[CrazyGirl6371]

So, for so long, I wanted medicine that would just make me numb. I was so tired of my chaotic, emotional mind. I wanted it all gone.
Now, it mostly is.
And you'd think I'd be really happy about that. Part of me is, but...
What is the point of life if you don't feel anything? If you're just going through it numb (except for those moments when it all comes back and hits you at once)?
I don't feel anything, most of the time, now. And that's what I wanted. But I have two settings - numb and devastatingly depressed.
It's not that I want all of the pain to come back; I still have some pain, even when I'm numb. I'm broken and broken-hearted and - honestly - I'm really scared.
The one person who makes me feel happy and euphoric has crushed my heart. I don't know where to go from here. I don't feel anything usually, and I'm so glad, sometimes. But, really, what is the point?
What is the point of us getting all medicated and numb? What is the point in living if you can't experience life? I don't want the pain back. I want to be happy. And I can't be. I can just be numb or depressed - or both. I can't see a point to living life like this.
I don't think there really is a reason to be alive at this point. There's nothing here for me. No joy, no relationship. I feel like I've lost everything, and I'm so replaceable.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this feeling...

[healingme4me]

((((CrazyGirl6371))))

During my darkest hours, for sure.

[NihilistBlues]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

So, for so long, I wanted medicine that would just make me numb. I was so tired of my chaotic, emotional mind. I wanted it all gone.
Now, it mostly is.
And you'd think I'd be really happy about that. Part of me is, but...
What is the point of life if you don't feel anything? If you're just going through it numb (except for those moments when it all comes back and hits you at once)?
I don't feel anything, most of the time, now. And that's what I wanted. But I have two settings - numb and devastatingly depressed.
It's not that I want all of the pain to come back; I still have some pain, even when I'm numb. I'm broken and broken-hearted and - honestly - I'm really scared.
The one person who makes me feel happy and euphoric has crushed my heart. I don't know where to go from here. I don't feel anything usually, and I'm so glad, sometimes. But, really, what is the point?
What is the point of us getting all medicated and numb? What is the point in living if you can't experience life? I don't want the pain back. I want to be happy. And I can't be. I can just be numb or depressed - or both. I can't see a point to living life like this.
I don't think there really is a reason to be alive at this point. There's nothing here for me. No joy, no relationship. I feel like I've lost everything, and I'm so replaceable.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this feeling...

I think you should than stop your medication.

I have often wished I could get on enough medication so that I would just not feel anything... or maybe not THINK anything. I'm so tired of the fight. I have struggled all my life with depression, anxiety & gender identity disorder. It all goes back so far I don't know what caused what.

One thing I do know though is that the cure for gender identity disorder is something I can never do. So I know I will continue to struggle for the rest of my life. And sometimes I think I just can't stand it for another minute.

I can't tell you what the point of living is if you can't feel anything. But sometimes I ask myself what the point of living is when every day is just another helping of distress...

I sort of did the same thing in reverse. I was numb and wanted to feel. Now I feel and I want to be numb again.

[Daniela0183]

Absolutely, yes I have experienced this feeling. It's a dark place. I used to live in it constantly and it was a sad place to be. Over the last couple of years I have been working like I've never worked in my life, to get to where I'm at now. It's different, but the darkness will always be there, I presume. In fact, it's kind of coming back to me and I'm scared. I'll do everything to not let it pull me under. I did however, write this little piece a few weeks ago. Oct 20th, to be precise:

The blackness has loomed its presence ever so carefully making certain you weren’t aware of its arrival until it had soaked itself in your soul. The shadow engulfed your being without any chance of escape, as there was no warning. A blackness where each day it steals a piece of your soul, where the only chance of retrieval is the battle ground where you fight the battle of your life *for* your life. It’s a blackness where your darkest dreams become the reality you live in. You see the rays of light cascading down as if a savior has come to bare some of the weight of your lifeless core, but you quickly find that it’s all a delusion. The light is untouchable, blocked by a limitless boundary of fear and sadness. The only escape is to bleed out.

I'm deeply sorry that your heart has been hurt. I'm sure many of us know the feeling. I know I certainly do. Gosh, it's almost the worst hurt, isn't it? Being numb sucks, being depressed sucks. Being on medications sucks. You know, this isn't for everyone, but you can always try a holistic approach if the meds are making you completely numb. I took meds for years. They did what they needed to do to get me started on living the life I wanted to live. The only thing I wanted to be was happy. I know life isn't simple. It's complex as hell. But, it can be simple if we let it be. For the past year and a half, I've been trying to "live" without meds. It's hard sometimes. Really hard, in fact. But as cheesy as this is, the movie, "A Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe was a HUGE inspiration to me. If he can do it, then I can do it...not that I have the same disease or disorders, but it all stems from the brain. So far, so good. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if the path you want to be on is a med free path, then you just may be able to accomplish that. It takes time. It takes work. It takes dedication. It takes a fight. But it's sooooo worth it on the good days, and there are SOOOO many more good days than there are bad anymore.

Keep your chin up. The broken heart will pass, I promise.

[CrazyGirl6371]

Thank you all for your replies. My friends are concerned, because I seem off and keep zoning out on them. I work on a rescue truck, and they felt like I couldn't do it, because of my mental condition.. So, last night was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I have to do something about the medication. I can't just be numb and zone out AND do what I enjoy (working on the rescue truck). I'm not willing to compromise my safety and the safety of the patients and - most of all - my friends. If something happened to them, I'd never forgive myself. These guys are like brothers to me; I love them dearly. So, today, I'm calling in to talk about my medication. Sadly, numbness was my goal. Now that I'm here, I don't want it, anymore. So, I'm so lost, now... What happens when you reach your goal and decide that you no longer want it?

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

Thank you all for your replies. My friends are concerned, because I seem off and keep zoning out on them. I work on a rescue truck, and they felt like I couldn't do it, because of my mental condition.. So, last night was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I have to do something about the medication. I can't just be numb and zone out AND do what I enjoy (working on the rescue truck). I'm not willing to compromise my safety and the safety of the patients and - most of all - my friends. If something happened to them, I'd never forgive myself. These guys are like brothers to me; I love them dearly. So, today, I'm calling in to talk about my medication. Sadly, numbness was my goal. Now that I'm here, I don't want it, anymore. So, I'm so lost, now... What happens when you reach your goal and decide that you no longer want it?

Hi CrazyGirl6371: Reading your reply, I felt the urge to respond. You'll have to excuse me. I'm a retired vocational rehabilitation counselor. So when I learn there is a vocational aspect to someone's circumstances, my ears tend to perk up, so to speak.

I'm glad to hear you plan to call with regard to your medications. Hopefully you can find some compromise between the extremes of trying to "go it alone" on the one hand, & being numb on the other. But, at the risk of sounding negative, I'd just like to say, from my perspective, this can be a challenge. Our mental states are always in flux. And, the effectiveness of medications is at best unpredictable. If such was not the case, there'd be allot fewer members here on PC. We'd all be on a med that was perfectly targeted to our own personal circumstances & we'd have no ongoing difficulties related to our mental health challenges. Of course we know this is sadly not the case. At least not at this point in time.

You wrote that you work on a rescue truck. I've never done this type of work. But, years ago, I did work as a nursing assistant in the emergency department at a major medical center. So I do know something of what you probably encounter in your work. In your first post, in this Thread, you wrote about your chaotic, emotional mind & how you just wanted to feel numb. But now that you are, you're finding it's not working for you.

I recall that you indicated you enjoy your work & love your co-workers. However, I want to pose to you that, if you are a person who has a history of having an emotional, chaotic mind, & needing to be on med's to gain some control over it, working on a rescue truck may not be the best combination for you... at least not long term. Because you have the emotional, chaotic mind you have, you may well be attracted to the type of emotional, chaotic work that rescue involves. But, if you'll pardon the analogy, it is like having a highly strung dog. Alone, your highly strung dog is challenge enough to control. But if you then introduce a second highly strung dog into the household, now you have two highly strung dogs together. They feed off each other. And the result is multiplied many times over.

So I would simply like to suggest you consider whether or not, over the long term, your personality & your work situation are really a beneficial combination for you. If you find you cannot locate that perfect med that calms your emotional, chaotic mind, but also keeps you clear-headed & alert, you may want to begin thinking about preparing yourself for some alternative career. Over the long haul, as they say, continuing to expose your emotional, chaotic mind to the equally emotional & chaotic experiences of rescue work, may be like repeatedly throwing cups of starter fluid on a fire.

I wish you all the best. Thanks for reading my reply!

[waggiedog]

Yes, sadly oh yes, I certainly HAVE felt like this many times in the past and I'm guessing I will feel like it sometime in the future. I've craved the numbness and the twilight world which various substances bring. Anything bringing this desired barrier between the world and myself would be welcome. Guess that's one more that your family will have to watch suffering in relative silence. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[CrazyGirl6371]

Thanks, again, for all of the replies. My friends on the squad staged a bit of what I see as an intervention for me. And, long story short, I'm currently med-free... Not long-term, though. Just until Monday, maybe. I feel things, again, unfortunately. But, now, I figured something out (that you'll probably read on my other thread), and - at the moment - I can cry...or I can laugh. Doing a lot of laughing today.