[Intesar]

I am shocked with my behavior
I have known my friend for over than four years, and a month ago, he told me that he fell in love with a girl.
Since then I became like a crazy girl , my heart was burning from jealousy, I can't stop thinking of them together, how he is giving her his attention, the way he used to give it to me, (she toke my place in his life).
I kept complaining, and sometimes comparing his relation with her to his relation with me, I really felt that every single breath he takes when he is not with me it's for her.

things went too bad between us. we keep fighting all the time.
nothing I do or say he likes anymore!

yesterday at dawn, we broke up.

It hurts toooooo much & he knows that well.
I can't stop crying.

[shabur]

Intesar, I'm sorry for your situation. I wonder, was he your only friend?

People come into our lives and we have certain responses, As time passes that relationship can grow stronger, but then something happens to challenge that relationship and how each person reacts determines what will happen in that relationship.
I think when we react poorly we need to look at why we had that particular reaction.
Why do we feel threatened?
Do we believe that this person has to make a choice between one of us?
If we do believe that, why can't we believe that he is capable of loving both of you, just in different ways?

Your relationship will change. He won't have as much time to commit to being with you, but it doesn't mean you can't continue your friendship. I think if you think your reaction through and find some understanding you should be able to repair your friendship.

You will need to make concessions. Maybe you plan a day each week that you can meet. Maybe you can commit to phone calls at certain times each week. There are numerous possibilities of how you can maintain your relationship.

I had developed a close friendship with my yoga instructor that only lasted 4 years. When I had to return to work after a leave we started private classes. Her style of teaching was what I needed. She was the first person outside my family that I confided in. As time passed our friendship grew stronger. She had dinner with my family and we joked around a lot. We would make each other laugh in class. I really loved her as a friend.

When I was going through a particularly rough time I called her one morning and asked her if she could come over for some restorative yoga. At first she said she couldn't because she had a prior commitment, but she called back a few minutes later to say she was on her way over.

Then I began to notice she was pulling away. At first I thought I was over thinking it, but later realized I wasn't. I gave it that night to think about it and I realized that I jokingly repeated something about one of her family members that at first she found funny, but later asked me to stop. Without thinking about it I said it again during one of our private sessions. I also realized that I might have been putting too much on her because of my illnesses.

The next morning I composed an email saying that I sensed she was pulling away and if that was the case, while I was sad to lose our friendship, I appreciated all she had done for me. I mentioned how much I appreciated all she taught me about yoga and it would be something that I would continue. I inferred that the reason for her reaction was due to me. It was my intent to end this friendship on a positive note.

She responded that I was correct about her needing to move on, but she attributed it to things that were going on in her life.

My response came out of nowhere. While not saying as much I implied that she was lying and the reason she wanted to end was due to me. That precipitated a phone call from her challenging me and stating again it was due to things in her life and she didn't believe she need to explain anything to me. That conversation went on for about 10 minutes. She invited me to continue coming to her class, but I didn't. I was too hurt.

Like you, I had a very different reaction than I should of had. We were very close and I considered her part of my support system. Because of one mistake our friendship ended (Yes, I still believe the breakup was due to me.) when it didn't have to. And, while I started out with good intentions, I REALLY blew it - big time.

Unlike me, I believe you have a chance to repair your friendship. Think about why you responded the way you did and then go hat in hand to your friend explaining to him why you reacted the way you did. Ask him if he will forgive you and can the 2 of you find a way to maintain your friendship. Let him know you still care about him and are happy for him. (And try to find a way to be happy he has found someone to love...in a different way that he loves you.)

Good luck.

[Intesar]

Thank you very much shabur

Actually, he was my only close male friend I have, last year I lost three friends, and I only have one female friend and him.
I was too afraid of being lonely, and I am still too jealous from his girl.
I told him everything I was feeling, everything I was going through every day. I even lost weight.
at first he promised to stay with me, as it wasn't his intention to leave me, but with time and because of the horrible way I was acting, he couldn't handle it any more.
I tried many times to stop talking to him, I tell him I wont bother you anymore, but every time I call him again and ask to see him.
But this time, I asked him (at the end of a fight) if stopping talking to him or sending any messages will make him live normally and be relieved. he said YES.
So, I promised him I wont call or send anything at all, and I wished him a good luck.
I even put the sim card away so that I wont use the phone till the end of the month.

But I miss him too much, every now and then I keep crying.

[shabur]

I think not calling him is a very good idea. I think during this time, you should work through your feelings. I'm hopeful you will be able to accept your friend's girlfriend. Somewhere down the road your relationship may be able to be repaired.

We are co-dependents. We need the approval and support of others to validate our lives. It's a very difficult way to live our lives. We need to learn to stand on our own. We need to have friends that are there for us, but that we don't base our lives around. Friends we can be happy for as they go through their lives and friends that we can support and can support us as we each face life's challenges.

I can appreciate the fact that he is one of only a few people in your life, but it's a lot of pressure for your friend to have to balance your's and his girlfriend's needs. You should try to find a way that he isn't such a big part of your life, to bring more people into your life.

I had the opportunity to join a therapy group that focused on co-dependency. It was so helpful, I learned a lot about myself, but I also learned to stand on my own. And as an added bonus, the women that were in the group with me have become very good friends.

Are there any co-dependency support groups near you? If you are seeing a T, you should ask him/her to help you work through your co-dependency issues. They are usually rooted in some past trauma or due to some needs not being met as a young child. My co-dependency was due to being ignored as a child and I was able to work through that.

Also, possibly find some hobbies that will get you outside and around other people who can potentially become your friends.

[Intesar]

Thank you Shabur,

I do appreciate replying for the second time

Everything you said is TRUE, and I agree with your suggestions.

Actually, there is not any support group in our country, we are a middle eastern country, still we don't have the courage to discuss our problems in groups.

I do believe as well that it was the right decision not to call him, at least until he does (if he wishes to) or when I am ready to accept her in his life and act according to that.
Maybe I was a little selfish, and I should be happy that he found someone to love and share his heart with, but I can't help it, at least not at the present.

The fact that he didn't care to call or even send a message for five days makes me realize it was the right thing to do. As I was for sure causing too much pressure on him.

I did start to communicate with other people, actually I contacted an old friend of mine, I didn't see for years, he was glad to keep in touch with me, and I talk to my female friend daily, she knows I am not feeling well and she is trying her best to make me feel better.

I am concentrating on my study (I am back to school) and I'm graduating at the end of this semester. And taking courses for my future career.

I know things wont be easy, it's impossible to just ignore or try to forget years of close friendship in few days or even months. But the one must do what's right and what's best for that friend.

Wish me luck please

[shabur]

Intesar

I am happy you are reaching out to other friends. And after you finish your studies you will find a job and make friends there.

Since there aren't any support groups I would suggest getting a few books on co-dependency. At least that will help you understand more about co-dependency and give you tools to work through it. You probably don't want to transfer your current needs on to other friends.

And I do wish you much luck as you find your way through this insipid illness.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help.