[Rust]

I'm a 23 year guy. I do feel normal stuff, funny, humor and get angry, sad and depressed. But i never show the dark side. Nobody will ever see me sad or depressed, angry yes, but never the other. I always act happy or positive and i usually am 90% of the time. But i go dark allot, but never show it on the outside, and nothing spurs it on though, that's the strange part, i just fall into that abyss and will be there for a while and then be over with. I have accepted that about me.

My question really is, why can't i feel emotions towards others. I have met the most amazing woman, smart, funny, gorgeous beyond believe. I adore her allot and i like her allot. But i don't feel THAT feeling, i never loved someone before, i don't think i can, or dont know how, that feeling doesnt pop up.

This all might sound strange the way i explain this. But i dont want to lose her, and she knows about all the dark stuff that goes on in my head, when i fall. and she knows i'm a rock when it comes to explaining my feelings, but she finally cracked the rock a bit and i told her most of the stuff i struggle with and some of the stuff was dark, and she didn't run away. That surprised me so much.

She told me once she loved me, but why dont i feel anything beyond the normal emotions, the deeper stuff.

I dont know how to feel the real stuff, i grew up to never get soft. Dont show emotions, you have to man up, and get the job done

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Rust, and welcome to Psych Central! Not to sound stereotypical, but how was your childhood? Were you abused or somehow punished for showing "bad" emotions? You might have a lot of anger underneath that explains your dark side.

I had trouble with emotions, too, and I went into therapy. I am doing a lot better now.

Originally Posted by Rust

I'm a 23 year guy. I do feel normal stuff, funny, humor and get angry, sad and depressed. But i never show the dark side. Nobody will ever see me sad or depressed, angry yes, but never the other. I always act happy or positive and i usually am 90% of the time. But i go dark allot, but never show it on the outside, and nothing spurs it on though, that's the strange part, i just fall into that abyss and will be there for a while and then be over with. I have accepted that about me.

My question really is, why can't i feel emotions towards others. I have met the most amazing woman, smart, funny, gorgeous beyond believe. I adore her allot and i like her allot. But i don't feel THAT feeling, i never loved someone before, i don't think i can, or dont know how, that feeling doesnt pop up.

This all might sound strange the way i explain this. But i dont want to lose her, and she knows about all the dark stuff that goes on in my head, when i fall. and she knows i'm a rock when it comes to explaining my feelings, but she finally cracked the rock a bit and i told her most of the stuff i struggle with and some of the stuff was dark, and she didn't run away. That surprised me so much.

She told me once she loved me, but why dont i feel anything beyond the normal emotions, the deeper stuff.

I dont know how to feel the real stuff, i grew up to never get soft. Dont show emotions, you have to man up, and get the job done

I think you may have answered your own question, Rust. You grew up to never get soft, to not show emotions. That kind of upbringing is hard to shake. Plus, since your family-of-origin was this way, it may be you have something of a genetic predisposition to this type of stoicism.

I'm an older person. And, when I grew up, this was the norm. You kept your problems to yourself & you didn't show emotion. Today's predilection for "letting it all hang out", as the saying goes, is really a pretty recent development historically speaking. The good thing is you are aware of your tendencies. So you can work with them over time. That is a big plus!

Of course, it is also possible you simply haven't found the right lady yet. Despite all of the amazing qualities this woman you've met has, maybe there's something missing. It's so hard to know. I think the best thing to do is to take your time with the relationship & see where it goes. "Love at first sight" may make for great chic flic's. But it isn't necessarily the best way to create a relationship that can last a lifetime. My best wishes to you!

[Rust]

Thank you, glad to be here. I wasnt abused or anything, i just had to play shrink to my parents from a young age when they were fighting, so i was always the mediator. I think that kind of made me grew up faster than i needed to. I do tend to get angry so quick, not on the outside, on the inside more. sometimes small things tend to piss me of, but im also just as quickly over it. But i rarely show it.

I have been to 6 psychologists from a young age, i was naughty, more of an inquisitive naughty child. and my parents didnt know what to do. Well my mother always thought it was because of my dad leaving as when i was still an infant.

[Rust]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

I think you may have answered your own question, Rust. You grew up to never get soft, to not show emotions. That kind of upbringing is hard to shake. Plus, since your family-of-origin was this way, it may be you have something of a genetic predisposition to this type of stoicism.

I'm an older person. And, when I grew up, this was the norm. You kept your problems to yourself & you didn't show emotion. Today's predilection for "letting it all hang out", as the saying goes, is really a pretty recent development historically speaking. The good thing is you are aware of your tendencies. So you can work with them over time. That is a big plus!

Of course, it is also possible you simply haven't found the right lady yet. Despite all of the amazing qualities this woman you've met has, maybe there's something missing. It's so hard to know. I think the best thing to do is to take your time with the relationship & see where it goes. "Love at first sight" may make for great chic flic's. But it isn't necessarily the best way to create a relationship that can last a lifetime. My best wishes to you!

I would love to work on them, but dont know how, i dont believe in psychologists, been to 6 before i was in high school. and they all were bull. Always going to the same question, how do i feel about the fact my dad left us when i was only 10 months old, for me, it doesnt bother me at all, he came back into my life when i turned 14 (he didnt want to deal with the child stage i guess)

Regarding not finding the right girl. She i believe is the perfect one for me, when people say she might not be the one for me, i go straight to angry, and all my previous girls, i never cared, but this one, i want her in my life. Shes good for me, she made me talk about my demons, My kinks, stuff i feel. why i think i feel a certain way. She's the only one ever who made me want to talk about it. But i haven't told her that i dont know how to emotionally feel affection, its easy to show (act) not to really feel it. i wrote that in a letter to her, still need to give it to her, but im scared it will scare her away, but she has told me countless times, theres nothing i can do that will scare her away, but i have this fear of rejection, that could be a subliminal thing from my dad, dont now.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rust

But i don't feel THAT feeling, i never loved someone before, i don't think i can, or dont know how, that feeling doesnt pop up.
I dont know how to feel the real stuff, i grew up to never get soft. Dont show emotions, you have to man up, and get the job done

I fixed my emotional issues by getting into therapy and sharing meetings where I gradually began to uncover the HUGE ocean of hidden, buried, bottled up and REPRESSED feelings I had been holding down since early childhood. My first breakthrough was to discover the lake of painful, sad and ANGRY feelings that i has successfully kept hidden within me and I went on a WEEPING jag for about a year straight! As the sea of stuck and withheld feelings began to break loose, I began to have genuine feelings of love, empathy, happiness, joy, self acceptance and a lot of other more abstract feelings and memories.
One of my first challenges was to learn how to manage those extremely powerful feelings that I had never really worked with in the past and I made a lot of mistakes bouncing back and forth between innocent love and hateful rage as the feeling came up to be Vented and released. I may have seemed a little INSANE to people who knew me before I began working on myself but I was on a roll so I made no apologies to anyone for finally having some feelings and Vented the best I could. I finally learned how to manage my feelings and have not gone back to stuffing them down just to please someone else. So all I can offer is that, my buried feelings were beginning to ruin my life at 49 and it was do or die when I went for help. It's a very thrilling thing to fine emotional freedom and live openly and honestly with genuine feelings about everything.
You may notice how many people are holding back and protecting their feelings like you were taught to do as a kid and also how many of them are MISERABLE without even knowing why!
IMO, it's a world wide tragedy!
good luck,
jim

[Rust]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

I fixed my emotional issues by getting into therapy and sharing meetings where I gradually began to uncover the HUGE ocean of hidden, buried, bottled up and REPRESSED feelings I had been holding down since early childhood. My first breakthrough was to discover the lake of painful, sad and ANGRY feelings that i has successfully kept hidden within me and I went on a WEEPING jag for about a year straight! As the sea of stuck and withheld feelings began to break loose, I began to have genuine feelings of love, empathy, happiness, joy, self acceptance and a lot of other more abstract feelings and memories.
One of my first challenges was to learn how to manage those extremely powerful feelings that I had never really worked with in the past and I made a lot of mistakes bouncing back and forth between innocent love and hateful rage as the feeling came up to be Vented and released. I may have seemed a little INSANE to people who knew me before I began working on myself but I was on a roll so I made no apologies to anyone for finally having some feelings and Vented the best I could. I finally learned how to manage my feelings and have not gone back to stuffing them down just to please someone else. So all I can offer is that, my buried feelings were beginning to ruin my life at 49 and it was do or die when I went for help. It's a very thrilling thing to fine emotional freedom and live openly and honestly with genuine feelings about everything.
You may notice how many people are holding back and protecting their feelings like you were taught to do as a kid and also how many of them are MISERABLE without even knowing why!
IMO, it's a world wide tragedy!
good luck,
jim

Thank you Jim
I guess then i should maybe go see someone. Its quite sad for a 23year old to go see one. I want to have a normal relationship with my girl. Not just all physical, i need to and want to have an emotional one aswell.

You sound a lot like me and I'm your age, I don't think I give people a chance.

[Solipsist]

Originally Posted by Rust

I would love to work on them, but dont know how, i dont believe in psychologists, been to 6 before i was in high school. and they all were bull. Always going to the same question, how do i feel about the fact my dad left us when i was only 10 months old, for me, it doesnt bother me at all, he came back into my life when i turned 14 (he didnt want to deal with the child stage i guess)

Regarding not finding the right girl. She i believe is the perfect one for me, when people say she might not be the one for me, i go straight to angry, and all my previous girls, i never cared, but this one, i want her in my life. Shes good for me, she made me talk about my demons, My kinks, stuff i feel. why i think i feel a certain way. She's the only one ever who made me want to talk about it. But i haven't told her that i dont know how to emotionally feel affection, its easy to show (act) not to really feel it. i wrote that in a letter to her, still need to give it to her, but im scared it will scare her away, but she has told me countless times, theres nothing i can do that will scare her away, but i have this fear of rejection, that could be a subliminal thing from my dad, dont now.

Give it to her. Sometimes it's easier to write things down than to say them aloud, but getting the information across is important regardless.

About the girl: She sounds like a winner, but a word of caution... many young women have a Saviour complex. It could be our biology's way of getting us prepped for motherhood. Just be cautious that you don't let her be YOUR therapist. Sharing = good. Burdening = bad.

Also, if you are a college/university student there is a good chance you have psychiatric/student help centre access and could probably start visiting a therapist or a peer support member for free. It could be a really good place to start figuring out how to express things and feel things in a safe environment.

[SimonSays1]

Originally Posted by Rust

Thank you, glad to be here. I wasnt abused or anything, i just had to play shrink to my parents from a young age when they were fighting, so i was always the mediator. I think that kind of made me grew up faster than i needed to.

That has a lot to do with everything. Those are your formative years. Me personally, I was abused. I was never allowed to have emotions of my own. My only concern in life throughout my childhood was the emotional well being of my abusers. You may have experienced putting your own emotional development aside to tend to your parents. It was almost as we were never taught to read and now are expected to read Shakespeare.

Everone told me I was old beyond my time. But it was because I needed to be and never had a childhood.

[Rust]

Originally Posted by Solipsist

Give it to her. Sometimes it's easier to write things down than to say them aloud, but getting the information across is important regardless.

About the girl: She sounds like a winner, but a word of caution... many young women have a Saviour complex. It could be our biology's way of getting us prepped for motherhood. Just be cautious that you don't let her be YOUR therapist. Sharing = good. Burdening = bad.

Also, if you are a college/university student there is a good chance you have psychiatric/student help centre access and could probably start visiting a therapist or a peer support member for free. It could be a really good place to start figuring out how to express things and feel things in a safe environment.

Havent thought about that, the savior complex, i try my best not to burden her with all these stuff. I am a working man. So there is no student help centres for me. But we have made progress, to be honest i am starting to feel something for her i think, how minuscule it may be, its very new to me. will give her my letters when i go visit again, she stays about 3 hours away.

[Rust]

Originally Posted by SimonSays1

That has a lot to do with everything. Those are your formative years. Me personally, I was abused. I was never allowed to have emotions of my own. My only concern in life throughout my childhood was the emotional well being of my abusers. You may have experienced putting your own emotional development aside to tend to your parents. It was almost as we were never taught to read and now are expected to read Shakespeare.

Everone told me I was old beyond my time. But it was because I needed to be and never had a childhood.

I had wonderful childhood years, but then there were those days. Those are the most crucial years for everyone. I am sorry to hear about your abuse. More like learn how to sprint downhill before you got the chance to learn how to crawl