[Secretum]

I am so bitter. My life has been a long string of failures and disappointments. I'm 23, living at home with my parents, no romantic partner (and there never has been one), only working a few hours per week at my mom's business, in school earning a degree that will do nothing but make me more competitive for med school and I'm not even sure if I want to go to med school. I've ruined nearly every chance and opportunity that has come my way.

I'm so jealous of people who are more successful-academically, career-wise, socially-and let's face it, most people are quite a bit more successful than me. I want to be someone else, to be born as someone else, live out their life trajectory, have their personality traits and intelligence and skill sets. I feel that being someone else is the only thing that could ever get me a better life, because I am doomed as myself.

I so wish I were someone else.

I feel like the worst person on the planet, and not in just one way-I'm smart but not brilliant (so it doesn't count), I'm not pretty, people tend to dislike me and not understand me...I thought I was a good and nice person at least, but all this anger and envy triggered by my sad life circumstances is making me question even that.

I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. For the past year, I've been jumping from crisis to crisis. I feel like I'm slipping, falling, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get back up.

How do I stop being so bitter? Convinced that as long as I'm me, it will never get better? Get over my intense envy of other people? Learn to be hopeful again?

God, I just wish I had been born someone else.

[CANDC]

Secretum,

I understand how you feel being down in the dumps. When I start tearing myself down, I burn everything down to the ground.

So then what do I do?

Well I start to assess my assets.
I no longer expect anything of myself, so anything I do is a plus.
I have nothing to lose so I go with my instincts and choose a path that I like okay.
I stop judging myself harshly and just do the best I can.
I start worrying about other people more than myself. What can I do to help someone else?

Now I am not the center of my attention. I am asking what little things I can do. It beats wading in the misery I am nearly up to my ears in. I almost start to feel good.

Maybe I am going to start treating myself with dignity and respect. I am a human being.

[Thunder Bow]

In addition...you may want to move out into your own place, and find a job working for someone else.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Secretum

How do I stop being so bitter? Convinced that as long as I'm me, it will never get better? Get over my intense envy of other people? Learn to be hopeful again?

Hi Secretum,

Have a look at this and see if it rings true for your experience

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

There's something easy and fun to try in this thread that might make a huge difference for you. See post #74 too.

- vital

[Secretum]

Thanks for the replies. CANDC, I found your reminder that we are all human and deserving of respect really helpful and comforting. I do kind of treat myself as if I have no value if I don't produce, which is a horrible way to treat anyone. Really, after reading your post Monday night did a lot of good for me, and helped me to be kinder to myself.

Thunder, I wish that I could do that, but I need to live at home to save money. I'd like to get a different job, but every time I mention it my mom looks really sad, as if she is wondering if working for her isn't good enough for me. I will graduate with my masters in May, so I'll be free then. Not able to find a better paying job, mind you, because my degree can only help me get into med school. But I will be able to be on my own again.

Vital, thanks so much for the link. I was really impressed by your theory and method. I will try snapping! I definitely feel powerless, like I have zero influence over the course of my life. I've been trying to find a way to give myself a semblance of control for a long time.

The life I have is also kinda pointless. Ever since being a grade schooler, or before that, I've only played with consoles and was immersed into the computer world. The grades were always horrible, and there was nothing to look forward to tomorrow. I just wasted my time and life in games and art. And that's still how it is nowadays. I've slowly turned into an abomination they call computer geek/nerd, because that's all I could amount to. With a little bit of art and language immersion. I'm convinced that I have no life to waste or gain though.

I've got too lazy to accomplish anything. I make plans or ideas, only to get immersed into different things and don't finish what I start. And these are not even interests, just a carefree geek playing around, not taking anything seriously. This life is absolutely ridiculous. So I just think of it as a rather bland SimCity-like experimental game.

People don't understand why I constantly give up on myself – because there is no difference if I continue or fall now…When activities become meaningless, then it's nothing to live for. There is no enjoyment for me to be found in this life. When no one understands or cares, why stay.

I don't fit in anywhere. Most of the reason for no purpose and no passion is because no one supports or cares about me. You can only do things for yourself for so long – and when it comes to wanting to share your experiences with someone, only emptiness awaits. This is the worst part of life. That nature forces you to be social to be able to thrive.

If you take away my geeky side, and all that I'm forcing myself to do, then I'm just dead inside. I see nothing positive in the future to come. There is some hope for improvement, but then I realize there is no improvement possible for me. So I just take it easy and careless.

I'm now in such a state that I have no will or determination or even a point to exist. The thing about life is that it's only good as long as you have at least one person around who can stabilize you. Once that person ceases to be there, you'll fall, and you'll become nonchalant, useless, meaningless, purposeless and just a blank existence. It's very tough and relentless just existing for your own self. The way I am.

But then you don't need someone to be closely around to gain meaning where there is none anymore. I watch violinists and other artists in YouTube, and insta-realize the meaning of life. It gives me power to do something and be as passionate as them in something for a while - if only I could express things...so what you need is a NEW perspective when everything feels bleak. That's going to get you started somewhere. Even if you end up failing all over again.

I'm a loner. I rarely talk to people, and only have one aquaintance (not even, because we only talk once per a few months). I am creative and lazy, the worst combination. I am only focused when I try to troubleshoot things or solve problems. But even there, only very specific problems interest me. I can be obsessive, strange and crazy - which drives people further away. Not doing anything (slacking through the day) is my favorite activity. When I feel like it, sometimes I can attempt to do something. I failed my 1st year of current school because I didn't like a teacher who kept bullying me and my laughing classmates.

I can be a very positive or a very negative person. But mostly negative, I only become positive when you approach me in a positive way with a HONEST intention to care 'bout me and cheer me up someway. Just freakin' talk a few words to this recluse loner, and I'll kiss your feet for eternity. (just joking)

I select who to befriend, which ends me to having no friends at all. Because I have unrealistic or fictional expectations, but humans can't be like that (god-like, dream-like). Only had acquaintances, and only a few (1-3) in my life.

I wrote this in hopes you could learn something from my experiences. But if not, no problem. I'm used to being avoided and ignored.

[Secretum]

Wow, NotTooShabby. You've really been through a lot. You are a strong person for carrying on in spite of all of that, and even taking time to help me. I completely understand about being creative and lazy. Terrible combination. Add loneliness to the mix, and life is a living hell.

From what you wrote, you seem like a pretty cool person. Creative. Talented with computers. Kind and compassionate. Don't deprive the people of this world of your company any longer; I'm sure there are plenty of people who would love a friend like you!

Also, btw, geeks and nerds are the best kind of people. I am a proud nerd!

Aaand I'm still at rock bottom. These days I'm sleeping in the afternoons, and always wake up to some pain (that feels like inner bleeding). While I sleep, I feel some relief at last, but waking up is always so painful, and this body feels like mud in the morning and I have some trouble getting up in the first place. (While I was in the hospital, I noticed that I could easily sleep for days, even the whole day.)

Today I went to school, but was really messed up and anxious, so I ended up finding the empty seat (on the 2nd floor that faces the wall) with the desk and try to forget the world...but the people were moving constantly around me, so I couldn't take it after one hour of idle waiting, and after 2 classmates came to ask me why I don't go in to class (and I muttered something like "because I feel terrible"), so I went out from school and waited 1 hour in the freezing cold at the public transport, observing people awkwardly (that 1 hour was needed not go home too early) and watch many trams go and leave. My whole body was quite freezing by the time I got home, so I slept until now to recover some life...

That is how a day of mine looks like. And the weekends are even more terrible, because then I have to bear my parents' indirect abuse. So the only reverence left is the computer and arts.

I'm not strong at all, otherwise I would not have these suicide tendencies take over me, such as almost getting hitten by cars (not just once), or jogging in the city in hopes to get into an accident somewhere, etc. I do these suicide experiments to see whether life still needs me or not. Because no one is there to tell me, you see.

When I see the ticket inspector thoroughly check me, that is fate's way of saying: "you were very stupid to wait 1 hour in the freezing cold, here is your repayment for doing so" - also then I felt like I was a homeless bum to the ticket inspector because I must have looked frozen and dubious -

Sorry, got another useless rant here.

Originally Posted by Secretum

From what you wrote, you seem like a pretty cool person. Creative. Talented with computers. Kind and compassionate. Don't deprive the people of this world of your company any longer; I'm sure there are plenty of people who would love a friend like you!

I don't think so?

Originally Posted by Secretum

Also, btw, geeks and nerds are the best kind of people. I am a proud nerd!

Is being a nerd about caring about things no one else cares about but only you? To me, it also means no social life or care about oneself, just an obsession over things only you care about.

Back in the golden days, I did game modding and also a few chiptune music (am I the only one who loves 8-bit music?)...that's some of the past, but I really can't recall much. Ever used FastTracker 2? Now I'm still trying composing a few, though not 8-bit, but just random tunes, but it's hard without passion. So I listen to other music artists in hopes to gain inspiration -
Sometimes I also write some game ideas (plot)...nothing too fancy.

When it comes to trying to get back to life...I read manga no one reads, play games noone does, and other interests no one cares. I don't do it habitually anyway.

Lastly, there is this song. Which is the #1 candidate for my unofficial theme song. The mood is just right. Digital fantasy, hell yes!

[Thunder Bow]

You Mom may look sad at 1st. But the sadness my turn to relief, when you get out from under her wing.