[wife22]

I find myself thinking about end of life,more exactly hoping,that I would not be alive in about 10-15 years,(while realizing i'll be only 50),or as soon as my kids are settled and would not acutely need me.I'm not suicidal though,never been ,at all,I can't afford to be that selfish and leave everyone depending on me now.It feels as if I'll be done with my duty by then and would get peace of mind after.Is it selfish idea too?

[squirt151]

maybe you need bit by bit to put things in place to make you feel like there is more worthwhile things in the future. Like what a great grandmother you are going to make to your children's children.

[Altered Moment]

I don't think it is selfish at all. My daughter is 21 now and I feel relief that she is doing good and made it through difficult times.

My brother and his wife are having the empty nest syndrome big time. They are trying to find different roles in life since the kids are gone but they struggle with it.

[Perna]

If you know you are not suicidal at all, it sounds more like a fantasy. A time when you don't have to work so hard, get aching cheek muscles from smiling too much all the time, etc. I've been retired since 2005 and it is both very different and yet the same as it was before? That you are looking so far ahead and imagining when you can't know what it will be like, that's not selfish or anything, just start planning and working over time for something pleasant then. Fifteen years is a lot of time to make something good happen in. Don't just look forward to cease, but to a padded cease Flopping down on the grass in Spring/early Summer is great but a hammock with a cool drink is better?

[arachnophobia.kid]

I don't think it's selfish. I think your fantasy is just a logical way of looking at life, what you value, and then subsequently thinking "what's the point of going on after I've already run the race?"

Chances are in 10 - 15 years you're going to have more reasons to live than you can think of right now, as the variables in terms of what your life is going to be like at that point are endless. I'd say you're probably going to feel differently about all this by then.

[wife22]

Thank you everyone for the response.I am working full time,have 3 kids school age,take care of house.So I wouldn't say it's a fantasy of "what if"because my life is laid back. I don't have enough hours to complete everything.I pretend things are fine,but occasionally,and it happens frequently lately,I'm hit by the pain of frustration,repressed feelings,desire to feel "alive" and knowledge,that it is all over for me. That is when I find myself not wanting"to Be" after my kids are settled,so I wouldn't feel this loneliness and ache over and over,kind of rationalization that my kids would have other support system and would not need me acutely,and I don't believe my husband would miss me much.
I might not be expressing my feeling properly,they've been bottled for too long to make sense now.I'm just tired .,and not physically....