I'm done living.

Self-explanatory. My mom is drunk and arguing with one of the neighbors. I asked my sister for help with a problem on Facebook and she logged off without giving me an answer or even saying "bye" to me. I used to feel like no one could see my suffering, now I think everyone sees it but they just don't give a ****. I don't have anyone on my side, no support system. Nobody cares. I think if I were to die tonight only my immediate family would grieve at all, and then they'd only cry for maybe a week and then get over it. I have no friends. No romantic love. I'm ugly and I can't do anything right. I'm not even good at anything, I have no talents and no future for a successful career. I'm 17 and basically alone in life. I mean, I'm not alone because I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I'm alone in the sense that I have no one. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm getting hopeless again because I realize I'll never have the kind of life I've been wishing for, I'll never be "normal". I will always have these little black moods and spells of melancholy. And you know what, I don't think I can live with this same old **** anymore. I am so done.

Well, ShyPoetGirl, I'm 66. So, from my perspective, at 17 it would be tragic for you to give up so early in life. But, yes, I do have some idea of how hopeless it must seem to feel totally alone. As far as the black moods & spells go, they may or may not always be there. But, some of the greatest, most creative people in history had them, as well as many, many ordinary people who managed to have successful lives in spite of struggling with depression. So, although it all seems so insurmountable now, I'd like to suggest that there is much to be hopeful about. I send you warm thoughts in hopes you can find your way through your present darkness...

Ok, you are allowed to say you feel like that "right now" but as bad as today may seem, you "can" actually have better days. And honestly, there are a lot of 17 year olds that feel lonely and even "low" too. I had those days, I remember back then, but that has a lot to do with the age you are right now too.

My nephew really struggled when he was your age, actually right through high school and even at first in college too. BUT, he finally found his way, is very in love with his wife and is a very happy man right now. So, moral of the story is at 17, you really should be counting the "value" of life as you are, maybe at this age things are depressing etc, but, your life can be totally rewarding and different in a few years.

As far as your sibling seeming not to care? My guess is she is probably at the age where the norm is the "all about me" and that has no baring at all on your true worth. And you think you are "ugly"? Well, give yourself time, 17 is an awkward age and a lot of girls tend to think they are not pretty enough. Well, you could be "pretty enough" to some one else some day and end up having an amazing relationship. Believe me, you are going to grow and change a lot the next 5 years, so "patience" through these difficult times, patience.

(((Hugs)))
OE

It is hard to tell whether what you are describing is merely teenage angst, and something that will pass, or if it is something more severe.

I have come to realize that I am one of those people who can feel the melancholy and the depression monster tear at my soul. Sometimes I feel completely worthless and just a rather small thing, like friends that matter a lot to me not coming to my birthday or move overseas-party, regarldess of excuse, can set me off for days, maybe even weeks. I feel that I do not matter and that people do not really care about me. I feel that I am a low priority in anyone's life but my own. I feel that I walk on this earth unnoticed.

But, in my experience it also has its beautiful sides. I used to think I was sadder than others, the last few years I have realized I just feel stronger than a lot of people. And, honestly, it's a beautiful thing. It makes me able to cry from seeing a baby laugh or from seeing a cancer survivor get married on TV. It makes me empathic to the young and old, to the sick and the frail, to strangers. It makes me involve myself more in charity work and get to know so many inspiring and caring people. It makes music so much more important to me, it means I can connect to a song to the extent where if the song is sad, I feel depressed, and if the song is happy it cheers me up; to the extent where lyrics of a song can crash into my heart at a fuller speed than for others.

All these feelings, these emotions, sometimes confusing, sometimes hurtful, sometimes complicated; they can make life crap but they also make life a wonderful, beautiful place. They also make life the existential, pure joy of walking barefoot through a meadow, of lying on the ground watching the stars, they make life about love as much as hate, about joy as much as sorrow and about smiles instead of scowls.

I love life. I truly do. I have never been suicidal, but I have had bad periods when the darkness seemed to embrace everything and when the point to it all has not been very clear. It takes work, sometimes it takes a lot of time, but fortunately most people get through it. And their victory for it is the wonders of life, of living (as I am not religious, I don't believe there is an alternative, either - this is what we have, and that's it). I hope you will learn to feel better about yourself and your life.

Take care!

Your depression come from your family and how they relate to each other. Seeing your mother drunk is a big part of it. Remember much of what you are seeing and experiencing as nothing to do with you personally, or how you look. Your mind has internalized much of this. Therapy can help you get out of that.

Regardless of the 'why' of how you feel...if you're feeling unsafe or that you might harm yourself get help like tell someone or go to an ER if need be. I just know even if you are just 17 feeling so low suicide is on your mind is a serious thing...but if its just one of those passing feelings and has diminished since you posted this...perhaps maybe trying to get into some therapy though with the situation with your mom might be hard getting into that if you at all depend on her to get places and set things like that up. Do you just live with your mom or do you have a dad around that's maybe less drunk than your mom? Also don't know how the teachers/staff are at your school if you're in school or if they potentially have a school counselor that could help but maybe worth looking into.

Also you're certainly welcome to continue posting here and vent about stuff bothering you.

I have spent a lot of my life feeling hopeless. Lots of really terrible things have happened to me and so I would point to that and say, "see." But in the end I am very very glad that I never went all the way and checked out. I've had all kinds of experiences alongside the bad ones, and I am now seeing an opening where things are coming together and giving me a whole different way to live. When you are so down it is really hard to feel positive or pleasure about anything, I know, but perhaps you can find something meaningful, something that matters?

I don't really have anything to add because it's all been said already so . . .

WOW. I didn't expect all this support. Thank you so very much you guys!
To be honest I kinda forgot about this thread, which is the reason I'm just now getting back to it, after...three days? Anyway, I'm very, very grateful to everyone who took the time to reply and to give their advice. You've all helped me very much and I feel that I should give an update on how I'm feeling and how my life is going at this point.

I'm glad to say that, since Friday, my suicidal feelings have diminished and I resisted the urge to hurt myself. However, I'm still very much depressed and feeling down over my current life situation. I've been thinking about how bad I've been feeling and wondering if I need to go back into therapy. I'm thinking that I should. However I'm in a very difficult situation. I would have to rely on my mom to make appointments and get me there and back, since I am still a minor and have no way of getting around myself. The thing is, she has other things going on (she has been trying to get disability for 2 years now) and I doubt she would have the time or patience to set things up for me. My dad is now working and wouldn't have the time either. I have no one else to help me with this. So, given my current situation, I am being forced to deal with my depression on my own, with no professional help. It is unfortunate but there's nothing I can do.

Thank you everyone.

The future gets written today.
If we do not love ourselves, we will write a horrible future for ourselves.
Your mission is to love yourself and build a beautiful life.
We are all in this together

p.s.

You have gifts and talents within you. You just need to discover and accept them.
You will find that your gifts and talents are those which enable you to fulfill your heart's desire.
We are here to learn who we are, then become who we are <3