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  #1  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 12:28 AM
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Lunatrope Lunatrope is offline
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Just what the subject line says.. In short, I have absolutely never experienced anger or rage (that I can recall). I do remember one time being so mad I wanted to hit something.. but by the time I got the opportunity to do so, I was already reduced to a puddle of tears and this took place in all of ten minutes. (The tears, however, lasted 45 mins at the very least.) So I guess I remember being angry once.. but that's it.

Even now, going through divorce, dealing with the fact I feel I have no one I can trust enough to open up to because not only am I losing my marriage of ten years, but I also had a friend of nearly 20 years literally turn their back on me.... even though my estranged husband and his family are trying to take my daughter away from me... I have no anger.

It's like.. it doesn't exist. I just feel hurt.. and all the emotions associated with hurt. And I wish I felt anger because anger is pure. It's crisp. It's motivating...

But I feel none of that. I'm told it's unhealthy. That ALL emotions should be felt and dealt with accordingly. But I'm starting to worry that somehow I have mastered the art of burying my anger and since I can't find it, I have no idea how I am going to deal with it if/when it decides to erupt.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone having the same issues with a 'negative' emotion?
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  #2  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 01:51 AM
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optimize990h optimize990h is offline
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You should consider that one of the processes you are experiencing is grieving over the loss of the marriage. The different stages of grieving are individual for each person. There is no set order or time limit or expected emotions. It varies among the individuals. This might be something to consider. Please check out this link: Grief and Loss - Forums at Psych Central
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  #3  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 03:21 AM
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Lunatrope Lunatrope is offline
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Yes but... it's not just the divorce. This is a life-long thing. No anger... ever. I'm almost 37. I should have had some anger by now, I would think. But I will check the link. Thank you.
  #4  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 06:43 AM
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possum220 possum220 is offline
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I have been told that anger is not so much a feeling but more of a reaction. Anger is the force that protects us from hurt and other feelings.

Having said that I was never allowed to express anger as a child so I put the away and it went away for decades. Now I know when I feel anger it means I am hurt over something, and it probably isnt that the milk that boiled over in the microwave.

People's emotions move at a different pace. What is right for you will unfold when the time is right. You can't make yourself feel something that isn't there.
Thanks for this!
Lunatrope
  #5  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 09:43 AM
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Lunatrope Lunatrope is offline
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I suppose you are right.. I just don't want the worry that someday an idle threat will be made to my daughter (who is only 9) and I will turn into ballistic mom and have a 'red-out', wake up in the hospital (or worse, jail) and have no clue as to what happened, why I am there and/or if i harmed another person. That thought alone scares me.
  #6  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 10:42 AM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Anger is one of the secondary emotions. Usually something else is going on (we feel something valuable to us is, has been, could be taken from us and we go on high alert to marshal our forces to stop it, get it back, make sure we retain it/lodge a protest).

People think feeling anger is the expression of wanting to hit something/someone or other "violent" action (screaming/yelling) but that's not what it's for. It's a motivator so we enter into discussion with the "enemy" and ourselves and rally our forces, etc. :-)

You talk about being "so mad you wanted to hit something" but you do not mention what the problem was! It's the problem that has to be solved, not the feeling.

Feeling hurt is the base feeling; your estranged husband and his family are trying to take your daughter from you. How dare they????!!!! (that's the anger).

If you give yourself good self esteem, the anger becomes obvious and not a problem. Your daughter is yours too, your husband and especially your husband's family have no right to your "half" (at least) of your daughter. Your husband's family should get their ugly noses out of your business, too; that's an egregious boundary crossing into your and your husband's business. He may like it okay that they are in his but you don't want them in yours I don't think?

Usually all interpersonal problems contain some anger somewhere. Problems can be simple misunderstandings, and one needs to make sure that is what they are/are not first, before deciding on what actions to take to correct the problem. But the "Ouch! That's hurts!" that's our expression of anger. We start asking questions, "Why'd you do that? That hurt!" and hopefully they do the, "I'm so sorry! It was an accident, what can I do to help/make it up?" or, "It wasn't me, it was Henry over there" (and you go over and confront Henry).

Sometimes we get hurt and we try to blame others when we have allowed ourselves to get hurt or when the problem is ours, not the other person like we'd "like" it to be. Our feelings are ours, we are in charge of us and what we do about what we think and feel.

As with just about everything; we learn how to respond with/to our feelings as we are growing up; both by watching/experiencing those around us who care for us and by trying actions out ourselves and evaluating the response we get.

If Mommy yells when we get angry/frustrated at her, we might think the lesson is to not verbalize our anger or frustration; if Daddy handles our anger or frustration differently, we might learn to do things a couple of ways but think the lesson is about different people getting different treatment; we can verbalize our anger to Daddy but not to Mommy and we learn a false pattern for speaking our "truth" (only do it to people who are "nice"); as you see now, your husband and his family are not playing nice but you aren't standing up for yourself as an adult and looking for the resources and help to "make" them respect you.

Mostly it is about focus. You know how when you point, a cat will look at your finger? That is sort of what happens when someone says, "You hurt me!" Instead of looking at their hurt and how it happened/why they are hurting in their lives and how to correct things so they don't get hurt that way again, they focus on the other person, trying to get the other person to act in some way. Not happening. The other person can't know what will/will not hurt us/how we'll respond, is not in charge of how we feel, we are. They have their own hands full with their own emotions, thoughts, and actions. Everyone; good guys, bad guys, mediocre guys :-) scared and anxious guys, angry guys, you guys and me guys, everyone; wants what they individually want, not what someone else wants; you can't want what someone else wants, you can only want what you want and it is your job to figure out what that is and to try to get it.

Sometimes (often?) people want the same things and can work together and sometimes they want the same things (your daughter) and it's a "fight"/angry interaction. But unless you want to cry all the time, you have to decide you want to fight for your daughter, not let her just be taken from you and that requires thinking, planning, getting together a good legal team and others to help you so what you want isn't just "given" to someone else because you did not verbally express that want and follow your words/thinking/planning (part of verbal expression; you have to be able to articulate/state what you want before you can figure out how to work to get it).

Yes, pain requires tears but that's not all it requires. Just "giving up" doesn't help keep the pain away. You will keep getting hurt unless you do something to close up the problems causing the hurt.
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Thanks for this!
growlithing, Lunatrope
  #7  
Old Jul 06, 2013, 01:23 PM
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Lunatrope Lunatrope is offline
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This does clear things up for me a little. I have plans to "fight back" and will be looking into lawyers next week. I have the focus.. mainly because I know I have to do something. And I am really, really trying to be mad/angry at my husband but I love him so much that for some reason I can't find it in me. (Seriously. I have looked. I just got out of a Mental Health Behavioral Unit after 12 days of group therapy 3 times a day and I still can't find the anger... all I find are questions and realizations that how people act/react are beyond my control.) I'm not giving up.. (I thank the hospitalization for that).. I just can't find the anger. Especially because my husband is still being as nice as possible. Saying and even showing, that he deeply cares for me... he just doesn't want to me married to me.. (and wants full custody of course). I feel like I am getting mixed messages to a degree, I guess. And I love him very, very much. And I know that there is supposed to be that thin line between love and hate and maybe there is something wrong with me that I don't see it and that's why I can't even get angry over this? (Even his parents are "nice" to me and he claims they are worried about what will happen to me after this is all over... I am very, very confused.)
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  #8  
Old Jul 09, 2013, 04:29 PM
Arha Arha is offline
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Would it help to think through a hypothetical situation where you might get angry? I think a situation that is not tied up with or complicated by any historical events might be best.
Say, picture you running late for an appointment and someone took your park, or grabbed a taxi you had ordered, how would you react? A little anger is OK and natural. Imagine yourself seeing this happen and if you can't picture yourself angry, go back to really basic reactions, like a cat or dog would if you took their food: do a mini snarl or growl, frown, then you've expressed it and can move on to looking for another park/taxi...
  #9  
Old Jul 10, 2013, 12:34 AM
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bluecupcake bluecupcake is offline
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You should see a therapist so that you can get in touch with your anger emotions so that they don't erupt and put yourself in an undesirable situation.

I am in touch with my anger. When I''m angry I tell the person off and we have a heated argument. It doesn't lead to a physical alteration because although I'm angry and giving the person a piece of my mind I do it in a cool, calm, collected manner. I refrain from profanity and threats. But I do tell them point blank that they have aroused my ire and that I don't appreciate it.

Like was posted earlier, you're going through the stages of grief. Anger will most certainly manifest itself for you in the process of healing. But if you have never expressed anger, you may possibly act out in an undesirable fashion that isn't healthy and conducive.

I always found that when my ire is aroused to confront the offender and let them no in no small terms that they have wronged me and I seek restitution, may it be an apology, damage control, etc.

Anger can be channeled properly. It seems because you've buried your anger so deep all your life, you may indeed erupt. Because of that I highly recommend therapy and group therapy daily. I was in this day program for six months where I met for group sessions/classes every week day. You get to pick and choose your classes. Anger management was one of the classes offered, but I didn't sign up for it.

When going through a crisis like divorce, I think it's beneficial to surround yourself with supportive people going through similar circumstances. When you finally make that an appointment with a therapist, I hope he/she recommends group therapy for you. And sign up for the anger management class.

I'm surprised that after you left the hospital they didn't already assign you a doctor and therapist. They normally don't let people leave without setting that up. They stress after-care immensely. They normally don't let you walk out without taking care of your post-treatment.

I give you credit for being able to live in the same house as your estranged husband under these circumstances. I probably wouldn't be able to do that, no matter how nice he was being to me. But I guess for the sake of your child, it is good to have a facade of normalcy.

I get angry, but it's controlled anger. I say my peace and move on. Expressing anger is human nature, but it has to be controlled.

Anyway, I encourage you to make an appointment with a therapist so that you can start talking about your issues, including the inability to get in touch with your anger.

I recently read about a girl who was angry and depressed because she suffers from a debilitating illness. She was so full of rage. She found an outlet by breaking sticks of wood against a tree. She said it was liberating.

When I'm angry I confront the offender and tell them how they wronged me. Sometimes I may raise my voice if they are not receptive.

The negative emotion I have issues with is crying. I'm not much of a crier. I'm usually in warrior mode when someone tries to victimize me.

Best of luck, Luntarope.
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  #10  
Old Jul 10, 2013, 01:39 AM
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growlithing growlithing is offline
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For me, I repress my angry feelings like it's my job. I'll write a rant and when I reread it days later, I can see it's excessively profane and angry but while writing it, I don't process it as anger. I don't process it at all. I used to say I never get angry, but I'm coming to realize that I'm never not angry. I just for whatever reason can't recognize it. Probably because I wasn't allowed to be angry as a kid.
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