[MotownJohnny]

I've tried to be really proactive and really turn things around in the past year.

But, having been sent to a partial hospital program last year for a couple of weeks just destroyed my self esteem.

Honestly, I have told several people, including my therapist and new psychiatrist (not the one who sent me to the program), that I don't think I would feel any lower if I had committed a crime like rape or murder. Harsh, I know, but being brutally honest, it's how I feel. Like this somehow makes me beyond redemption, both in my own mind, and in the eyes of people if they some day find out this information about my past.

And, that is always there in the back of my mind, no matter how many good things I have done in my life since then. And, it hurts.

I never was "in trouble" in any way in my life, not legal trouble, not financial trouble, no substance abuse, no addictions, nothing like that. I was always the good boy who did what he was told, towed the line, did what people wanted of him, worked hard and put aside any sense of self, really.

Now, I am living for myself, and loving it. Except for this enormous sense of shame, guilt, and despair that, no matter what I do, I will always be the guy who spent time in a psych program, even if it was technically outpatient.

And, I know, this is a horrible attitude to have -- brings up every bad bit of stereotype and stigma out there.

How can I shake this? Is there hope? I just want to be at peace with this -- I know I can't forget, but can I forgive myself?

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. The Day Program helps a lot of people including me. I'm sorry you have such low veiw of yourself just because you were in day treatment. You need to let go of this shame and guilt, it will only cause you grief in the future. You probably want like my suggestion but I would consider counseling to help overcome this. If you are still holding on to so much pain for this long it might help. Wishing you the best. Wish I had a better answer for you.
Gayle

[kaliope]

the stigma of living with mental illness is difficult to overcome. I know when I was committed against my will, they put me in handcuffs to ride in the police car. I was escorted out of the building in handcuffs in front of all the other patients in the clinic. it was terribly shameful. I questioned what I had done so bad that I had to wear handcuffs. it was just a silly rule that impacted me greatly. but being locked up was the first step in accepting that I was truly ill and needed to do something about it...taking meds. I am no successfully on meds and see life completely differently. I look at my time in the hospital as time I took to take care of myself, nurture myself, take a break so I could gain skills to get better. a necessary step in getting better because I couldn't do it on my own. I see it as a positive thing. I couldn't be where I am today if I weren't there back then. I hope you can come to peace with you past.

I think I know where you're coming from. The stigma of mental illness is bad when it's applied to anyone. I may get some disagreement about this but I think it's different for a man.
Particularly in some cultures. It may sound sexist but most men perceive MI as a weakness and an almost unforgivable weakness in other men. It is but only in the manner that any debilitating illness is. I have a nephew who is paralyzed from the neck down from a diving injury. He perceives it as a weakness. I think he's incredibly strong and brave. Maybe the key is in the individual perception?
Even men like us who have had MH issues perceive it as a weakness in ourselves even if we wouldn't put that stigma on other men. My friends never made me feel weak or stigmatized and neither did most of my family. They were sympathetic and disappointed because the illness held me back from accomplishing the big things we expected me to accomplish. Only a few people looked down on it as a weakness. Most of those thoughts of weakness and stigma came from within. As yours seems to.
I still deal with it so I'm afraid I can't give you any great advice. Don't give up hope though.

[avlady]

kaliope i couldn't have said it better!!!

[MotownJohnny]

Thank all of you for your replies. I very much appreciate them. The past year of my life has been... Surreal is about the best word I can think of. If someone had told me back in May of 2012 what would happen in the following 14 months -- the triggering incident, my breakdown, misdiagnosis by a very problematic doctor as I found out after the fact, months wasted taking a drug that did nothing for my mental health but caused some very serious physical side effects, spending time in a day program very much against my will, having a great deal of fallout in all areas of my life -- I would honestly have told them they were either drunk or high. I just never saw myself as the kind of man who would "be in crisis" as it was referred to.

Which in itself is interesting. I certainly have learned a lot about MH/MI since all of this started. Stereotypes, stigma, and prejudices run rampant in society. George H, I am glad you made the comment about "perceive it as a weakness in ourself even if we wouldn't put that stigma on other men." Because I don't, at least I hope to God I don't. I went to this day program very much against my own will and better judgement, I did it because I caved, and I was truly afraid that if I said no, I would be getting that knock on the door from the cops at 3 am, or have them show up at work and drag me out of the building while 9 floors of office workers, hundreds of people, watched from the windows. My biggest priority at that point, in that second when my world turned upside down, became secrecy, cover-up.

And, I was told absolutely nothing about what the program entailed, what happened there, etc. I had almost 4 weeks from the day I was sentenced until the day I had to show up, and that just dramatically ramped up the anxiety. Showing up there the first day was rough - I felt like everyone was staring, and I honestly thought I might be searched, escorted by security, maybe even out in handcuffs or something. And, I honestly thought that I was going to be shot up with enough drugs to take down a rhino, so that all I could do was sit in a chair and drool on myself. I told the people running this program that I had no informed consent because I was never informed, and they were all "well, you should have gotten this, this, and this to read and sign ahead of time." Well, another systems failure there, guys.

So, to address something that Grayleggg alluded to - I have really mixed feelings about the day program. Hate the fact that this is always on my record, worry about what that information could do to me some day if became known. Went there terrified, AND with the attitude that I was basically a POW, held by the enemy, determined to resist in every way possible. Here's a large bit of my own preconceived prejudice/stereotype coming through - Thought I was going to be thrown in with street people, maybe felons or something, and I was literally worried about my physical safety. That I would see all manner of horrific things. That I was going to be locked in and at the mercy of the staff. I expected 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" - because that was my mental image from pop culture of a psychiatric ward.

So, when I calmed down after a day or so, it actually wasn't so bad, and was pretty eye-opening. One thing which surprised me - a lot of career people like me - bank loan officer, school teacher, an IT professional for a Fortune 50 company, a physical therapist, a retired Army Major, even an ordained minister. Several college kids. Also, no drugs to make you loopy or sedate. No locks - free to come and go, especially at breaks and lunch hour. So, first observation - "it" can happen to anyone from any walk of life.

When I finally dropped most of the attitude, I found out that group therapy really was valuable. Had an epic bad session on a Friday, which was all about me, I really broke down, a lot of stuff from the past came up, and it had a profound effect, made me fight again for myself. The guy who lead it was very good, and that must be a tough job, dealing with so much pain.

Definitely a weird experience.

[anneo59]

You do sound a little more upbeat on this last post, Motown Johnny, than on the first! Glad to see this. And clearly, you've gotten some great advice and support in this thread. Just keep moving forward and love yourself as you would a best friend. I'm currently looking for more research, reading on this subject, as I struggle with it, too. Sometimes don't cut myself enuff slack. But if you are results oriented at times, you can usu see the value of accepting yourself where you are and continuing to move forward. I do wish you the very best!!!!

[A Red Panda]

Motown: I have no problem with accepting that I have bipolar. I've basically known it for years.

I have a huge amount of trouble, however, with the idea of "getting help" because my brain insists that I should be able to get through it on my own. And truth be told, I've been lucky and have been quite successful with it. I've chosen to bite the bullet and put myself through my own he** because I think it will be beneficial for my students moreso than for myself.

At least to some degree, my reasonings go along with George's. I'm a female. Stereotypically females are seen as weak and emotional and unstable. It makes me feel worse knowing that I'm reinforcing sexist stereotypes by being a weak, emotional, and unstable woman. I'd rather not, because in every other way I am NOT weak and unstable, and I'm not overly emotional when I'm in a normal phase of my cycle. Mental Illness is viewed as a weakness by the majority of society, and it's hard to have to go along with it, even though we know it isn't a weakness. It just is.

I'm glad that you had your own stereotypes about mental illness corrected by attending. That's one less person who will think that everyone with mental illness is less than normal.

[Thunder Bow]

Be proud of yourself for following through with the Day Program. It takes much courage to do what you are doing. Many run away and make excuses. Honor yourself.