Insulting yourself?

Hello everyone,

I have always imagined a split in my person: a strong/assertive/personable side, and a timid side. I usually go up and down, but lately I have been beating myself up (psychologically) a lot. Sometimes for no apparent reason, my stronger side will just berate the weaker side with insults and personal attacks.

Last year, I worked hard to gain the ability to listen to my self-talk, so now I can identify what is being said and how I feel when these things happen. The other day, I was walking and my mind was clear... the next minute my stronger side was just insulting (there really isn't any other word for it) my weaker side. I listened to the scene while it played out, and then I started feeling bad for my weaker side, who was taking a beating for no reason. So I kind of took a more offensive role, and started thinking about exactly what was happening.

Please bear with me...
One of my favorite television shows features a main character, a timid/shy boy, who wears a medallion that is inhabited with the spirit of an assertive king from another time. When there are challenges in the boy's life, the king takes over the boy's body (peacefully, as they are great friends), and stands up to any bullies that threaten him.

As I thought about what was happening inside of my mind, only one coherent thought/question came up: Would the spirit ever do this to the boy? I feel strongly about these characters (and used their actual names) and I know (and feel) for absolute fact that the stronger one would never ever say anything cross about the boy.

This question has been stuck in my mind for a few days now, and I can't reason a good answer... other than my situation is different, and maybe, in my case, the words are actually true.

Does anyone have any insight as to what is going on? Can anyone identify with my experience, and what did you do once you realized what was going on?

Thank you,
Pkey


Here is a more another, more abstract description:
I know that the things my stronger self says are untrue, but they are the things that my mother says to my father about me. I almost feel like my stronger self uses those words not as my mother intended them - like my stronger self feels something toward my non-stronger self and is using the power behind those words to attack rather than the words themselves. I know that the words themselves are untrue, but since my stronger self uses the emotion behind the words rather than the words themselves, I guess it seems like they cut through my defenses. (I can usually shrug off any direct insults if I know that the words are untrue and there is no emotion behind the words).

Hi pkey: I don't know that you can compare the characters in your TV show to what's going on with you in your mind, any more than you can compare what goes on in television-land with real life. TV characters are, of necessity, pretty-much one-dimensional characters. Real human beings, on the other hand, are complicated multi-dimensional beings.

I don't think it is uncommon at all for a person to have different aspects to their personalities. Some of these may be positive & some may be negative. It sounds to me as though, although you are in one aspect quite a strong & positive person, there is another part of you that feels weak & vulnerable. I'd say that's common. We all have places within us that feel that way.

It seems to me there are two possibilities here. One is there's some part of yourself you are currently unable to accept... perhaps something or things that happened in the past that hurt you. Or the other possibility may be that the stronger part of you recognizes there is this soft spot inside that could be harmed, & your stronger self does not want to accept the more vulnerable part. Either way this is really a matter of integrating the two aspects of your personality.

One way to do this, of course, is through therapy. On the other hand, if you can come to accept that everyone has this "soft spot" inside & that it is actually something of great value, then you may be able to resolve your inner conflict yourself. I don't know if you enjoy reading or not, but if so the books that have been written by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön deal directly with how to come to know this inner soft spot & in what way it is of great value.

i am questioning if you are dissociative and have coconsciousness going on. my alters would drive me crazy with all the mean things they would say. do you have a therapist you could talk to about this? getting one that specializes in trauma and dissociation is really important. others just dont know how to handle it.

Thank you for your replies... I don't know that I had a "traumatic" childhood - more like my parents weren't happy with who I was, and both my parents and other kids said some pretty mean things to me. I guess I was either discouraged from complaining, or I just didn't know anyone "safe" to complain to, so as a result I guess I just held it in. Actually, I found some wonderful TV shows whose characters embodied the struggles that I thought I had. I could relate to them... In my entire life (even now) I really only pay attention to a few shows; far less than the "average" person who just watches everything. But each of my shows have brilliant writing and plot lines and I am very happy to have found them because they protected me when I was a kid.

I guess I got used to just holding it in, and even now I don't have anyone that I would feel "safe" showing my real self to. Maybe I can't accept my inner self because nobody finds value in it except for me? But shouldn't I be able to value myself without anyone's permission? Am I doomed to beating my head against this wall until... until when? forever? How do I find what I am looking for when I don't know what I'm looking for?

It is normal for one to identify with move characters. It helped you with your healing. You healed from this. Go ahead and identify with those characters. They represent parts of yourself that helped you win your battles. Embrace them fully! They are part of your Healing. When you are feeling down, pop in one of those DVDs to remind you as to who you are.

There is a phenomenon called 'auditory imprints',
which is the stuff we heard as children which is so
deeply embedded in the psyche,we actually think it
originates from ourselves,when in fact it was put
there by our parents. If you can recognize this,and
tell it to piss off,you will improve no end.

Not to mention society!