[darlingdistressed]

Hello everyone

Thank you for clicking my thread to read, I appreciate any feedback that I get from any supporters.

This is only my second post so bare with me because it took me forever just to figure out how to start a thread in the first place!

I am a very emotional person and have struggled with my emotions for quite some time. I don't have a label on myself but like many others I've bounced around with depression and anxiety. In my teenage years, I was very shut off from the world and lost friendships with almost everyone I knew. I am almost 22 now and nothing major has really changed.

I battled with an online relationship growing up because I thought that I knew better than everyone else and I could make it work with someone whom I had never met. I connected with this stranger who I still believe to this day he is who he said he was (only based on continuous photos on facebook of his life) and never wanted to do anything with anybody else. Just sit and text him, all day long. This was the most depressing time in my life and I held on for 2 years praying that one day he would come meet me and we could live happily ever after. Eventually, he started to pull away from me and went on with his life leaving me even more hurt and alone than I have ever been.

As time went on, I met a guy who is a year older than me that lived very close. I went right from this online relationship to a relationship with this local guy. Lets call him Fitz. For over 5 years, Fitz and I have been together. He is the most caring, loving, amazing person I have ever met in my entire life. We have been through so much together in the past 5 years from moving away together on our own, to moving back to his parents house and even getting our own cat. He has helped me grow and learn so much about myself and has always had my back. He is my rock, my everything, until very recently, we hit rock bottom.

This is a very fresh wound for me, so I will try to spare everyone the details. My relationship with Fitz pulled me out of my depression and made me so incredibly happy I never wanted to go back to being alone ever. I never wanted to leave his side, and as two very introverted people, it was extremely easy for us to sit at home night after night enjoying each others company.

One night, after experiencing a lot of stress from Fitz's family, I drank at home with Fitz. Naturally, from working so much, Fitz went to bed because he was totally exhausted. I was feeling frisky, and bummed that he went to bed. I went online and some guy started chatting me up, talking dirty to me. I kept drinking and went on webcam for him because it felt so good to hear the compliments he would feed me about how good my body looked. I knew it was wrong, but I ignored everything and kept drinking and let his "cheating" happen. I never saw the guy I was talking to but just loved hearing him talk to me. I went to bed and when I woke up Fitz was gone. He had heard everything and was heartbroken by the way I acted. I woke up, knowing I had messed up and was so incredibly hurt that I let this happen. It causes me so much pain to see him upset by something that I had done.

Months later, here I am, staying with my mother feeling sorry for myself because I single handedly have just thrown away the best relationship I have ever had. While it is my first love, I still want to make things work. I have had thoughts about whether or not I am too young to be in this kind of relationship and clearly I am because I messed it up and hurt my best friend. This is the first week I have been away from Fitz, and I have not made it easy on him because I keep texting, and calling, and showing up to talk with him in hopes I can make things work.

I am learning now, after hearing similar stories online, that I need to give him space. It is extremely hard not to see him everyday because this has been my routine for the last 5 years. Now that I am sitting here reflecting on my situation I have decided I need to pull myself together and be strong for me, and be strong for him. I need to be there for him only when he wants it and stay strong so I do not break down infront of him and make him feel worse than he already does.

The reason for telling you this LONG story is to get some opinions on what my internal battles are.
I have some social anxiety, I don't know how to maintain friendships because most of the time I don't feel comfortable around people. I don't know how to build friendships because that requires going out and spending time with people, which I don't usually want to do. On the other hand, being alone can be very painful, but the only person who I want to be around is Fitz and that can no longer be my life.
I am having some serious trouble finding some passion in my life. I feel like I don't know what makes me happy. For all these years I leaned on Fitz and relied on him for happiness. I know I need to be okay with myself and not rely on anyone for happiness but its all I have ever known.
How do I find what I love and make a life out of it? How do I deal with my anxiety, and how self-concious I am? Why wasn't Fitz telling me how beautiful and smart I am enough? Why do I need attention from other guys? Why don't I like being around anyone else?

I hope I can find some answers here, or I can be pushed in the right direction to solving these problems. I hope that I can change myself for the better and be a stronger, independent woman. If I can ever full Fitz back into my life, I want to have some of these problems solved so we can rebuild the relationship we had into something stronger. I am praying he comes back to me. And if he doesn't, these problems are still going to prevent me from living happily. I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

Again, thanks for reading my extremely long post. I needed to get it out. I am probably missing some pieces of information and am very open to hearing any questions or feedback. I need some help, and I am finally reaching out.[/FONT]

[BeaFlower]

Hi darlingdistressed. I understand that the situation is difficult. I think that the best thing would be to talk sincerely with him and tell him why you did it and that you didn't want to hurt him. You could go coulseling together, if it's necessary.
If it doesn't work and you won't go back staying together, you'll have to learn how to be happy without him. It could be long, and maybe you'll need some psychological help. However, you could try to repair the relationship and see what happens.
Good luck

Sounds like a very tough time. As I was reading your story, I kept thinking about how you've been abandoned in the past and so I wonder if there's a part of you, despite how good things were going with Fitz, who had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is really hard to trust and rely on others when we've been hurt in the past. Is it possible that a part of you, when you went online, was seeking some sort of reassurance when you were feeling lonely? Alcohol does tend to lower inhibitions, but drinking when you were already feeling down makes me think that the alcohol was a way of coping or to escape the painful feelings you were experiencing as well. I'm not sure if any of this is accurate or at all helpful, but thought I'd share some of the things that came to mind as I read your story.

[avlady]

like you said you need to become your own person not relying on another to give you confidence and happiness. could you see a doc or t? do you have an alcohol problem? you should address your alcohol situation i think too.

[flockpride]

Therapy could be really helpful. Take heart, diagnosis or not, every single human being has personal work to do. You might feel more comfortable with yourself if you pursued therapy with a licensed professional.

[darlingdistressed]

Originally Posted by BeaFlower

Hi darlingdistressed. I understand that the situation is difficult. I think that the best thing would be to talk sincerely with him and tell him why you did it and that you didn't want to hurt him. You could go coulseling together, if it's necessary.
If it doesn't work and you won't go back staying together, you'll have to learn how to be happy without him. It could be long, and maybe you'll need some psychological help. However, you could try to repair the relationship and see what happens.
Good luck

Thanks so much for reading my post, I appreciate the time you spent.
I wrote him a letter that I plan to give him tomorrow & then give him the space he needs.
Counselling sounds nice but not affordable at the moment. I am very interested in psychological help but again, cant afford it.
Thanks for the luck.

[darlingdistressed]

Originally Posted by looking_glass

Sounds like a very tough time. As I was reading your story, I kept thinking about how you've been abandoned in the past and so I wonder if there's a part of you, despite how good things were going with Fitz, who had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is really hard to trust and rely on others when we've been hurt in the past. Is it possible that a part of you, when you went online, was seeking some sort of reassurance when you were feeling lonely? Alcohol does tend to lower inhibitions, but drinking when you were already feeling down makes me think that the alcohol was a way of coping or to escape the painful feelings you were experiencing as well. I'm not sure if any of this is accurate or at all helpful, but thought I'd share some of the things that came to mind as I read your story.

Thanks for taking time to read my post!
I am struggling to understand what my relationship with the online world is, and why I seem to always go back to it when it never ended in a positive way before. It was some sort of release I needed, and alcohol gave me the push that allowed myself to do it. While I regret it, alcohol is not the problem but it definitely didn't help my situation.

[darlingdistressed]

Originally Posted by avlady

like you said you need to become your own person not relying on another to give you confidence and happiness. could you see a doc or t? do you have an alcohol problem? you should address your alcohol situation i think too.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post!
While I don't believe alcohol is my problem, because I don't drink frequently, I would love to see a therapist but cannot afford it right now.
I'm hoping I can find some happiness and confidence in myself very soon.

[darlingdistressed]

Originally Posted by flockpride

Therapy could be really helpful. Take heart, diagnosis or not, every single human being has personal work to do. You might feel more comfortable with yourself if you pursued therapy with a licensed professional.

Thanks for reading!
Therapy would be helpful but I cannot afford it at this time.
Hoping to find some answers on my own.

[BeaFlower]

Hope that it goes/went well with the letter

[IceCreamKid]

Maybe I missed it, but where are the other parts of your life? Education, work, hobbies, friends outside your love relationship? It's not "Fitz's" fault that you went online and sexxed it up with some other guy. A healthy life includes balance, which I am not seeing from your post. Please consider yourself worth the effort to locate free or low-cost counseling. It is out there. It will benefit you to find it.

[kinkcray]

You are not alone in this and many people know where are coming from. I am bi polar and my manic state is wanting to become promiscuous with strangers and it has gotten me into trouble countless times. The way you were feeling with the positive attention and having someone tell you positive things hit home for me. I don't have social anxiety, but I am more than willing to be someone you can talk to. Therapy is expensive and doesn't always change how you feel. Having support and positiveness in your life can change how you feel. Let me know if you would like my support.

[lolovintage74]

Hello, I have been on the other end of your issue. My husband has been addicted to porn and has been messaging other women online for most of our married life which has been extremely hurtful and distressing to both myself and my children so I understand where Fitz is right now emotionally. I kicked my husband out of our marital home and never wanted to talk to him again, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. My husband has joined Sex addicts anonymous through church which is a free service even though he is not religious. He has admitted that he is an addict and has been for over twenty years which was unknown to me. The fact that you are here on this forum proves that you want to get help with your issues. My husband have spoken more this past week about his problems than in our whole lifetime together and it has helped me emotionally understand why he acted out. You obviously have issues that need to deal with and there is help out there. I googled sex addiction and that helped me understand why my husband has behaved so destructively in the past. I would also suggest you enquire about why you struggle socially. From your thread you remind me of my son who is on the autistic spectrum. You need to understand why you behave the way you do and this is the right place to start. Let your man know that what you have done was wrong and that you are getting help to understand why you have behaved in this way. Love doesn't dissappear in a week. He is just hurting and wants you to feel as hurt as he does hence why he doesn't want to hear from you just yet. I didn't speak to my husband for a over a month and ignored every letter email and text that he sent but that didn't mean that I stopped loving him. He has had his self esteem knocked and it will take time for that to be restored. Self help yourself if you cannot find affordable help. I wish you all the best in the future. I hope my reply has helped. Kind regards Lolo x