[reaching to ?]

I am scared to tell my doc or any health care worker how I am really feeling because I don't want to be locked up or hospitalized to be politically correct. I am hanging by my finger nails trying to not hurt myself. The truth is I really don't want to live anymore, not because of life issues but because I cant stand feeling the way I feel. constantly fighting the demons. I am paralized by my anxiety to the point that I can barely spend time wwith my family. I feel sorry for myself because of the depression. I feel like my family is turning on me. I didn't know where to turn so that is why I am here. Reaching to?

[sideblinded]

reaching to ?, I am here reading your words and wondering what words of mine would help you to know that you are not alone. I am here trying to figure out how to help you so many miles away yet only a few key strokes so close. I don't want you to hurt yourself and yet I know you need to feel something to take your emotional pain away. What can I do for you? Can you trust your thoughts right now. Thoughts are always changing and they will dissipate like thin air in just a little while. Hang on to one good thought. Just find one good thing to hang on to and think about it very strongly. Try to only think in a moment. Not today, not tomorrow, not yesterday but right now. Can you catch a thought for just a moment and not let it try to turn negative. It may sound strange but give it a try. Hugs are already on their way to you in Ontario.......

[kaliope]

i am sorry that you are struggling with these feelings. i completely understand your fears. i had a fear of being locked up all my life and then i said the wrong thing to a fresh doc and off i went. there are levels of wanting to hurt yourself and die though and i am going to be candid in talking to you about those. my phd also evaluated and locked people up as a side job. he knew my fears. i talked freely to him about my suicidal thoughts, my plans, my dream to be dead and he never once locked me up....but he was friends with my boss..it wouldnt go over well......but he sat me down and had a frank discussion with me one day about his thoughts and how he went against his gut a number of times and didnt hospitalize me when he thought i needed it. he thought i needed it. since i really trusted him i went. i have had a couple therapists since and always ask their "lock up" policy, and discuss how freely i can talk.

from your post i dont know how worried to be about you. i know how i talked and how much i scared others, but i also knew that i could keep myself safe when it came down to it. when you say "hanging on your fingernails to not hurt yourself" are we discussing self harm or enacting a suicide plan? most therapists dont hospitalize over self harm unless the client is ACTIVELY suicidal. so if you talk about self harm, dont talk about suicide. typically you can talk about suicidal thoughts, cause everybody has them at one time or another, it only becaomes worrisome if you have a plan that is actually feasible. but generally i have found, as long as i can assure my safety, then it is safe to talk about my death. i made the mistake of telling my doctor how i planned on doing it once, and he wouldnt prescribe my meds until i brought all my meds in and then he only prescribed a week at a time.

the thing is, i know i can keep myself safe. i have been suicidal my whole life. i have made attempts. i have learned that when i start scaring myself, that it is serious. that is why i went into the hospital. because i knew i couldnt keep myself safe anymore. i hope that if you cant keep yourself safe that you reach out for help, if you go into the hospital you can check out after the crisis is over. if you get committed it is no longer your choice when you are released to freedom.

it sounds like you have a lot of stressors. imagine a balance scale. the image in my signature. it is why i have it there. to remind me. we strive for balance in our lives. but when we have all these negative stressors piling up on one side of the scale we get out of balance if we dont have coping resources on the other side to balance it out. that can lead to anxiety and depression and if stressful enough, wanting to die. so what you have to do is get some resources for the other side to balance life back out again. my family was a source of my ptsd so i disowned them. one stressor gone. i got into therapy, coping resource. i got on antidepressants and antianxiety meds, more coping resources. i learned relaxation skills and mindfulness, more coping resources. i got my degree and earned more money....etc..........but now i have more resources than i need for when things pop up in my life that throw me off balance.

things can change. they really can. i never thought i would see the light of day again, but i did. hang in there. there is hope.

[reaching to ?]

Thank you for your inspiration. I also have lived with suicidal feelings my whole life. Just these days seem stronger. I also know the point on when its time to go get help. But I am struggling if I want help. I have fought the battle so long, tried everything and still after years and years I feel like I back where I started, maybe with more knowledge but unable to put to use.

Today I wanted to be a good day as tomorrow I am faced with a huge trigger for me that I have no choice but to face.

Again thank you for your incite

[BLUEDOVE]

Just short thing which may or may not apply to you.
I found out my anxiety originated from fear of my
parents when very young,and consequently TRANSFERRED on to world at large and people in
it.
Blessings,
BLUEDOVE