[reesecups]

I am very interested in anyone who has dealt with this issue and figured out a way through it. I SI when I feel like someone I like or respect is upset with me. It's downright embarrassing to lose it over something that everyone else forgets about after it's happened and I ruminate for days or SI. Thanks for anyone who can help me with their suggestions.

[gnat]

I cannot offer your advice, but can let you know you're not alone. I beat myself up horribly over stuff and if my feelings or hurt or I hurt someone else....Yeah, I get it.

[IndieVisible]

Here's what I do when I find I am starting to beat myself up. I ask myself WHY? Why am I being so critical of myself? What is it I feel that moment and why? What is the real problem or fear? Once I can focus on the actual reason I can see how insignificant it really is. For example, there are many things I am not in control of, so why beat myself up for any of those things? Embarrassment? For what? For being human? For having emotions? For making a mistake? Who doesn't? Now I realize this all sounds so easy now at this moment and when the actual moment happens it's a different story. Just remember to begin by asking your self WHY?

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Here's what I do when I find I am starting to beat myself up. I ask myself WHY? Why am I being so critical of myself? What is it I feel that moment and why? What is the real problem or fear? Once I can focus on the actual reason I can see how insignificant it really is. For example, there are many things I am not in control of, so why beat myself up for any of those things? Embarrassment? For what? For being human? For having emotions? For making a mistake? Who doesn't? Now I realize this all sounds so easy now at this moment and when the actual moment happens it's a different story. Just remember to begin by asking your self WHY?

Thanks. I understand what you're saying. I do try to reason with myself. I know the rumination is ridiculous over something that gets forgotten as insignificant by the other person. Rationalizing doesn't seem to work.
I think that yes, sometimes I don't forgive myself for just being human. But the idea that I caused someone I like distress of any kind is nearly intolerable for me. I've talked to my therp about it but I really haven't been given any answers.

[tohelpafriend]

Hi....idk the answers for you, but I do know I'm getting some answers from understanding boundaries and how to assert them for protection. It could be (if you are in T), from your formative years that a pattern developed...maybe an overbearing parent or relative, an authority figure, someone you respected and you needed their approval. Just a suggestion....esp. if it becomes a pattern and, as you say, you ruminate over it. I did that today after something happened and I didn't want to go out anyway, but I did meet a nice person in a store. Good luck! ,

Help...................

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by gnat

I cannot offer your advice, but can let you know you're not alone. I beat myself up horribly over stuff and if my feelings or hurt or I hurt someone else....Yeah, I get it.

Thanks. I'm glad at least I'm not alone. Though I feel for anyone who goes through this. Take Care.

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by reesecups

Thanks. I understand what you're saying. I do try to reason with myself. I know the rumination is ridiculous over something that gets forgotten as insignificant by the other person. Rationalizing doesn't seem to work.
I think that yes, sometimes I don't forgive myself for just being human. But the idea that I caused someone I like distress of any kind is nearly intolerable for me. I've talked to my therp about it but I really haven't been given any answers.

Do you ask yourself why there seems to be such a paramount need for you to forgive yourself? the answer often surprises me! it's always for selfish reasons. because I feel bad, because I want to feel better. Because I feel guilt or the cause and if I don't do any thing to remedy this I will just feel sorry for myself and feel bad or hate myself. I can't tell you enough I understand how difficult it is to come to this realization, but when I am able to and when I can see it for what it really is, it becomes easier for me to dismiss. Try to get down to the actual bottom line reason why you feel the way you feel and why it makes a difference! WHY is the key!

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Do you ask yourself why there seems to be such a paramount need for you to forgive yourself? the answer often surprises me! it's always for selfish reasons. because I feel bad, because I want to feel better. Because I feel guilt or the cause and if I don't do any thing to remedy this I will just feel sorry for myself and feel bad or hate myself. I can't tell you enough I understand how difficult it is to come to this realization, but when I am able to and when I can see it for what it really is, it becomes easier for me to dismiss. Try to get down to the actual bottom line reason why you feel the way you feel and why it makes a difference! WHY is the key!

Thank you for the advice. I will take it into consideration.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by tohelpafriend

Hi....idk the answers for you, but I do know I'm getting some answers from understanding boundaries and how to assert them for protection. It could be (if you are in T), from your formative years that a pattern developed...maybe an overbearing parent or relative, an authority figure, someone you respected and you needed their approval. Just a suggestion....esp. if it becomes a pattern and, as you say, you ruminate over it. I did that today after something happened and I didn't want to go out anyway, but I did meet a nice person in a store. Good luck! ,

Help...................

Thanks. I believe it came from an overbearing father. The need to be 'perfect' and the fear of causing people problems. Thanks for the luck!

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi,
Try this to reduce (not cure) the need to
be perfect: I.E. DELIBERATELY make
mistakes.I started with my writing; when I
make a mistake,instead of berating myself,I
draw a line right down the paper,and carry on
writing. Get used to saying to self," good enough,is good enough." You can do this
with other things,don't iron something, self
say,"good enough". So make up other ways
you can be LESS THAN PERFECT.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Hi,
Try this to reduce (not cure) the need to
be perfect: I.E. DELIBERATELY make
mistakes.I started with my writing; when I
make a mistake,instead of berating myself,I
draw a line right down the paper,and carry on
writing. Get used to saying to self," good enough,is good enough." You can do this
with other things,don't iron something, self
say,"good enough". So make up other ways
you can be LESS THAN PERFECT.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

Thank you, I will try that. I know it's worse when I'm depressed. And I should tell myself what you suggest all the time.

Take Care

[wondering soul]

What works for me is to take my focus OFF the problem through something physical. For me that is running. People close to me know when I haven't had my run! It almost instantly calms me. I also do chakra mediations while I run instead of thinking of what ever is bothering me. When I do this, it is funny, because at the end my my run I have more clarity over my trigger (without even thinking about it). When I try to do positive thought replacement or try to rationalize the problem- I am STILL focused on the problem, thereby FEEDING it. I believe this happens because when I run, I am instantly grounding myself- quite literally. Hope this helps!

[reesecups]

D*amn, it's happened again. Again over something stupid. I wax able, I thought to get over a comment made to yesterday morning, only it came back to haunt mad last night. I absolutely hate this. I know it was no big deal. And the comment made to me was no big deal. Why am I ruminating over it? Maybe here's more to it? Not hypomanic right now but assume it as something I took to help with relaxing me last night. Expected to wake up and be 'over' it but am not. I feel so stinkin' stupid. I know I'm not perfect, I know it shouldn't matter. Now, again, something someone said that they forgot 5 minutes later is controlling me.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello reesecups-

I am so sorry that you're experiencing these painful struggles. I do understand, much of what you wrote sounds familiar to me. I read your earlier posts and you wrote that it feels intolerable to you to think that you caused someone you care about any kind of distress. I feel the same thing. I have also ruminated over things that I said-things that I think might have caused someone distress. Why-because they would have caused me distress so I imagine that someone else would respond the same way. And, I have ruminated over why I become so concerned and so anxious over what someone might be feeling.

For me I think it's all about fears-one fear is that someone will come to know what I know-that I am worthless. I fear that they will come to agree with my view of myself. And, if they do realize that I am worthless that they will turn away from me. Another fear is that I will be hurt by them physically, sexually or emotionally, as I was in the past. When I was being abused the person was behaving in an angry way, so anger triggers that fear for me. All of this also includes SI-to deal with the self-hate and the feelings of anger that scare me and so on. If I am able to identify what I am feeling and what my fears are that are driving my feelings I can sometimes turn things around and talk myself through it. I guess I would start with that-try to determine what it is that that you fear will come of someone feeling upset or hurt or angry with you-is it how they view you, that you fear they might harm you, are you actually angry with them, fear of being abandoned-just some examples. If you can determine what it is then maybe you can try to work through it or ease some of your anguish. It's a lot of work-at least it is for me. I have to work through so much, it is truly exhausting. Anyway-I wish you all the best. Let me know if you ever want to talk about this stuff.

[reesecups]

Thank you for being there. I appreciate it very much. So much went on yesterday and I feel like I'm no longer hypomanic. So what's triggering me to focus on that one net ant several hours later is something I don't know or understand. She is a therp in group that I go to. Really like and respect her. She is very wonderful. I had her for my first group, and I coughed some. Probably a little more than I should have without walking out. There are many reasons for me being sensitive about coughing, and ignoring when I do. I am extremely sensitive when someone complains. And this therp, who is always nice to me, turned to me, a little annoyed and all she said was "X, you have water." Which I hadn't even thought about. She probably forgot about it 5 minutes after it happened. And I didn't really think a lot of it at the moment except I was embarrassed that I had forgotten to do something and had disturbed the group enough to upset her. I didn't even think it had bothered me much until last night when I began ruminating about it. Was it because of that? Or something else that had happened yesterday (there was lots), I don't know. But I felt like SI'ing for the first time in a while. I called and left a message for my outside therp at 3:30am this morning to see about seeing her earlier in the week for an extra appointment. My goal is to journal about everything that happened yesterday and try to keep busy so the impulse to SI doesn't sneak up on me again.

Sorry, I know I'm long winded. It helps to know I'm not alone. Take care

[BLUEDOVE]

A huge help would be to learn assertiveness responses to remarks. For "You have water",the
assertive agreement phrase would be,"Your right,
I do have water!" This,and other stock phrases like
that are in a book called:" When I say no,I feel guilty," by Manuel J. Smith. It's out of print,but you
should get it in Alibris on net. Please do get this,it
will save you enormous pain and misery.There are
actual examples from real life,so it's easy to understand. Let me know if you get it ok.
Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[SeekerOfLife]

I ruminate too. Such a waste of time. I do not ruminate/stew/rehash things as badly as I used to. Do something fun and cheerful. It has helped me so much. I never used to have fun. I did not think I deserved it. It took quite a while, but I finally found some exercise that is fun to me. I keep at it. Best wishes.

[Lonely_90]

I am super sensitive,I cry about everything. My emotions are all out of wack,I usually try tossing a song or something

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

A huge help would be to learn assertiveness responses to remarks. For "You have water",the
assertive agreement phrase would be,"Your right,
I do have water!" This,and other stock phrases like
that are in a book called:" When I say no,I feel guilty," by Manuel J. Smith. It's out of print,but you
should get it in Alibris on net. Please do get this,it
will save you enormous pain and misery.There are
actual examples from real life,so it's easy to understand. Let me know if you get it ok.
Respect,
BLUEDOVE

Thank you, I believe I will look into the book. I just usually feel a lot of shame and can't think of anything to say until later. By that time, I am too embarrassed to bring it up because I know it's my problem more than hers. Could she have handled it better? Definitely! I'm actually believing I might bring it up to her, but do not know her reactions well enough and afraid she wouldn't understand or will lecture me. But I don't know what else I can do, because I do not want to feel uncomfortable with her for months like I did he last time it happened with another group manager.