it's been awhile, but definitely getting worse for me

I've have not been on here in awhile, I have had some great things happen to me recently, but my body is failing me. Confirmed I was in a coma in November with hypothermia months ago. Now my general symptoms of my body are basically crippling me, I cannot walk much and or have energy. I am not sad nor happy, more or less angered by the fact, my life isn't much worth at this point and or ever. I lived for nothing, I got abused my whole life to be told we don't know what's with your body you are going to die. Well mind my language it is needed here, because "Well ****!" I don't really care bout censoring that at the moment, if you don't like it don't bother reading if it bothers you. I may sound rude and mean, but I am being completely honest, I don't know if I have any time or little time to live with my physical health failing me. I haven't found any happiness and became completely indifferent into anything anymore. Like I show little to no emotion, and the fact I haven't felt true love and or felt safe ever in my life struggling with PTSD from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse all the time one or all of them at least. I can easily say, my life wasn't worth what it was caught up to be yeah, I am hopeless, but I may need faith at this point, because I know I am dead for sure. The neuro drs cannot help me, my vitals look normal, but it could be parkinsons disease, which I know for a fact could easily explain my symptoms and that why they can't find out what's wrong with me on top of that, I am only just turned 20. So I am not meaning harm or insensitivity when I say this, I think I am ok to feel that I don't care what happens to anyone now good and bad, because since I haven't gotten anything I've needed realistically. I'm better off dead like anyone else. I've turned my back and given up on anyone even the people I love, because they have long ago given up on me. I want to act ungrateful at this point because what else do I have suffer and not indulge into my own pleasure until this is over. I don't know you tell me?

More Medical Help is need. Medical tests need to be done. Therapist may be of help too.

I can understand your wanting to rant and get it out of your system. It sounds like you have not been given what you needed in this life whether it be love or health. I'm glad you haven't given up on faith. Let it sustain you.

I wish the hefty price to stay alive medically and emotionally wasn't so big, because I hate saying this, but insurance financial **** and unable to work because of unknown symptoms made me lose 2 jobs already. I believe money will kill me without a doubt. I just don't even know, I lost hope because of these excuses. So many other people with problems and have money, and that in the big picture I am treated I am not important. I am the face of true human cruelty and torture and not even exaggerating one bit. I don't want to compare myself to others in this way because I am not an *** nor indifferent to other people, but I always treat people how I want to ideally be treated. Instead, even when I am not physically doing well the indifference will always be there from medical community, parents, and friends. I may be askewed, but I had less of a part of my mental health falling apart recently like everyone says it is. I basically cornered myself when I was healthy, and now I am truly screwed. I don't believe I will live long from this. I haven't met one specialist or dr or human who could help me remotely. I am not completely helpless when it comes to my own mental health, I take action I take responsibility of myself all the time by not talking bout anything and always being quiet out of discipline. If I step out of line I fix my actions and take my responsiblity b4 anything else can happen. I am not playing the victim, I am force in an organized fashion to be treated like this, partially the wrong stigma I give with my previous growth and positivity, but never truly happy and actually recovering from anything. I can't do it alone and I am expected to die alone and live with alone by my parents, friends, and medical people. I just feel trapped and tortured in a very weird cruel way. I may not be stable emotionally and look at this later saying it is not true, but no matter how I look at it now or later stable or not. The outside crap/abuse I deal with will never change or leave. I am not a human to the people around me I am dog in the dog house.

Yeah I haven't been given anything and I am disciplined and expected to work for pennies after five long grueling years of work. That's how I am treated every day after suffering physical sexual emotional abuse from anyone all the time. Now with my health not doing well, everyone acts surprised and I still get treated even worse now.