Can't Get Therapy, Don't Know What To Do

This week, I was supposed to be at summer camp.

People raised a thousand dollars for me to be there.

I had such bad anxiety I had to get picked up by my parents.

All the money was wasted.

My parents told me they were going to take me to a mental health center.

FINALLY, I thought, they realize my problems are real!

But I'm here at home and everything is hell. They still don't get it. My mom thinks I'm okay. She thinks it's an on and off thing. She doesn't understand that I'm NEVER okay. Suicide is always in the back of my mind.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to explain all of my fears to her.

My grandmother told my mom a lie that I drive around our town with older guys when I hang out with my friends. I DON'T DO THAT. So now I'm grounded for the rest of the summer.

I thought if I came home I would finally get therapy. Finally. It's not a priority to my parents. My dad said that "his butt has more anxiety and depression than I do." It's just one big joke to them.

Every time I think that I'm a little okay, I fall right back down again.

I finally thought I could get help. Soon. That I'd finally be on my way to recovery but no.

The place in my town only has hours 8 A.M. to 4 P.M., weekdays only.

My mom is ill and can't drive, she has SUDEP. Which means Sudden Death from Epilepsy. She could die at any moment. It's very hard to go through. She thinks I don't care about her because I have my own problems. Because she doesn't think mine are real. And I could cry and scream and beg her to make me an appointment and she doesn't think it's real.

The only days I would ever be able to go are on Mondays and Tuesdays because my older sister can drive and those are the only days she's off work.

Next Monday, my older sister has to get a shot, and then we have to bring the dog to the vet.

Next Tuesday, I highly doubt I'll be able to.

I just don't know if I can hold on that long. It's urgent. I need help. I can't wait around.

I need help now. And I don't know what the hell to do because they're not going to understand it. So I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out.

I love my parents so much and it tears me apart that they don't see my pain.

I don't know how to cope.

I read, but reading gives me more intrusive thoughts and worsens my anxiety.

I write, but I always get suicidal because I get more bad thoughts when I write.

I make bracelets but that get's repetitive and boring and I have too much time to think.

I play guitar, but again, the thoughts don't go away or I get yelled at for being loud and have to turn it off.

I used to ride my bike but my dad has the key to the garage and my bike is locked in there.

Now I've wasted kind people's $1,200 dollars... and I'm stuck here.

I'm becoming so numb.

And I don't know what to do until I can finally, FINALLY, talk to somebody.

My parents don't even know about my sexual abuse. They don't know anything about my problems. They just think I'm scared of new places and new people and don't like adjusting. They just think I'm sad over a boy or that "the internet is doing this to me."

I don't know how to get their attention and show them how real this is. I want to cut myself so they can SEE the pain but I know that's a dumb idea.

I just...

I'm sorry for ranting. I just needed a place to release all of this.

(((((((((((((((Emma8432))))))))))))))) Sending big hugs your way!I am sorry you are feeling so alone and mis-understood. Sometimes parents get wrapped up with their selves and don't think about their kids as having problems or they don't want to believe it to be true because then others might think of them as bad parents. I am not making excuses for them, but sometimes they just don't get it. Can you talk to your sister? I would keep posting here, it does help, until you get to see a therapist. I wish you the best.

Thank you for responding!

Well, I've talked to my sister. I've came to her when I felt like killing myself and we stayed up till 5 in the morning talking. But when my parents are around its like she's forgotten our talk.

I'm sorry for all ur going through I know it really sux. If u have a phone when it gets real bad u can call the Sui hotline. I've never called so I dont know how it goes. Sui is always on my mind an I'm a bad role model since I don't tell T or Pdoc. I never allowed anyone to see my pain I just hid it all away.

It seems u and ur sister have a decent relationship, u need to go to ur sister when she's off work or whenever u can and tell her u need help as soon as possible. If she still ignores u and u r desperate enough go to an er and tell them what u want to do. They will keep u safe. I have no idea what the hospital situations r by u but mate it's be an eye opener for ur family to see ur not bluffing ur in serious pain and need serious help.

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. Can you ask your parents to take you to your regular doctor and tell her/him some of this, about camp and that you were sexually abused and are having trouble with suicidal and other negative thoughts and would like help but don't know how to get through to your parents? If your doctor told them you needed help and recommended some resources or maybe could work with you to treat you him/herself.

Take care of you! Your mental health is priority. I stopped doing a lot of things to focus on my issues because they are life-threatening. Only you know what you need!

I'm sorry that you're going through all that. I know that's hard to go through, especially if your parents aren't taking you seriously. You can find a lot of support here. Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.

I think Perna had a great idea - if you can even get to a regular doctor to get the ball rolling. One time my anxiety got so bad - I did not sleep for 3 - 4 days and I did not know what to do - I really had no one to help. I called my aunt and said I think I need to go to the emergency room - she said she could not get off of work to take me..I called the ambulance. At the emergency room they gave me meds to calm me. A short time later my therapist and my Pdoc got me into a hospital - to deal with the mental health issues. I had no one to bring me - my therapist paid for a cab ride.
My point - do not let it get soooo bad. Call for outside help if you need to. Sometimes family does not always know what to do - or they are in denial.
You have "understanding" here. Let us know how you are doing.

Please immediately call the Suicide hotline: 800-273-8255.

It is a shame no one is understanding or helping, so please reach out to those who do care. Hugs

Find the courage to call and help yourself.......take the first step; it will be a relief to be heard and validated (perhaps for the first time).

Hey thank you a lot. If things get really bad, I'm going to. But right now my feelings are under control.

I've actually talked to my mom more and today I'm calling the therapist office. Hopefully I can get an appointment next week or the week after. Just gotta hold on.