[tealBumblebee]

I think i'm slowly giving up.

I don't know who to reach out to anymore. I have T. I want to talk to her and tell her everything, but I don't feel like I can. I have my family, but that's just something I have no energy to deal with. I've gone on crisis chat and they've been so helpful.

And still ...I just can't find a reason not to. I feel so hopeless.

I've officially come up with a plan. I even found myself walking around the store today looking for one of the things I need. I feel like if I slowly gather the things I need; I am giving myself time. Time to find hope. I don't want to do it, so i'm not really sure i'm at a "crisis point".

I don't know. I think i'm procrastinating because I fear succeeding. And it's not even that I want to do it, I just feel forced by hopelessness. I feel like i'm losing control of things.

[unaluna]

Girl, we all feel hopeless. Then, sometimes we dont. Im not sure which time is delusion time and which is reality time - when we feel good, or when we feel bad. .

[Frankbtl]

Hi tealBumblebee,

I am sorry you're struggling so much
But it's really good that you don't want to.........and you are wanting help

With your T.........if there's something holding you back from telling her perhaps you could talk to her about that??? e.g. "I want to talk more with you but I feel you might..........."
or maybe you could "break the ice" by saying "Sometimes, I feel/think.............." and disclose little by little from there, it may be easier than you're thinking (obviously not easy but easier).
Another way in..........maybe you could tell her about some of the things you've talked about on crisis chat and what they've said??? A little less alone in it then??? Or perhaps try writing some things down for her???
And use crisis chat as much as you need to

Looking for reasons not to..........when things are real hard sometimes the "bigger" reasons can seem meaningless like for some it might be they "love their family", they "have dreams of trying for......." in their future..........so sometimes it can be about finding smaller (sometimes really small) reasons not to for today/this week.........and then tomorrow/next week..........until you can build/find more of that hope maybe through yourself, maybe through support from others.
But you already believe it's possible to find that in trying to allow yourself time for that, which is great!!!
Because hope can be there just the other side of the way you're feeling, it might be real hard to get there.........but you know it is possible, right??!! And you do deserve to get to that point. You do deserve the time and the help it takes to get there.
So keep on reaching out, hey?? Including to us!!

But I've just got to say........the gathering the things you need..........you're maybe not seeing them now in the clarity you would if you were to decide you were definitely going to use them.........so maybe right now theoretically not so much of a problem as you don't want to..........but you know feelings can sometimes completely take over, right??
So please, for your safety, could you consider getting rid of them?? And one by one if you need to???

How you're feeling now is based on what your going through now, not on how you might be feeling in the future with time, help, support. So don't let now take away/steal those possibilities, hey??
And again...........So keep on reaching out, hey?? Including to us!!

Alison

[LettinG0]

Yes, that ^

((((((teal))))))

Please stop gathering....and maybe get rid of what you already have....please find a way to talk to your T --- that's what she's there for....Frnkbtl said it all very well.

Please know that I care.....fight to take care of you.....fight....

[tealBumblebee]

First, thanks for the replies guys. I felt so alone and so hopeless. You will never know how important it was to not feel so alone in that moment.

Allison/Frankbtl, I'm not going to go as far as to say i'm "better", but I can say that because of you i've reached out. I didn't know where I would go with it but I ended up doing the one thing I hate, calling my counselor on off hours, and I just confessed it all. I told her how I was feeling, what I had taken to stop those feelings, and even read to her what could have been, my final words.

I'm not sure where I am or where these feelings came from but I can say that a certain death doesn't seem as inevitable as it once did. Thanks guys.

[LettinG0]

Yay! Teal. Proud of you. Keep fighting and reaching out......

[Frankbtl]

Hey Teal,

That was a really big step!!
Kudos to you!!
And while feelings like that don't necessarily just "vanish", it can take time/work/help/support.........you've managed to do something that can be so important in all of that, in fact sometimes something that can be amongst the hardest things in all of that.........reached out and told it as it is...........
So really well done!!
Try to feel proud of yourself and try to keep on going. Remember you deserve the help/support!! You really do!!

Alison

[SeekerOfLife]

Hi Teal. I am feeling pretty hopeless too. I do not have any advice. But we can sit together on the porch swing, and try to quietly comfort each other.