[Artchic528]

I am trying to deal with my unhealthy obsession over a guy. I've realized i've come to see him as a "source of happiness" in my mind and because of that, I get a sense of pleasure and thus think of him often. It's become downright destructive to my health to do so and he has long since left my life.

How does one break an unhealthy obsession like this?

[sideblinded]

Artchic528

You sound like you are very aware that you have a problem. That is a great step in the right direction. Have you considered counseling? This behavior may be the start of new problems to come. It is best to get this fixed now as it may become a pattern. He is long gone so is this a waste of your precious life? Have you tried reading any books on living in the now like the book Wherever You Go There You Are? by Jon Kabat-Zinn? I find this reading very centering and it brings me to the present.

Best wishes and I hope this helps some.

[avlady]

I am obsessed with an ex and the hardest thing is trying not to think about him. So i know what you mean

[Artchic528]

Yeah. I am Journaling constantly almost to get my emotions out. I am looking to 2015 as a new beginning and maybe a bether year than 2014 was. I made a resolution to not let him have power over me this coming year.

[K2TOG]

I'm in the same boat and all I can say is it takes time. For some it will take longer than others. I wish I had a magic potion so I could let go and be happy again. I'm curious what other advice will be given to your question.

[Artchic528]

I have employed some techniques to this situation. They were read about on this site and some were even given to me by my therapist. Visualizing a stop sign whenever I am thinking about him. Telling myself it's not my fault, which works the best for me. That sort of thing

K2TOG, your screen name is reminding me that knitting is another good thing to do when I am obsessing. It occupies my mind and hands enough that I don't think about him. My mind is to preoccupied with the stitches.

[K2TOG]

Yes, K2TOG means knit 2 together. My counselor also told me about the stop sign technique. Or where a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you are thinking about him.

Have we asked ourselves why we have not or do not want to let go? Why do we want to keep those memories/fantasies alive? For myself deep down I want someone to love me.

Thinking back over my life I have ALWAYS wished and wanted for things I do not have. It's like I live in the future or a fantasy world. I'm working in appreciating what I have and living in the moment.

But it's hard when you are lonely and miss having companionship and a lover. It's lonely sleeping alone every night and not having someone to hold you or have someone to hold.

I assume there are single people that are content with being alone. I often wonder how they got to that point or are they secretly aching inside?

Anyway this is a great topic and I'm glad Artchic528 posted it. Happy new year everyone! It's a new year and chapter in our lives!

[f33db4ck]

Look into your attachment style.
you may be anxious preoccupied
google it

[K2TOG]

Originally Posted by f33db4ck

Look into your attachment style.
you may be anxious preoccupied
google it

Thanks so much for the information. It sure explains a lot and was very useful information!

[Artchic528]

f33db4ck, I do believe I am anxious preoccupied. It fits me to a T. How does one stop that kind of attachment?

[restlesssoul83]

I know how you feel. You would think if it didn't work the first time around, or the second, or the fifteenth, you would have given up on him. But you don't. You keep pushing the inevitable. Do you try to meet other people? Do you get out enough to meet others? In my case, I am pretty sheltered and I have a hard time trusting people to try and get to know somebody else. I have gotten involved with my exes because it's familiar and I am comfortable with them, even though they haven't always been the nicest to me or they weren't right for me, I push the inevitable because I am afraid to be alone. Even though sometimes I enjoy being alone. But it sucks to be lonely.

[Artchic528]

Well, unlike you, the first time was the last time for me. This guy won't even allow me to talk to him. I believe his exact words were "I'm done". I guess telling him you're going to end it all if he won't love you, then blowing up at his friends for telling him to step away from the "crazy lady", aren't the ways to his heart. LOL

Either way, I know it's a lost cause and I'm willing to accept it as that. My mind anyways. My heart keeps going back to the feelings he caused to well up inside me with the sweet words he said. However, like the age old saying goes..."There is no such thing as a man in shining armor, just a man in a tinfoil suit". What I'm trying to say, without generalizing too terribly much, is that a woman must be in charge of their own heart and happiness, and not believe a man can make them happy, or save them from their own demons.

At the time I wasn't thinking he could save me from my demons or anything, but now I realize he was never going to be serious. He never had plans to be. Not the kind of person I want to spend my time and energy on. Why waste time and energy on a guy if they don't have the same ideas and goals about a relationship? I guess he'll always be a flirtatious tease, and never want to settle down (I could go on calling him names and wallowing in my contempt and anger about the situation as well, but that's not doing anyone any favors either).

Now I'm going to be terribly cliche now, and despite how much I utterly despise platitudes, I will say this: You must be able to find your center, and be happy with yourself so that people, especially men (or women, as the case may be for you), will want to be near you and share in your happiness. It's happiness and joy that are the most attractive things about a person. Who would want to hang around a gloomy depressed person all day and be brought down by that gloomy disposition?

Okay, I've said enough. I'm going to just let my words sink in.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by K2TOG

Yes, K2TOG means knit 2 together. My counselor also told me about the stop sign technique. Or where a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you are thinking about him.

Have we asked ourselves why we have not or do not want to let go? Why do we want to keep those memories/fantasies alive? For myself deep down I want someone to love me.

Thinking back over my life I have ALWAYS wished and wanted for things I do not have. It's like I live in the future or a fantasy world. I'm working in appreciating what I have and living in the moment.

But it's hard when you are lonely and miss having companionship and a lover. It's lonely sleeping alone every night and not having someone to hold you or have someone to hold.

I assume there are single people that are content with being alone. I often wonder how they got to that point or are they secretly aching inside?

Anyway this is a great topic and I'm glad Artchic528 posted it. Happy new year everyone! It's a new year and chapter in our lives!

I asked my therapist about it as i have two friends who never date never married and approaching 40 and they seem content./

my therapist said that it is OK to take time off even a longer time but NEVER be in a relationship is against human nature and cannot possibly make these people happy. just because they arent moping around in front of you it doesnt mean they are happy, maybe just accepted what it is. i think she is right, that isnt something natural for humans, to be alone? no

[divine1966]

Ive read somewhere if obsession over ex goes over a year then it is unhealthy and needs to be addressed professionally but anything within a year is OK

[8thstreetbungalow]

I know the feeling, i felt like this with a girl and she convicted me for harrassment. I still have feelings for her and we never dated ever. Its been like 7 years lol

[Artchic528]

...I guess I'm lucky I wasn't convicted of harassment.

Just as well, nothing ever really works out in the end for me. Why bother anymore? My heart still falls for guys every now and again. I just have to do a better job of beating it into submission. Must not be entranced by the opposite sex again. Must not. Only disappointment awaits me if I do.

[8thstreetbungalow]

You will find someone, keep your head up. Everyone gets rejected over and over again. Even models. Sometimes people will reject you just to make themself look "cool".

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by 8thstreetbungalow

You will find someone, keep your head up. Everyone gets rejected over and over again. Even models. Sometimes people will reject you just to make themself look "cool".

Well, if models get reject multiple times....I must be rejected at least 100 fold more often. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a tall and leggy model. Anyway...I wrote a nice lengthy rant on my lack of faith in humanity just now, and I'm just angry at the world right now.

Sorry. I do appreciate the kind words. I'm just beyond discouraged and cranky because I can't sleep. Mostly because I'm too upset to sleep. Upset to the point of tears.

I'm better off just stopping this post before I say something insensitive again.

[sgreens1]

I think counseling is a good idea as while, but do you still stay in contact with this person?

Hey there. I've been there on two seperate occassions. My most recent example began in 2011 and ended last year. It was a roller coaster of emotions. He was in a long term relationship and being attracted to and obsessed with him was painful and difficult. In order to move on, I've tried:
- Admitting to myself that I needed to get over him. You seem to have gotten that part down. Great job!
- Avoid all places I know he'll be and when. This part was difficult because when you're obsessed with him, you want to be where he is. Take it easy. Hang in there. For me it was about avoiding weekly seminars. He was a Masters student, me an undergrad. With our course, weekly seminars were compulsory. I skipped most. I gave in some weeks, just to see him. After a while, it became easier.
- Focus on you. I find journalling or even talking about him produced thoughts about him in my head. I would analyse and re-analyse everything he did and said. It's counter productive if you're trying to move on.
-When you find yourself thinking about him, don't push it out. It would make it more difficult later on. Ride it out. Then decide mentally that that's enough.

Spend time on you. Find new hobbies. Try to turn your attention to something else- art, music, poetry. Anything. Something that will take up your timen something you can invest your energy into, lose yourself in. For me, it was writing short stories and drawing.

Remember, it's your brain, your energy, your tears. You have every right to decide to waste no more mental capacity, or happiness on him.

I hope this helps you. I truly do. I know how you're feeling. Also, google how to get over a guy. There are some other tips that I used on there. It worked.

Good luck to you.

[Artchic528]

Meh. I don't know. I just don't know.