takes a long time to be effective. Maybe I'm better off sticking it out if its just going to make me sick and worse for a while.