Crushes...I'm getting too old for this

I hate the feelings the come along with "crushes"—hopelessness, despair, emptiness, contempt...every new crush brings with it less of the happier feelings and more of the depressing ones.

I'm too old to be having crushes like a child—to spend all day thinking about this person and how it would be like to be in a relationship with them, about love and sex...which I know nothing about, again like a child.

I think about him until my mind struggles to conjure up his image. Maybe this is my mind telling me that I just need to forget before the crush goes deeper...before everything hurts even worse than it does now.

Adults should act on feelings of attraction and see if the other party is interested and either date or move on, right? But despite my age, I'm not an adult am I? I'm still 11, daydreaming about my first real crush. 14 years later, I've never really gotten older. What's even worse is that my first crush and my latest crush have the same name. It's a common enough name that it shouldn't bother me too much, but it just makes me sadder.

How do I stop having crushes like a child, and have them like an adult? How does one cope with all the horrible feelings that accompany having a crush on somebody? Seriously...I must feel far worse than the average person or the only adult to only get childlike crushes because if this were common, nothing in the world would ever get done.

I can totally relate!!! Yesterday I literally checked my phone every 10 minutes to see if a guy I was crushing on had texted me. By 7 pm I finally texted him and then he said a whole bunch of sweet stuff that sent me further down crush road. He sent me a song a few days ago and I listen to it over and over again. I let myself crush for the day but the next day I focused on what I had to do and hung out with a friend instead. The crushing is not all the way gone but it's much better than it usually is.

You have control of your thoughts, you can do it!

I'm glad you're able to control your thoughts.

This guy doesn't have my phone number yet...just my e-mail. Either way, neither him nor anyone else would send sweet things via texts.

I guess I'm kind of a moron to think that someone might like me just because they talk to me outside of rehearsal (we're both musicians).

All it takes is just a little more attention and someone acting like they don't mind me being around and then I like them. It's that easy to get me to like someone...and yet I've never been in a relationship.

I'm potentially interested in people of both genders and it's so easy to get me to like someone and I'm actually pretty now...and yet I'm STILL not someone anyone wants to date. Apparently no matter how pretty I am, it's still not easy for someone to like me. But then again, if I actually were pretty, wouldn't guys try to date me?

crushes are the nearest some of us get to having a relationship with someone we like these days. having a crush is far better than have no feelings in that department at all! as long as you know and understand it will only ever be just a crush then I see no wrong in that.

Personally, I'd rather not have any feelings. Then I could get on with my life and not feel so badly about myself. I think I'd have a much higher self-esteem if I never liked anyone.

But I understand what you're saying, and I'm glad that it works for you.

I also have trouble with dealing with knowing that every time I have feelings that it'll always only be a "crush", since no one likes me like that.

All of these feelings have just exploded into frustration and rage.

Why not me? I try to be the best person I can be and people who don't even try to be nice or good people get EVERYTHING. I'm sick of it. SICK of it.

I was already a negative, cynical @#$hole before, but this seals the deal…I don't even know what's next, nihilism?

Well, I guess the human race has gotten their wish…they've driven me away. Well, congratulations.

If I could ask a polite question....do you have a crush on yourself?
When you love yourself first it always shows...this shines through to people around you. You show an air off confidence and love for yourself that makes you attractive to others.

When you act in a tertiary manner in relationship, as with a crush, people will not believe you are seriously interested in engaging them. A crush is not a genuine desire for a relationship, but a fascination or admiration for someone. Don't you want a relationship as opposed to a crush?

How can I love someone who is so talented and has so much potential, but can't make money to support themselves? That's too lazy and scared to become rich and famous? That doesn't know what to do?

But it doesn't make sense either…many people (including my mom) have no confidence and end up being in relationships without trying at all and look at me and think I'm so sad…failing at both my career and my love life.

And if I express actual interest in someone, they get mad at me. It doesn't get me a relationship—it makes me look like a creeper. And yes I want a relationship.

I'm going to coffee with him this weekend though, so I suppose he doesn't think I'm a creep.

I think it should be easy for you, but understand where your coming from. I saw your blog and you are super talented too!

Think of your coffee date, as just that! A coffee date, getting to me someone new who may have the same interests. Don't push the relationship, let it take its course, if it is even to have a course. Be polite and kind and courteous as you are in your posts...if you don't feel that same reciprocating feeling back then...Okay I only spent a hour with xyz and a coffee date. If it does go nicely, maybe another coffee date. Try to open yourself up to the possibilities of a good healthy relationship and what that might look like to you! No relationship is as rosy as it looks from the outside, even Mothers!
You must learn to love your talents, be proud and confident. What makes you feel loved, or confident in yourself....It appears you should have a good many things to talk about in this regard over coffee!

I have always gotten crushes and they usually led to some disasterous relationships. Usually I'm manic and get carried away thinking I'm "In Love" when I'm usually just for some reason sexually attracked to someone. It led me to affairs, that didn't last. Way beyound the teenage years. The only reason my marriage works is because my husband it solid and forgiving.

I have met technically met him and we have a lot of common interests. We're both musicians and in fact, we both play the same instrument. We both have different career goals within the music field that compliment each other (i.e. he wants to be a band director and I want to be a composer of band music). I don't think there's any way to run out of things to talk about with him…not to mention that's he's really good at conversation and makes me feel self-conscious about saying something wrong or not being able to remember the name of something (which seems to happen more often to me than other people my age or at any age for that matter).

Thanks for sharing that…that must have taken courage. I don't feel as though I'm in love with him more than I feel like there is a possibility that I could be eventually. Basically, he treats me how I would want to be treated and I feel safe and comfortable around him—which is more than I can say about at least 90% of guys. I also have a strong sexual attraction (chemistry perhaps?) with him which is unlike literally any other guy I've ever met. I'm usually not sexually attracted to guys—I may really enjoy their personality and get along with them, and even feel safe and comfortable around them, but almost never do have all that PLUS sexual attraction.

So yes, there is sexual attraction, but there's much more than that because just because I'm physically attracted to a guy, doesn't mean I'll want anything to do with him since likely I won't feel safe or comfortable around him which is more important to me.

I think that all relationships start out as crushes. It seems to be natures way of making us fall in love . If you didn't check your text messages 30 times a day - that would be the odd behavior . The fantasy , the obsession is all part of a very natural process IF we have reason to believe the other person will develop feelings for us AND that it doesn't interfere with other aspects of our lives
A rational crush is fine , its actually fun !

I don't think there will ever be a second date. I feel devastated…we had so much chemistry and we both said we wanted to go out again.

Why lie? Why get someone's hopes up for nothing? Do guys just like $%&#ing with girls for fun? Why continue to communicate, then abruptly stop? Not even a message like "I'm busy right now, I can't talk". I can respect that.

Even if for some stupid reason they actually return the feelings and like you back it's a horrible, horrible feeling and I just want to make it stop.

I'm too depressed to do anything now. How is that fun?