[Steiner of Thule]

Guess not. I don't want to live anymore. I end up trying to hide just like I've always done. So anxious. Meds don't help. I guess I should explain.

Does it matter if I explain though?

I'll just be told to go to the doctor again. Go see my psychiatrist! "You mean the guy that just left town?" Yes him. Wait. No I got a new doc now. I'm so anxious. "I can tell, you're trembling. You're also talking to yourself." Ah yeah I'm cold and shaking but more from the anxiety. Why am I anxious. Well my cousin has come over today and I just don't want to go out. My dad is embarrassing me. My mom is embarrassing me. I don't want to exist anymore.

This 12 year old is pitying me. I'm practically 10 years older and this guy is pitying me. I feel a mix of shame. He comes to my room first thing and he's like "what are you doin?" I lie and say "Oh. Hi. Didn't know you were here." His parents and grandma came over too. I'm like oh. I go out and sit on the couch trying not to be noticed. *Invisible* Of course my parents try to encourage interaction. "Come out and socialize!"

Eventually I hide away.

The 12 year old starts trying to small talk me. "How are your friends." First question. He thinks I have no friends. *He's right!!* I respond, "They're fine I think." Haven't talked to them in over 3 years. "How's school?" I'm still not applied for classes. I of course lie again. "School is good." He then says oh okay, I'll just leave you here to your youtube and stuff." I was watching youtube stuff when he walked in.

I feel anxious and want to disappear. So in my room I'm hiding and feel ashamed. Uncomfortable from the anxiety. My dad comes in and he's like, "come out, take more meds if you have to." Take more meds? TAKE MORE MEDS! Of course the answer is obvious HAH more meds. I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT! Oh wait already did. I can't take more meds. It doesn't work that way. Right? They aren't instant working. My meds being prozac and seroquel. I guess this is the first real test and I've been lying to myself that they were working. I thought they were working but when it comes to real socializing, I can't.

I'm being shamed for how I am.

I am ashamed of me. I guess I can try to hide in bed and hope they get the idea.

I feel like all my plans are impossible. I had plans but now slam everything that was hidden from me is again revealed. I thought I was winning but I guess not. I lose. I'm just some anxious guy that can't socialize with his own family. The worst thing is how I can't be helped. It all gets downplayed. "It's easy just talk!" The line repeated in my life over and over. I just have nothing to say. I get flustered. I get enraged. I get ashamed. Angry with myself. I can't live with myself. I may as well stop taking these meds.

[Livnlrn]

I don't know what I can say that will be able to make you feel better. All I can say though is that you're not alone with feeling the way you do. I do know that every situation is different. But regardless of however it happened... The way you n others feel that way as well. There's no magic drug. There's no magic words that is going to make it all better just like that. I can tell you that I was at the lowest level I have ever been on in my whole life. I hated waking up and still do a lot of the time. But I decided to give my life at least one more week. With death its permanent. No way to ever be able to have a chance to be happy. Idk what you are in the views of religion. Myself is a firm believer in God. I'm slowly getting closer to God and then taking a moment at a time each day. It is worth it. Your life is worth it.... Happiness is not out of the question. I was sure that it was for me. But it hasn't been. Some days are still tough. If I have a good day then I am happy. I just let things happen n then just do the best I can. Try to take care of yourself and not worry about what others think. Take baby steps and then a moment at a time. Then you will not even know what happened until you look back n think 'wait, I just laughed. I just had a good time. ' The way you will be able to see the happiness in life is a lot more than that of what others see it as. Because when its all said and done.... The mountain or mountains that make you stronger than the way you could not be in this situation and I know that it'd be the last place anyone would want to be in.... But it is all ALL worth it n life is not taken for granted when you have to go through the way things are NOW... But not forever.

[Livnlrn]

Btw if you need to talk or just someone to listen, I'm here.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

This 12 year old is pitying me. I'm practically 10 years older and this guy is pitying me. I feel a mix of shame. He comes to my room first thing and he's like "what are you doin?" I lie and say "Oh. Hi. Didn't know you were here." His parents and grandma came over too. I'm like oh. I go out and sit on the couch trying not to be noticed. *Invisible* Of course my parents try to encourage interaction. "Come out and socialize!"

Eventually I hide away.

The 12 year old starts trying to small talk me. "How are your friends." First question. He thinks I have no friends. *He's right!!* I respond, "They're fine I think." Haven't talked to them in over 3 years. "How's school?" I'm still not applied for classes. I of course lie again. "School is good." He then says oh okay, I'll just leave you here to your youtube and stuff." I was watching youtube stuff when he walked in.
I'm being shamed for how I am.
I may as well stop taking these meds.

Steiner of Thule, relating to other people can be challenging especially when you don't feel good. The meds are helping you from sinking further into despair.

You know what really impresses me about your post. People love you, all the anxiety and anger, they still love you.

That 12 year old was expressing love in the only way he knew how. Pretty wonderful little person. That wasn't pity in his eyes. It was love.

I know 10,000 people that would be overjoyed to have one person love them. You are a lucky person in ways you may not now know.

[jdyoung]

Steiner of Thule, I completely understand your situation. Growing up I had problems socializing because I was different than everyone else. After struggling through middle school and getting diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, I was constantly hiding away. The outside world offered nothing to me but blacktops and concrete. People didn't exist. For all I cared, back then I could have lived on this planet by myself and be perfectly content.

Livnlrn is right. It takes time. You have to learn to overcome the fears and antagonists playing in your head. Technically you have in many ways. The fact that you are able to come seeking community and keeping an open dialogue takes a lot of courage. Talking about things like this is hard and many people don't understand the hardships of depression, anxiety, etc.

I do though. I'm sure the others posting here experienced it too and I say that I am here for you. I can't speak for everyone but I like to think that we are all here for you, all here for each other. I'm pretty much homeless right now and because I have a little bit of support each day, I can make it through the day. Take it one day at a time and focus on the little victories you have each day rather than the failures you endure overtime. You are not a failure. You are a winner. If you ever need to take, drop a message.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Steiner of Thule, relating to other people can be challenging especially when you don't feel good. The meds are helping you from sinking further into despair.

You know what really impresses me about your post. People love you, all the anxiety and anger, they still love you.

That 12 year old was expressing love in the only way he knew how. Pretty wonderful little person. That wasn't pity in his eyes. It was love.

I know 10,000 people that would be overjoyed to have one person love them. You are a lucky person in ways you may not now know.

I don't even know this guy. People keep telling me to play with him because he's lonely. If anything he is just really really lonely. I don't show any emotions. I'm rather stone-faced. I avert eye contact.

People put up with me because I am there.

They wouldn't actively seek me out. I realize this. They like me maybe because of blood but for the most part people just put up with me because it would make them look like an *** if they were to treat me the way they really feel about me.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by jdyoung

Steiner of Thule, I completely understand your situation. Growing up I had problems socializing because I was different than everyone else. After struggling through middle school and getting diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, I was constantly hiding away. The outside world offered nothing to me but blacktops and concrete. People didn't exist. For all I cared, back then I could have lived on this planet by myself and be perfectly content.

Livnlrn is right. It takes time. You have to learn to overcome the fears and antagonists playing in your head. Technically you have in many ways. The fact that you are able to come seeking community and keeping an open dialogue takes a lot of courage. Talking about things like this is hard and many people don't understand the hardships of depression, anxiety, etc.

I do though. I'm sure the others posting here experienced it too and I say that I am here for you. I can't speak for everyone but I like to think that we are all here for you, all here for each other. I'm pretty much homeless right now and because I have a little bit of support each day, I can make it through the day. Take it one day at a time and focus on the little victories you have each day rather than the failures you endure overtime. You are not a failure. You are a winner. If you ever need to take, drop a message.

I overcome them and then they come to **** on me during special times. Reminding me of everything bad about myself. How I am an annoying uninteresting person. How over time I've become more annoying and more uninteresting. It's not just a single effort. It's a group effort to do this to me. I have goals in mind and yet I wonder if I will buckle like in the past. Probably. It's lonely being me. I guess I should stop disagreeing with people because when you disagree it makes you look like you're ungrateful for the talk/advice/response. Perhaps I am an ungrateful scumbag. No not perhaps- I am an ungrateful scumbag. I'm not bipolar so I guess our reasons for hiding away would be different. Not sure how long you've hidden away for but it's always different. I can't trust people when they say we are alike because we are never alike. EVER! I just go ahead and say we are alike because it makes people feel like I agree with them when in reality people are always saying they relate when they don't in the slightest.

It's happened so much where people say they relate and then when I listen I get hurt and let down because it's just not true. No one is like me. Like at all. Different people. Possibly similar situations. Nothing the same about us though. Completely different reasons. Always always always.

[seesaw]

Steiner, I'm sorry you're going through this. I find you an interesting and fun person. At least online. I hope things get better IRL.

Seesaw

[avlady]

yes, try to believe in yourself first, which may take some learning. i had the same experience in high school.i had no friends, sorry to say i was the poor girl in the rich girls school. there must be something that makes you feel like you have no friends? anxiety crept up on me because i couldnt express myself from be alone for so long. i attempted suicide 2 times, hospitalised at the end of living at home with my 9 brothers and sisters, you would think i would be happy because of them but they drove me crazy, i was the 2nd eldest.I ended up to what some jerks woul call me a loser, but i am actually happy now im 53 years old and glad someone hospitalized me because i was out of control with the drinking and drug use. i did have a few jobs, but accidents scarred my carreer too. i have to say i am soo happy someone reached out like your friend did, to me too, years later i understood it and i think it was an act of God, not wanting to sound too religious, but stick to your guns, and keep accepting the acts of kindness even if it is embarrassing at the time.

[Artchic528]

Steiner, use SNAP CLUB. It saved my life.

[niceguy]

Just wondering... when you are in these group situations and you want to hide -what is going through your mind. The kid you spoke of was trying to initiate a conversation, and tbh small talk can be quite easy - simply ask people about themselves, most people love to talk incessantly about themselves. Standard.

I think your dad was kind of out of line with the comment he made, but since he cannot understand what you are going through, maybe cut him some slack.

Your life will never have an easy and straightforward answer, but unless you keep pushing yourself into these situations you will only get progressively worse, until there is no one left by you. People usually discuss similarities as a way of bonding, try not to shun them for saying that you are alike. It is a large form of flattery and perhaps you don't see yourself the way they do. Which could mean you are similar and unaware. Ironically, they say the things in others we cannot stand are actually a reflection of ourselves.

I would try and push forward, all the best...

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by niceguy

Just wondering... when you are in these group situations and you want to hide -what is going through your mind. The kid you spoke of was trying to initiate a conversation, and tbh small talk can be quite easy - simply ask people about themselves, most people love to talk incessantly about themselves. Standard.

I think your dad was kind of out of line with the comment he made, but since he cannot understand what you are going through, maybe cut him some slack.

Your life will never have an easy and straightforward answer, but unless you keep pushing yourself into these situations you will only get progressively worse, until there is no one left by you. People usually discuss similarities as a way of bonding, try not to shun them for saying that you are alike. It is a large form of flattery and perhaps you don't see yourself the way they do. Which could mean you are similar and unaware. Ironically, they say the things in others we cannot stand are actually a reflection of ourselves.

I would try and push forward, all the best...

The things I can't stand really are more things I have none of.