Don't know what to do

Everything is wrong with my life. I have no friends, I can't make no friends. I hate the group of people I am stuck with, they have nothing to do with me. But it is being with them or being alone. Many times I chose to be alone, but them I feel bad about myself. I try to get new friends, but I am trying for years. I can't make a new friend since I was 11, it's been 10 years since then. I just can't, I tried so hard but I am not fun. I am very shy, I am very anxyous, I am allways tired... I have nothing to say most of the time and when I do have no one wants to listen to it. I am just bad with people, I have no one but my family, but sometimes they can't understand me. They can't see how sad and lost I am. And they blame me about that, but I can't change I tried to change so many times. I haven't the strenght that is needed to change.
I have no flame, no will, no power inside me. I am just that person who feels worried most of the time and barrely can enjoy life.
The problem is that I am at medical school, one of the top ten students of my year, but i just hate it. Every step I take is like a hell to me, I have no friends there. I am stucked with a group of weird guys (I am a girl) and their not really my friends, they are not even the kind of people I like. But there isn't anyone else who can accept me. The other people in my class have a very restrict group, and I can't get inside it. As I wouldn't get inside any other group of people. I hate studying, I hate the classes. I used to enjoy mat, but it is to late to change to anything else, and I know I wouldn't fit anyway. I have done so much effort to get where I did. And I keep saying to myself I am a smart girl that is just sick, but it is getting hard to believe in that, and probably I will never get better.
Med school is getting harder for me, now that evaluations are becoming pratical, and I can't make teachers like me as the others can't. I look stupid in front of them. But I think I would be unhappy any where else I would be. I just do what I have done all my life, keep going on, but sometimes it is so hard.
Sorry about my writting, I am not a native speaker.

Mulan Welcome, I 'm sorry you're having such a hard time, you don't deserve it, sometimes it is hard to make friends especially because you seem smart, some people probably don't feel like they are good enough for you. Maybe they are intimidated by your intelligence???I hat clicks and tried so hard to be in one in high school, but realised before it was too late, luckily, and did find new friends in the cafeteria. There is still hope!!!

You are smart and know what is going on. Just make the changes you need to make.

I realy wish I could make the changes. But I can't. When I am alone I think "ok, that would help, lets do that" but when it comes the time to actually do something I can't. I'm afraid about what I realy have, about the cause of me being like this. But I can't get out this fog when the time comes. I don't understand why I prefer to live a life that I hate, where I struggle everyday. But I chose to kept my secret, I wish I could talk to someone, but in order of that I realize there is need someone to start the conversation instead of me. I don't know, I'm chained at my own stupid life. And the worst at this is that everyone thinks i'm a terrible person, no one truely likes me, and the picture everyone does about me is not the best. And I don't know what I should believe, and don't know from where to start.
Let me just tell one more thing. Back at 2011 I made a brain RM. I went to a neurologist because psyquiatritians ???? had failed to help me. At the time I didn't see the exam with me eyes, but my parents went to pick it up and they said there was nothing wrong in it. So I never went back to the neurologist again to show him the exam. But this year I remember to see it with my own eyes and i see my parents missed a part in the report that said I had a small pineal gland cyst. This could explain why I am resistant to psychiatric treatment, but this could also be nothing important. I don't know how to tell my family this, I don't want them to worry about nothing. I don't want to go after this lead and then have no doctor giving it importance or doing nothing or saying this is not the cause. I don't want people to see me as a much crazier person and call me hipocondriac if that happens and don't look for other pshisiologic causes of my ilness. And I don't want to miss this and then it turns to be something important. Maybe I make a dilema out of everything. I want for help but I am affraid to discover where my personality ends and my disease begins, since I have been "strange" since a young age. Please advise me. I am lost and I can't take the first step.

I realy wish I could make the changes. But I can't. When I am alone I think "ok, that would help, lets do that" but when it comes the time to actually do something I can't. I'm afraid about what I realy have, about the cause of me being like this. But I can't get out this fog when the time comes. I don't understand why I prefer to live a life that I hate, where I struggle everyday. But I chose to kept my secret, I wish I could talk to someone, but in order of that I realize there is need someone to start the conversation instead of me. I don't know, I'm chained at my own stupid life. And the worst at this is that everyone thinks i'm a terrible person, no one truely likes me, and the picture everyone does about me is not the best. And I don't know what I should believe, and don't know from where to start.
Let me just tell one more thing. Back at 2011 I made a brain RM. I went to a neurologist because psyquiatritians ???? had failed to help me. At the time I didn't see the exam with me eyes, but my parents went to pick it up and they said there was nothing wrong in it. So I never went back to the neurologist again to show him the exam. But this year I remember to see it with my own eyes and i see my parents missed a part in the report that said I had a small pineal gland cyst. This could explain why I am resistant to psychiatric treatment, but this could also be nothing important. I don't know how to tell my family this, I don't want them to worry about nothing. I don't want to go after this lead and then have no doctor giving it importance or doing nothing or saying this is not the cause. I don't want people to see me as a much crazier person and call me hipocondriac if that happens and don't look for other pshisiologic causes of my ilness. And I don't want to miss this and then it turns to be something important. Maybe I make a dilema out of everything. I want for help but I am affraid to discover where my personality ends and my disease begins, since I have been "strange" since a young age. Please advise me. I am lost and I can't take the first step.

Dear Mulan
Sorry you are having problems
I should say that pineal cysts or pinealomas usually cause headaches,visual changes,occasional dementia like changes,rarely psychiatric changes,despite producing serotonin derivatives. It's main function is circadian rhythm control (sleep/wake cycle).If you are concerned you shouldrepeat MRI,but talk to psychiatrist ,maybe you should face your fears first
Medschool is hard,but not impossible. If you chose it because you loved it do not leave,especially you are one of best students.
Tell us why you chose medschool?
why do you think you can not share?
What is it you are trying to disregard?
talk to us,there is no judgment here,and people are friendly even though they don't know you
Good luck ,best wishes

Stay in Med School. Actually you are a perfect fit. I see your keen intelligence and interest in Medical Study. This is because what I read in your posts. The social situations your speaking of, is the just a normal part of going to school. Those social "clicks" may just not be suitable for you. So.....just be yourself while in school.

I don't just don't know if I like Med School. I'm complicated sometimes I think I like things and then I realize I hate them, I think I want some things that I don't like and I'm not capable of. I realy can't trust in my feelings and there's a reason why. I feel somehow depersonalized, since I was a litle girl and the thing I do better is daydreaming. It's hard for me to get my feet on the ground, to see the reality as it is because I tend to fantasize everything I live. And I think this fact explain a lot about some actitudes of mine. One of them is that I can't be sad, or angry or abstet for many long, I can't keep my feelings about things. It's not a positive thing I guess, because it keeps me from worrying seriusly about me or anything else and makes me acting just when it's late, when I have any escape. It is hard for me to get in touch with my feelings and needs, so imagine how it is to get in touch with others feelings. It's not that I don't know what is suposed to feel and what is suposed for me to do and say, but I'm a bad actress. I can't plan anything to say because it looks fake, I feel fake and I hate it. I just can say things naturaly when I haven't think about them, when I think I should say something I lose corage to say it, it is like it wasn't even a though of mine. It is like I can only live the moment. There are some days better then others, but in that days the emptyness is bigger inside me I hate to be my self, every conversation is torture, I don't have anything I care to say, I say things I don't care just to say something, I have no opinions, I don't know what position to assume about anything, what the others say don't mean nothing to me don't wake any thought or opinion. I just hate these days. I don't feel like a person when I feel like this. There are other days that I feel totaly confused I constantly forget everything, in don't know wich day it is, I lose track in conversation I lose stuff of mine, I feel like zombie, I feel like I am still sleeping and I have this terrible headaches, this mental tiredness. There isn't almost any good days, days that I feel like myself. They changed a lot, there are some days too, in wich I can't find words to speak. I don't remember to be myself, never.
That's because of this that I have been thinking for some time that I couldn't get depressed. As some doctors said, but they didn't understand the full picture about me, because I can't tell them, not that I don't want but it gets difficult to remember the things to say, it gets difficult to organize the things I wanna say and it is even difficult to put them in words. And as I said it as to be natural, so when I plan to write what I feel, I get the same problems and one other, I get lazy I can't finish it, I can't get motivation inside me to finish it... I have tried. And I would never show my text here to some doctor, they are to personal and my english is bad, they have another context...
So answering your questions: I chose med school because people say it to me, I read many things about my choices and no one clicks. At the time was seeing a psychiatrist and I though that she would help me, I though my tiredness will disappear, that my troubles relating to people will get better. And as I can't get in touch with my feelings I though I may like it because I use to like solving problems. Other reason was my sister was there already and it would be easier to get information about things, what to study for instance. And she said how great it was for her, how she like, how people learned to like and to be good at it. But see I can't feel good almost any day, thinking straight and memorizing are main issues to me, making friends it's a big one. So it would be hard to get happy anywhere I went. And I think I don't really like anything. I have been like thinks with my fantasy eyes just to discover later that I don't like it. And there are many times in my day that I don't feel like doing nothing, I have some series to watch, and I don't want it, it feels like I don't like them, but in the end, when I watch them it seams like I had some fun (don't if it was realy fun, cause I never know). I can't say I like med school or dislike it, maybe it is indifferent to me. I really don't know, everything is confusing.
Sory for the long text, I try to write what I remember as it is so hard to remember things and put it all together.

Sounds like you are really depressed. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor? JMO, I would try to muddle through as best you can if you knew before that medicine is your passion. You are not always going to be on school and exposed to the behavior of students. And in RL, frankly these students will matter less. Your skills and being a good doctor will be far more important.

You also write English very well!

Good luck...