My former friend just got back from a long vacation, during which I had been struggling to come to terms finally with the idea that we are no longer close, and her return has triggered a lot of grief.
I feel the urge to contact her, to try to meet with her, but I know that part of this is just general loneliness, and part is nostalgia. I don't even know what we'd talk about anymore.
We had a codependant relationship: by the end, I was like a stalker parasite, and she screened my calls and pretty much dropped me when I was at my worst. I don't think she wants to come back from it... from her behavior at least it seemed like she was done with us being friends.
We've never said it outright though, so I'm on edge, thinking she might call me all casually and ask to meet up. Every year, up till now, we've spent New Years Eve together, and while I cannot fathom spending that time with her (we barely know each other anymore) I worry that she might want to do it for the sake of tradition.
I'm still grieving over our friendship (8 yrs if you don't count the last one). I don't know how to get over it. What can I do? Even being friends with her online hurts... I see her postings and it's like a fresh insult. She didn't call me when she returned to this country: I saw it online.
It's so stupid! I sound like an ex. She probably doesn't even care as much as I do, but it hurts to think she never cared as much. As I got more and more depressed I think she stopped wanting to have anything to do with me. I'm so ashamed.
I am trying to move forward in my life, but this is one of those things that just sets me back so far. I don't know what to do.

[bea1990]

I understand that you are ashamed of being depressed. I have also felt that way. But hopefully you know that "shame" is just another symptom OF depression and those negative feelings arent your fault.

You say that you guys were "friends" for 8 years... Was it ever more than just a friendship? Or did you have feelings for her?

Originally Posted by bea1990

You say that you guys were "friends" for 8 years... Was it ever more than just a friendship? Or did you have feelings for her?

If I had feelings, I never wanted to act on them. I tried to be a good friend to her, but sometimes I did feel possessive towards anyone usurping her time. I did have a lot of jealousy over her boyfriend, just because he came into her life when we were very close, and suddenly he took priority. He was like her best friend I suppose, and that hurt too, because he provided two roles for her whereas I could only be the next closest friend.

[dfwsteph]

I can understand mourning the loss of the friendship. I had one not too long ago where we were as close as sisters for like 10 years at work, and she flat out stabbed me in the back trying to make herself look good. After that, I just couldn't go back to being friends.

The reality, I think, is your friend has already made it as clear as she is able to. That doesn't have to be something wrong with you...it's about her and the situation.

Possibly she just can't handle having a relationship with a boy and a friendship with you at the same time and had to make a choice. If that's the case, it would be understandable that she couldn't say so. It might help if you can try to see how she felt or where she was coming from.

I hope you can make another friend and still keep a life of your own going...maybe make a couple of friends , although I have been in situations where one friend would get "jealous" of another and that kinda sucks.

This is just my own experience, but maybe it can help....hope so.

stephanie

This seems weird, but I found an article about the difference between a "lover" and a significant other, friend, soulmate etc... and I felt like our relationship was like this. Not in terms of romance, but in the way that she only ever wanted me after a while to do things for her, like be her photography model, or help her avoid an enemy, or get over a heartbreak. When she didn't need me, she didn't want me around just for my company, and I'd be left wondering why.
Early in the friendship we were very close and I think enjoyed eachother's company mutually, but later on, especially into my depression, she began to drop me. This is the article, and I really think it's well done:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattortile/the-one-who-waits

In a way it's perfect, because the author wants a friend in a soulmate, just as I wanted a close friend, not a user.

[BeBrave483]

It's hard to move on from things like this and from things we are used to. Some things are hard to let go of. Try to think of it as a period of grief, hopefully it will start to get easier. It's ok to be sad about it though, but don't let it take over completely. Besides, when someone leaves it makes room for someone who might be better for you. It sounds like you weren't appreciated anymore and you deserve to be appreciated, I'm sure you're a great friend and it is her loss. I know it's east to say all this but time can be a healer and I hope it will be. I would say try phase out looking at her online stuff, I know it's tempting but if it's gonna hurt it's not worth it. Do you have other things to fill the time you usually spent with her? Maybe that would help. I've lost friends recently too so I know how it feels. I used to get really down over it too but if they want to leave then they're not worth us feeling that way.

[kapis]

My five cents:
I agree with BeBrave483. It is hard to move on from things like this, it will be tough going but so totally worth it! Hugs to you that you have the strength to get through this.

I wonder if it might help to come up with an action plan. What I mean is that you could decide on an action say 'I will do 10 push-ups' (whatever it would be). And every time you get anxious and really want to contact this ex-friend of yours or check her online status, you would do the 10 push-ups instead.

What do you think your action could be?